Are You Coming To My Show Tonight?

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Vol 38 Issue 08

Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand

STATE COLLEGE, PA— The 24 other students in a Penn State Paleontology 101 discussion section wince with dread whenever fundamentalist Christian Joseph Moseley raises his hand, classmates reported Tuesday. "As soon as that guy's hand shoots up, the whole class tenses up and is like, 'Oh, God, here we go again,'" classmate Colin Herberger said. "I think he thinks he plays a valuable role in the class, acting as the 'opposing viewpoint,' but it's just annoying."

Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano

SALEM, OR— Friends of Bill Moreland expressed irritation Monday over the 29-year-old's habit of playing John Lennon's "Imagine" whenever a piano is in sight. "It's like this desperate grab for attention he tries to pass off as totally casual," friend Alan Carter said. "He'll sit down at the piano with this really deep look on his face, then launch into those really simple first few bars, expecting everyone to be amazed and moved." Friends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to "Imagine" from the Jaws theme.

Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog

SACRAMENTO, CA— Obeying the instincts bred into him by millions of years of evolution, Shiner, a 2-year-old golden retriever, incurred his owner's wrath Monday by acting like a dog. "Stop barking at that damn squirrel!" Terri Solanis shouted at the dog. "Can't you sit still for five minutes?" Solanis has previously scolded Shiner for sniffing feces encountered on the sidewalk, licking his own groin, and wolfing down his food.

U.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS— Members of the U.N. war-crimes tribunal were swayed in favor of former Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic Monday, when sack after sack of letters from children around the world were heaped onto the presiding judge's desk. "Dear Mr. Milosevic, please get out of jail soon!" read one letter from 6-year-old Brittany White of Houston. Another, from 10-year-old Xiang Xiu of Beijing, read: "We love you, Slobodan! The children of China pray for you!!!" Judge Richard George May, deeply moved by the outpouring of love, ruled that Milosevic is a treasure to children of all ages and then freed him with a bang of his gavel.

Book-Club Meeting Degenerates Into Discussion Of Oscars

MINOT, ND— A weekly meeting of the Minot Public Library's "Book Buddies" club degenerated into a discussion of the upcoming Academy Awards Tuesday. "We were talking about that week's book, A Bend In The Road by Nicholas Sparks, when somebody asked if anyone had seen the movie version of [Sparks'] A Walk To Remember," group leader Ellen Talmadge said. "Then Bill [Polk] asked if anybody had seen John Q. After that, we never really got back to the book." Talmadge added that she considers Nicole Kidman "a lock" for her performance in Moulin Rouge.
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Are You Coming To My Show Tonight?

Hey, man, what are you up to tonight? You should totally come to my show at The Shack. We're on a triple bill with Meat Hammer and The Subpoenaed.

Here, take one of the flyers. Don't worry, I've got plenty more. That's us in the middle, Retarder. The name wasn't my first choice—I wanted to be Swank Factory—but the other guys all fuckin' loved it, so what are you going to do? We can always change it later, I suppose. At least until we start putting out albums.

So what are you doing tonight? You should totally come if you can. What's that? You have to work until 9? No prob. The show's supposed to start at 8, but it probably won't get going until closer to 8:30, and we're on second, so you'd probably miss the first few songs at the most.

Have you ever seen Retarder? We've only been around for six months, and this is our third club show, so there hasn't been a lot of chances unless you still go to house parties. The Shack's a shithole, but the sound is pretty good, and a Huber is only $2. Can't really complain about that. You should totally come out. It's gonna be great.

If you haven't ever seen Meat Hammer, you should. They're from Eau Claire, but they totally rock. Two of the guys used to be in Pin Prick. They have this awesome new singer, some guy named Dave who the drummer knew from art school, and they totally kick ass. They do that '70s-rock thing really well.

I should probably give you directions to The Shack, because it's kind of hard to find if you don't know where it is. It's hidden away behind that liquor store over on Odana Road that's open late. If you give me your e-mail address, I can send you directions and put you on our mailing list so you know what shows are coming up and all that.

You saw my old band Bitchpile, right? Retarder sounds sort of like that, but with more of a grindcore feel. The essence is still the same, though: Jerry's still our drummer, and the two of us are the ones who brought most of the personality to the 'Pile. But the new band's even better. We found this crazy kid Kyle who plays bass and sings like David Yow. He's really brought the spark back to our playing. Our setlist is still maybe 40 percent Bitchpile stuff, because we haven't been all that great about getting new tunes together. The ones we have written, though, are killer. Tonight, we're introducing a new one I'm really psyched about called "Tire Blowout (Part 1)." It's got this breakdown that took forever to get right. Yesterday was the first time we got through the whole song, and it sounded great.

Hey, do you still hang with Chris Blevin? I saw him the other day, and he's going to be there tonight, probably. I think a couple other guys who used to be part of the scene might show up, too. Steve said he might show up if he could get his girlfriend to go. I know Doug and Eric Hysteric are coming. They were at the first two shows and were totally into it. Some other guys might show up, too. You should go. It'll be like old times.

I gave you a flyer, right? Isn't that a fucking cool picture? Jerry found it. I think it's from some kind of Bollywood movie. Jerry's totally into that stuff now. It's kind of cool, because every once in a while you hear the Indian influence seep into our music. Thank God Jerry's over his Dylan phase. The other day, me and Kyle made up a song called "Bob Dylan Is A Bone Smoker," and Jerry got totally pissed.

Anyway, you should hold on to that flyer. The Subpoenaed are gonna be huge one day, so it'll be a cool thing to have. Plus, you've got to admit that's an awesome picture.

So, you gonna show up? I guarantee a good time. We've been working on this flash pot to go off during our cover of "Der Kommissar." It'll be awesome. We have a friend who was supposed to breathe fire, but he broke his leg trying to fix his bookcase, so he can't go. It'll still be great even without that, though.

Well, even if you can't come, maybe you could call a few friends of yours, you know, like Andy or The Gooch. I bet they'd be into our stuff. I could even put you and a couple more people on the guest list if you're strapped for cash. Just say you know Brad from Retarder.

All right. See you later tonight, maybe. I gotta put the rest of these flyers up and then go help load up the shit. Good running into you. Rock and roll!

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