adBlockCheck

As Chief Of Police, I Believe Even 500 Murders Is Too Many

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

As Chief Of Police, I Believe Even 500 Murders Is Too Many

Having served as your police chief for the past eight months, I'm proud of the improvements made on my watch. Violent crime is down 3 percent, and that means we're headed in the right direction. While that's an excellent start, it still falls short of what I believe law enforcement can and should be doing. Because in my book, even 500 murders a year is too many.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, or what they call these days a hopeless idealist. Or maybe I'm just guilty of caring too much. But I find 1.4 brutal killings a day darn near unacceptable in a community of 7,500.

I suppose in a lot of American towns it's to be expected that, each year, one in every 15 or so people will be gunned down in their own homes, or have their throat viciously slashed from ear-to-ear while walking down the street in broad daylight. But I want to change that type of thinking.

It's my goal, as your police chief, to succeed where my 32 slain predecessors have failed.

If we all work together, I believe we can get our annual murder numbers down below the 400 mark. That may seem like wishful thinking, but I'm happy to report my department has already made some progress.

For starters, we've finally captured the Underpass Strangler—though, admittedly, only one of the half-dozen copycat killers he's inspired—and that in itself is an important step, considering that he alone was responsible for an average of 19 murders a year. We've also started to monitor those citizens believed to be at high risk for committing murders, such as Lawrence Mulaney of 324 Reston St., who recently bought a machete and has been doing a lot of digging at night.

In addition, we've shut down all access to the roof of the city library, which means you won't have to pick up the newspaper and read how, once again, someone climbed up there with a sniper rifle and picked off a dozen or more bystanders. In fact, I can promise that you won't be reading anything at all about murder in the local paper, because last week the Gazette's newsroom was pelted with Molotov cocktails and the entire staff died.

Remember, the town's population is significantly lower this year, so as long as the murder rate doesn't go up, there will be fewer total homicides.

I am not naïve, however. I'm well aware that most of you are still going to lose a family member or loved one to a messy decapitation in the next year. But if I can keep it to just one, I'll know I'm doing my job and making a difference. Two is probably more realistic, but we can't continue to settle for what's become the status quo for beheadings around here.

Let me be perfectly clear with you murderers and potential murderers out there: Some of you will no longer be allowed to operate with total impunity. Mitch Roberts, of course, is excepted, since he is insane and frankly too scary for us to even try and deal with.

To this end, I've adopted new policies to root out corruption within the police department itself. It shames me to tell you this, but after an internal investigation, we've found—well, let's just say you wouldn't believe me if I told you how many murderers were on the force. But no more. Following a brief amnesty period, every officer will be expected to follow a strict "no murdering" code of conduct.

And that includes me. I could stand to cut back on murders myself. That's what my wife would tell you if she were here today. My kids, too.

We can make this town a safer, better place, but we have to do it as a community—and that means all of us. Except Gina Scharff, who I see has just been bludgeoned to death with a rusty lead fire poker.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close