adBlockCheck

As Chief Of Police, I Believe Even 500 Murders Is Too Many

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

As Chief Of Police, I Believe Even 500 Murders Is Too Many

Having served as your police chief for the past eight months, I'm proud of the improvements made on my watch. Violent crime is down 3 percent, and that means we're headed in the right direction. While that's an excellent start, it still falls short of what I believe law enforcement can and should be doing. Because in my book, even 500 murders a year is too many.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, or what they call these days a hopeless idealist. Or maybe I'm just guilty of caring too much. But I find 1.4 brutal killings a day darn near unacceptable in a community of 7,500.

I suppose in a lot of American towns it's to be expected that, each year, one in every 15 or so people will be gunned down in their own homes, or have their throat viciously slashed from ear-to-ear while walking down the street in broad daylight. But I want to change that type of thinking.

It's my goal, as your police chief, to succeed where my 32 slain predecessors have failed.

If we all work together, I believe we can get our annual murder numbers down below the 400 mark. That may seem like wishful thinking, but I'm happy to report my department has already made some progress.

For starters, we've finally captured the Underpass Strangler—though, admittedly, only one of the half-dozen copycat killers he's inspired—and that in itself is an important step, considering that he alone was responsible for an average of 19 murders a year. We've also started to monitor those citizens believed to be at high risk for committing murders, such as Lawrence Mulaney of 324 Reston St., who recently bought a machete and has been doing a lot of digging at night.

In addition, we've shut down all access to the roof of the city library, which means you won't have to pick up the newspaper and read how, once again, someone climbed up there with a sniper rifle and picked off a dozen or more bystanders. In fact, I can promise that you won't be reading anything at all about murder in the local paper, because last week the Gazette's newsroom was pelted with Molotov cocktails and the entire staff died.

Remember, the town's population is significantly lower this year, so as long as the murder rate doesn't go up, there will be fewer total homicides.

I am not naïve, however. I'm well aware that most of you are still going to lose a family member or loved one to a messy decapitation in the next year. But if I can keep it to just one, I'll know I'm doing my job and making a difference. Two is probably more realistic, but we can't continue to settle for what's become the status quo for beheadings around here.

Let me be perfectly clear with you murderers and potential murderers out there: Some of you will no longer be allowed to operate with total impunity. Mitch Roberts, of course, is excepted, since he is insane and frankly too scary for us to even try and deal with.

To this end, I've adopted new policies to root out corruption within the police department itself. It shames me to tell you this, but after an internal investigation, we've found—well, let's just say you wouldn't believe me if I told you how many murderers were on the force. But no more. Following a brief amnesty period, every officer will be expected to follow a strict "no murdering" code of conduct.

And that includes me. I could stand to cut back on murders myself. That's what my wife would tell you if she were here today. My kids, too.

We can make this town a safer, better place, but we have to do it as a community—and that means all of us. Except Gina Scharff, who I see has just been bludgeoned to death with a rusty lead fire poker.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close