As Long As You're Under My Roof, You'll Play By My Monopoly Rules

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After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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As Long As You're Under My Roof, You'll Play By My Monopoly Rules

Son, enough of these complaints, all right? You're old enough to know by now that I'm in charge of this family, and anytime someone lands on a Chance space, they pay me $150. When you're 18, you can move out and call the shots, but as long as you're living under my roof and participating in my family board-game night, you'll play by my Monopoly rules.

Let's get a few things straight, shall we? As long as I draw breath, you will never be the banker. I'm the banker because I'm your father, and as long as I'm the one paying—and passing out—the bills in this family, you will do as I say. When you can afford to buy your own home Monopoly set, you can be the race car. But for now, your older sister is the dog, your mother is the iron, and I am the race car. You can either be the thimble or the old shoe. You can't be the top hat. That's for Grandpa. And don't ask to be the wheelbarrow. No son of mine will ever be the wheelbarrow. I have my reasons.

I know your friends pay $400 if you land directly on Go, but in my house, you will either pass Go and make $200, or you will make nothing.

The Community Chest will never be part of our game, son, and no amount of pouting is going to change that. The idea of a Community Chest has never sat well with me, and when I became old enough to make my own Monopoly rules, I did away with it. Don't bother looking for the cards, either, because I destroyed them shortly after your mother and I got married. It will all make sense to you when you're older. In the meantime, there will be no Community Chest cards in this house! Except, of course, for the "get out of jail free" cards, which go to me.

And what kind of real-estate-trading game forces a player to keep the same number of houses on properties of the same color group? If that was true in real life, why, there would be a luxury hotel right next door to us. If a thriving tycoon wants two houses on Park Place and four on Boardwalk, then he should be allowed. That is, if he has a special relationship with the bank, as I do.

I've said many times, I can't abide by the idleness encouraged by the Free Parking space. If you're going to sleep on the job, then there's no reason why I must pay rent to you. The real-estate business requires round-the-clock vigilance. I swear, you're the only one who complains about it. Maybe next time you land on Free Parking, I should teach you a lesson and seize all your properties, as I do when you land in jail.

You think that's unfair? Well, if you'd simply pay the $50 fine immediately, you'd get them all back. I've told you this time and time again. You jailbirds think you can beat the system by rolling doubles, that's your problem. Well, that might work in casinos or back alleys, but not in the world of finance gaming. Not as long as you're under my roof.

I don't care how the "other kids" play Monopoly. If they played Scrabble with all the vowel tiles intact, does that mean you'd go off and do the same thing? Of course not. Son, listen to what I'm about to say, because it's for your own good: For now and always, we play Monopoly one way, and that is my way. Why? Because it's more fun, goddammit.

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