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As Your Friend, I Promise You Can Tell Me Anything That Makes Me Feel Superior To You

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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As Your Friend, I Promise You Can Tell Me Anything That Makes Me Feel Superior To You

Hey, man, I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need someone to talk to about your problems, I’m here. We’re friends, and that’s what friends do. I’m serious: If there’s anything in your life that’s troubling you—really, anything at all that would lower you in my eyes and make me believe I am a better, more capable person than you are—you should absolutely let me know.

As a friend, I’m ready to listen to any insecurities or doubts you may be harboring that could be used to fuel my belief that I, as a human being, am superior to you.

Don’t be afraid to lay your worries on me just because you think they’re too embarrassing or pathetic to share. That’s the stuff I want to hear most! Is something stressing you out at your job? Listen, if you’re overwhelmed at work, or having second thoughts about your whole career, there’s no point bottling it up. That’s something you have to let me know as soon as possible so I can compare myself to you favorably.

By the way, how’s your relationship with Julie going? Last month you told me the two of you were fighting about whether to move in together. Well, I really appreciated you sharing that. It made me very, very happy to learn I’ve had a lot more success with women than you ever have. If there are any other details you want to get off your chest—like if your relationship is on the rocks or maybe you’re struggling to perform in bed—don’t hesitate to let me know.

After all, what are friends for if not to listen to your troubles, mentally catalog all of them, and later use that list of shortcomings to buoy their own sense of self-worth?

Please, don’t hold anything back because you think it would burden me. It won’t. The truth is, I genuinely enjoy giving advice to peers whom I perceive to be my inferiors. Offering guidance to someone who’s having difficulties—and thereby convincing myself I’m better able to solve their problems than they themselves are—is, believe it or not, something I take tremendous pleasure in.

Maybe you’re running low on cash, or losing touch with your parents, or feeling more tired than you used to. Even little things like that can add up to make your life seem far less fulfilling than mine, and you should always, always confide them to me. Trust me: You want to get that stuff out in the open where it can further justify my conviction that you are less resilient, less emotionally stable, and, in general, a worse person than I am.

Remember, I’ll always be there for you when you’re at your lowest—especially when you’re at your lowest, in fact.

Of course, it goes without saying that anything you want to vent about stays with me. Believe me, I’m fine with keeping your problems secret and just privately ruminating on them now and then to remind myself I’m far more accomplished than you.

I also promise never to judge you out loud. So don’t be shy, man, just let it all out. Tell me about your anxiety attacks, your fears that you drink too much, and how it takes you at least an hour to get to sleep every night. I’ll look you right in the eye and nod understandingly as I inwardly congratulate myself for not experiencing any of those problems.

Then, when you’re done, I’ll tell you everything will be okay, and I’ll give you a hug as an intense sensation of relief and pride courses through my entire body.

Just let me know when you feel like opening up. I’m all ears, buddy.

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