Aroint Thee, Heretic!

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Vol 34 Issue 04

Contact Paper Beautifies Drawer Interior

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area of poetic beauty Tuesday with the application of contact paper purchased at a Pawtucket-area Big Lots store. "The interior of this drawer has entered a new era of attractive, green-and-yellow floral splendor," decorating expert Helen Bowles said. "Look for drawer three to dominate drawer-interior aesthetics for decades to come."

Report: Shopoholism May Have Killed The Shoposauruses

MISSOULA, MT–According to a report released Tuesday by the University of Montana's department of natural history, the consumption-crazed dinosaur known as the Shoposaurus may have become extinct as a result of shopoholism. "Newly gathered field data indicates that the Shoposaurus, a creature which thrived for millions of years in the lush, competitively priced pastures of Triassic North America, was ultimately done in by its own insatiable addiction to shopping," read the report, which has sent shockwaves through the world's paleontological community. "This 'born-to-shop' species emptied prehistoric store shelves faster than those shelves could be restocked, causing the beast to run out of items to buy and die–literally shopping until dropping."

7-Year-Old Only Likes Corn

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Benjamin Gadsen, a local 7-year-old, dislikes all food other than corn, it was reported Tuesday. "He likes corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn chips, corn flakes, corn syrup, corn oil, cornbread, corn dogs, roasting ears, popcorn, and Indian corn," said Ruth Gadsen, the boy's mother. "Basically, if it's corn, he'll eat it."

Area Man May Have Lied About Having Sex

WENATCHEE, WA–Accusations are mounting in the sexual-misconduct investigation of Wenatchee resident Kenneth Briggs. "I am in possession of taped conversations proving that Briggs had sex with waitress Tina Pruitt, then urged her to lie about it," federal prosecutor Oliver Schill said. "I strongly urge Briggs to come forward now and admit the truth before more time and taxpayers' money is wasted." Though hearings have not yet begun, a number of Wenatchee residents are already calling for Briggs to step down from his position as a third-shift gas-station attendant.

HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think?

Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to pick up an end table from the apartment the two had shared until eight days ago.

Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.
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WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Aroint Thee, Heretic!

To-day's Sermon concerns Those who have committ'd various Transgressions against the Lord Our God and wish to atone for their Sins.

Many a Prodigal, I am sorry to say, is to be found in the very Parish where I have minister'd nigh unto 50 Year; and common is the Spectacle in which one of these debas'd Wretches is heard to scratch at the Door of the Rectory at the Cock's Crow on the Day of the Sabbath, begging Forgiveness for his Wick'dness and Godlessness after a Night of riotous Living and requesting Sanctuary from the Wilderness so cold and cruel.

Because I am a Man of the Cloth, I must serve as a Moral Beacon for the Parish; so invariably I take the Wastrel in and direct the Good Woman Hustings to put the Kettle upon the Hearth and bring forth a Quilt, so that the Chill may be remov'd from his Person. Verily, I would prefer that Christian Charity be granted only to the Holy and the Devout, but did not Our Lord Jesus Christ say, "And bring hither the fatted Calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my Son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found"? (Luke 15:23, 24)

This I said unto one of these Wretches, the One call'd Kevin, who upon hearing these Words of the Saviour, fell upon his Knees and kiss'd my Signet Ring. "Good Reverend Hustings," he wail'd, his Eyes awash with Tears, "I have committed Sins most dire. I shop lift'd an Abundance of Mickey's Big Mouths from the Pump Mart last Friday Gloaming, and with my Brethren drank of it in the fallow Field adjoining the County Air Port until the Sun's Rise as I watch'd the mighty Air Planes become air borne right o'er our Heads. This I did as my Girl Friend lay great with Child at Home, and knowing not where I was, or, indeed, if I would ever return from my wanton Bacchanal."

"Since my Graduation from High School," the One call'd Kevin went on to say, "My Head and Hands have been most idle, as our Parish is sparse of productive Trade, and there is Little in which to engage one's Self. Mayhaps come the Harvest Time, I shall take up Sword and join the Army, or serve the House of Wal-Mart on the Out Skirts of the Parish, but in the Mean Time, my Head is consum'd with shady and saturnine Thoughts, and I fear that the Devil may be casting Spells within me.

"I have been told, Godly Reverend, that the Holy Scriptures provide Defense against the Temptations of Satan and hold the Key to Salvation and Eternal Life. You are a great and good Theologian; I entreat of you, dress my wound'd Heart with the Light of God's Word, and provide me with the Solace and Comfort which it brings."

"Heretic! Worshipper of Baal!" cri'd I. "What Heresy have mine Ears heard? Sinner! Think you that the Holy Scriptures were decreed by our Divine Father to merely gratify your Narcissism? You must be thinking of a graven Image or Molten Calf, for this is not Yahweh of whom you speak."

I proclaim'd to the purblind Loafer that the Divine Mysteries were beyond his feeble Grasp; and did he not know that God's Wrath flamed against those who made Light of His Judgment and feared Him not? For is it not written, "Canst thou draw out Leviathan with a Hook? Or his Tongue with a Cord which thou lettest down?" (Job 41:1)

The One call'd Kevin did then tremble with Fear and set to stammering. "I do not understand you," said he. "I have only known God as a Loving Deity. Did not Jesus say that those who embrace His Word will be usher'd into the Kingdom of Heaven? Did not Jesus die for our Sins, so that we may be cleans'd? I am vex'd by your Teachings. Perhaps you are quoting the Scriptures out of Context?"

A Pharisee as well as an Idolator! "Who are you to doubt my Interpretation, and who are you to question God's Design?" I said unto the One call'd Kevin. "'Ye blind Guides, which strain at a Gnat, and swallow a Camel.' (Matthew 23:24) Aroint thee, Wastrel, and gird thy Loins in Sack Cloth, and contemplate on God's Will! For you have spent your Substance on Heresy, Depravity and Thieving. Go forth, and dwell amongst the Weevils, Spawn of Satan!" I cast the One call'd Kevin from the Rectory, and left him to the Darkness and the Tooth'd Beasts of the Forest.

Parishioners! Beware of the false Prophets who travel the Land, and taint the Minds of the Masses with their Heresy. For it is written, "For there shall arise false Christs and false Prophets; and shall shew great Signs and Wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very Elect." (Matthew 24:24)

Thus be the Word of Our Lord, Amen. And now, if you will turn your Hymnals to page 16, and please join us in the Singing of "God's Soldiers Of Heaven Do Decree In The Name Of The Most Sanctified Grace Of Christ The King."

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