As An Upper-Class Gourmand, I Will Settle For Nothing Less Than The Luxury Of Ritz-Brand Snack Crackers

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
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As An Upper-Class Gourmand, I Will Settle For Nothing Less Than The Luxury Of Ritz-Brand Snack Crackers

As a member of what might be called the "ultrarich," I have attended some of the finest soirees in the most elegant surroundings in the world. Naturally, I have consumed all manner of hors d'oeuvres on any number of snack crackers. But one cracker stands alone as the only brand fancy enough to meet my exacting demands: I will never be satisfied by anything less than the upper-crust sophistication of a Ritz.

Ah, Ritz—the very name itself conjures up images of handmade satin tuxedos, gowns of the finest gossamer, and grand ballrooms. White-gloved, top-hatted gentlemen strutting down baronial staircases while twirling canes. Impeccably dressed orchestras with matching outfits performing Jazz Age ballads. Champagnes chilling in gleaming silver ice buckets. White-jacketed Negroes issuing forth from kitchens bearing silver serving trays heaped with the finest crackers ever manufactured by human means.

Ritz is simply the fanciest cracker known to man. When my chef prepares something sublime for my well-heeled guests to eat before dinner, he needn't search any further for a gourmet recipe than the back of the cardboard Ritz box itself. A panopoly of gustatory delights awaits! Smoked salmon, atop a Ritz? Sheer delight. Feta cheese and red peppers? Just like on the luxury cruise liners of the Aegean sea. Duck? Pheasant? No other cracker would dare offer such mouthwatering dining options, because no other cracker comes close to the refined elegance of a single, salty, buttery, crumbly Ritz.

I could not imagine consuming a lesser cracker.

A saltine, my good sir? Dare offer me a saltine?! Pray tell, what grave offense have I committed to deserve such a crass display of effrontery? Do I look like a member of the lower born? Do you take me for an illiterate gutter-dweller, wallowing in my own filth in the street? A urine-soaked, pus-riddled common animal, licking its open sores and eating its own feces, sir?

I would rather be that than be made to consume such gruel as a saltine. Now take the repellent offal away and return posthaste with a cracker more suited to my standing as one to the manor-born: that rarefied and distinguished snack item known throughout the upper echelons of Continental high society as the one and only Ritz.

One can almost hear the cries of "Waiter! Another bottle of this magnificent crémant d'Alsace! And while you're at it—another plastic tube full of these divine Ritz-brand snack crackers, with my compliments to the chef!"

Sometimes, I indulge myself so far as to acquire several thousand dollars worth of caviar, truffles, Kobe beef, and endangered larks' tongues and scoop it all into my gullet with an entire box of Ritz crackers in a bacchanalia worthy of the pagan Caesars.

In fact, one cannot help but wonder why Ritz crackers come to us in a paper-and-wax package, shelved near—and sometimes even touching—such lesser crackers as Triscuits, Wheat Thins, and other vulgarities of the common supermarket. They ought to be hand-delivered by coachmen in powdered wigs and livery, in a gold-inlaid chest encrusted with precious gems.

Ritz crackers are, and always will be, a luxury of unparalleled refinement, equal in elegance to such finery as Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup—the crème de la crème of mushroom soups!—or that standard-bearer of fine cuisine the French call "casserole du tuna." Not even the velvety smoothness of the finest Velveeta cheese product is its equal.

Vive la Ritz!