adBlockCheck

Are You Coming To My Show Tonight?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Are You Coming To My Show Tonight?

Hey, man, what are you up to tonight? You should totally come to my show at The Shack. We're on a triple bill with Meat Hammer and The Subpoenaed.

Here, take one of the flyers. Don't worry, I've got plenty more. That's us in the middle, Retarder. The name wasn't my first choice—I wanted to be Swank Factory—but the other guys all fuckin' loved it, so what are you going to do? We can always change it later, I suppose. At least until we start putting out albums.

So what are you doing tonight? You should totally come if you can. What's that? You have to work until 9? No prob. The show's supposed to start at 8, but it probably won't get going until closer to 8:30, and we're on second, so you'd probably miss the first few songs at the most.

Have you ever seen Retarder? We've only been around for six months, and this is our third club show, so there hasn't been a lot of chances unless you still go to house parties. The Shack's a shithole, but the sound is pretty good, and a Huber is only $2. Can't really complain about that. You should totally come out. It's gonna be great.

If you haven't ever seen Meat Hammer, you should. They're from Eau Claire, but they totally rock. Two of the guys used to be in Pin Prick. They have this awesome new singer, some guy named Dave who the drummer knew from art school, and they totally kick ass. They do that '70s-rock thing really well.

I should probably give you directions to The Shack, because it's kind of hard to find if you don't know where it is. It's hidden away behind that liquor store over on Odana Road that's open late. If you give me your e-mail address, I can send you directions and put you on our mailing list so you know what shows are coming up and all that.

You saw my old band Bitchpile, right? Retarder sounds sort of like that, but with more of a grindcore feel. The essence is still the same, though: Jerry's still our drummer, and the two of us are the ones who brought most of the personality to the 'Pile. But the new band's even better. We found this crazy kid Kyle who plays bass and sings like David Yow. He's really brought the spark back to our playing. Our setlist is still maybe 40 percent Bitchpile stuff, because we haven't been all that great about getting new tunes together. The ones we have written, though, are killer. Tonight, we're introducing a new one I'm really psyched about called "Tire Blowout (Part 1)." It's got this breakdown that took forever to get right. Yesterday was the first time we got through the whole song, and it sounded great.

Hey, do you still hang with Chris Blevin? I saw him the other day, and he's going to be there tonight, probably. I think a couple other guys who used to be part of the scene might show up, too. Steve said he might show up if he could get his girlfriend to go. I know Doug and Eric Hysteric are coming. They were at the first two shows and were totally into it. Some other guys might show up, too. You should go. It'll be like old times.

I gave you a flyer, right? Isn't that a fucking cool picture? Jerry found it. I think it's from some kind of Bollywood movie. Jerry's totally into that stuff now. It's kind of cool, because every once in a while you hear the Indian influence seep into our music. Thank God Jerry's over his Dylan phase. The other day, me and Kyle made up a song called "Bob Dylan Is A Bone Smoker," and Jerry got totally pissed.

Anyway, you should hold on to that flyer. The Subpoenaed are gonna be huge one day, so it'll be a cool thing to have. Plus, you've got to admit that's an awesome picture.

So, you gonna show up? I guarantee a good time. We've been working on this flash pot to go off during our cover of "Der Kommissar." It'll be awesome. We have a friend who was supposed to breathe fire, but he broke his leg trying to fix his bookcase, so he can't go. It'll still be great even without that, though.

Well, even if you can't come, maybe you could call a few friends of yours, you know, like Andy or The Gooch. I bet they'd be into our stuff. I could even put you and a couple more people on the guest list if you're strapped for cash. Just say you know Brad from Retarder.

All right. See you later tonight, maybe. I gotta put the rest of these flyers up and then go help load up the shit. Good running into you. Rock and roll!

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close