adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

I have a dear friend who's always late. While "Charlie" doesn't seem to notice or care, it's slowly driving me crazy! He's never more than 10 minutes late, so it doesn't end up ruining our plans, but it does make me feel like he doesn't have any respect for me or my time! Am I being too uptight? Is this chronic tardiness something I should let slide? Or should I lay down the law and risk alienating one of my oldest friends?

—Left Waiting In Laramie

Dear Waiting,

Six people. Alone. In a castle. Will any of them live to see the next day? This wasn't here before? How did it get here? No! Noooooooo! The Castle Of Terroropolis! It started as a dare between friends, then it turned into...something else. There's nothing to worry about. Swords fall off the wall all the time. Brock was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You will be shocked by the horrors the victims face as they try to escape The Castle Of Terroropolis. Who's there? Answer me! Aaaaaargh! See the thrilling movie that will have you asking the question, "Could it happen to me?" The Castle Of Terroropolis! Rated GP. Now playing.

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

I agreed to watch my friend's cat while she vacationed in Europe for three weeks. Because it was for such a long time, and since she lives across town, we agreed that the cat would stay at my house. But her cat repeatedly attacked my mild-mannered Persian and then urinated on my favorite velvet couch! I've scrubbed and scrubbed the cushion, but I can't get rid of the terrible smell. Should I present my friend with a bill for a new cushion, or should I just chalk it up to my own bad fortune and walk away?

—Cat Problems In Camden

Dear Cat Problems,

Warning! The theater will not be responsible for any heart-attack fatalities caused by the shocking sights seen in Cannibal Cop. Rudy Franklin was a normal beat cop until he witnessed a crime so horrible that his mind snapped. Now, he roams the streets dealing out justice, and terror. He is Cannibal Cop! Okay, officer, you got me. I surrender...wait! My arm! Why are you eating my arm? Arrrrrgh! Only one reporter knows the truth, but can he make anyone listen to him in time? What's wrong with you? Are you all crazy? Can't you see that this man's entire torso has been eaten? Can you handle the madness of Cannibal Cop? Now showing with Juvenile Delinquent Arts Camp. Remember: You've been warned!

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married, but one thing is holding me back: his parents. His mother and father are extremely cold, in spite of all my efforts to bond with them. My boyfriend insists that they think highly of me, but they sure have a funny way of showing it. I love my boyfriend, but I'm afraid that his parents will never warm up. Family is very important to me, so the thought of not being close to my in-laws is really frightening! What do you think: Should I forget about my fears or forget about my fiancé?

—Parent Trapped In Port Washington

Dear Parent Trapped,

How a group of ski bums and beatniks wound up in a deserted farmhouse on Beach Mountain is a mystery. What happens next will blow their minds! This is the spot, right here on Beach Mountain, where Dr. Frankenstein had his crazy lab. I hear they had some wild stuff happen. Dr. Frankenstein is hot on the trail of this group of misfits. He's protecting what's his, and they'll be lucky if they escape Beach Mountain with their lives. This is where the prospector said he saw those wild lights. But I don't see... Wait a minute. What's this? It's the prospector. And he's been torn apart! [Choking sounds.] Can this ragtag group of deadbeats find the treasure of Beach Mountain before Frankenstein finds them? And if they do, will the mysterious treasure drive them mad? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The doctor is out...far out. Watch The Frankenstein Of Beach Mountain before he watches you! Now playing. Check your local listings.

A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

More from this section

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close