adBlockCheck

Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

I have a dear friend who's always late. While "Charlie" doesn't seem to notice or care, it's slowly driving me crazy! He's never more than 10 minutes late, so it doesn't end up ruining our plans, but it does make me feel like he doesn't have any respect for me or my time! Am I being too uptight? Is this chronic tardiness something I should let slide? Or should I lay down the law and risk alienating one of my oldest friends?

—Left Waiting In Laramie

Dear Waiting,

Six people. Alone. In a castle. Will any of them live to see the next day? This wasn't here before? How did it get here? No! Noooooooo! The Castle Of Terroropolis! It started as a dare between friends, then it turned into...something else. There's nothing to worry about. Swords fall off the wall all the time. Brock was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You will be shocked by the horrors the victims face as they try to escape The Castle Of Terroropolis. Who's there? Answer me! Aaaaaargh! See the thrilling movie that will have you asking the question, "Could it happen to me?" The Castle Of Terroropolis! Rated GP. Now playing.

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

I agreed to watch my friend's cat while she vacationed in Europe for three weeks. Because it was for such a long time, and since she lives across town, we agreed that the cat would stay at my house. But her cat repeatedly attacked my mild-mannered Persian and then urinated on my favorite velvet couch! I've scrubbed and scrubbed the cushion, but I can't get rid of the terrible smell. Should I present my friend with a bill for a new cushion, or should I just chalk it up to my own bad fortune and walk away?

—Cat Problems In Camden

Dear Cat Problems,

Warning! The theater will not be responsible for any heart-attack fatalities caused by the shocking sights seen in Cannibal Cop. Rudy Franklin was a normal beat cop until he witnessed a crime so horrible that his mind snapped. Now, he roams the streets dealing out justice, and terror. He is Cannibal Cop! Okay, officer, you got me. I surrender...wait! My arm! Why are you eating my arm? Arrrrrgh! Only one reporter knows the truth, but can he make anyone listen to him in time? What's wrong with you? Are you all crazy? Can't you see that this man's entire torso has been eaten? Can you handle the madness of Cannibal Cop? Now showing with Juvenile Delinquent Arts Camp. Remember: You've been warned!

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married, but one thing is holding me back: his parents. His mother and father are extremely cold, in spite of all my efforts to bond with them. My boyfriend insists that they think highly of me, but they sure have a funny way of showing it. I love my boyfriend, but I'm afraid that his parents will never warm up. Family is very important to me, so the thought of not being close to my in-laws is really frightening! What do you think: Should I forget about my fears or forget about my fiancé?

—Parent Trapped In Port Washington

Dear Parent Trapped,

How a group of ski bums and beatniks wound up in a deserted farmhouse on Beach Mountain is a mystery. What happens next will blow their minds! This is the spot, right here on Beach Mountain, where Dr. Frankenstein had his crazy lab. I hear they had some wild stuff happen. Dr. Frankenstein is hot on the trail of this group of misfits. He's protecting what's his, and they'll be lucky if they escape Beach Mountain with their lives. This is where the prospector said he saw those wild lights. But I don't see... Wait a minute. What's this? It's the prospector. And he's been torn apart! [Choking sounds.] Can this ragtag group of deadbeats find the treasure of Beach Mountain before Frankenstein finds them? And if they do, will the mysterious treasure drive them mad? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The doctor is out...far out. Watch The Frankenstein Of Beach Mountain before he watches you! Now playing. Check your local listings.

A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close