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Vol 40 Issue 04

College Football Scout Has Eye On High-School Cheerleader

SYLACAUGA, AL—His eyes trained on the Sylacauga East High School football field during after-school practice, University of Alabama football scout Calvin Weaver announced Monday that he sees "great promise" in head cheerleader Cindy Ann Kohlner. "With that flexibility, [Kohlner] would clearly dominate the league in the sack," Weaver said. "You can't look at someone like her without thinking 'tight end.' But really, she would be outstanding in any position." Weaver also said that, given the opportunity, he would "love to fuck her."

Area Priest To Get Out Of Priesthood As Soon As Parents Die

BROCKTON, MA—Father Sean Lonergan, 36, a priest at St. Veronica Catholic Church, told reporters Tuesday that he plans to give up the collar when his parents die. "I've come to the realization that the priesthood is not for me, but it would crush Mom and Dad to see me abandon my faith," Lonergan said. "They've always been so good to me and my four brothers, so I can wait." Lonergan said both his parents have lived hard lives and couldn't possibly have more than 20-odd years left in them.

Rumsfeld Only One Who Can Change Toner In White House Printer

WASHINGTON, DC—White House sources reported Monday that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is the only cabinet member who can figure out how to change the toner in the White House printer. "Let me walk you through it again," Rumsfeld said. "You lift the toner-cartridge lid, then you move this switch back and remove the old cartridge. That goes in el garbage. Next, you remove this tape here from the new cartridge—now, that's important. If you forget that, you'll be printing blank pages all day long. Okay, so you just slide it on in, and you're good to go." When reached for comment, Rumsfeld said he doesn't mind changing the toner, but doesn't see what's so hard about it.

Atkins-Friendly Fast Food

Many fast-food restaurants have introduced low-carb menu items intended to lure Atkins dieters. Among the most popular:

Enter Tha Office

Check it out, G's: Lotta shit in this column ain't foe tha eyes a' amateurs. If you a pussy, you best skip ovah this thang an' tune in tha ladiez' channel or somethin', cuz what I about 2 lay down deserve its own parental-advisory stickah, know what I'm sayin'? This straight-up, non-stop, hardcore shit, y'all, an' tol' wit' mad suspense, too, tha kind that make yo' shit evacuate, know what I'm sayin'? It like a haiku a' violence.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Innovation

Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

I have a dear friend who's always late. While "Charlie" doesn't seem to notice or care, it's slowly driving me crazy! He's never more than 10 minutes late, so it doesn't end up ruining our plans, but it does make me feel like he doesn't have any respect for me or my time! Am I being too uptight? Is this chronic tardiness something I should let slide? Or should I lay down the law and risk alienating one of my oldest friends?

—Left Waiting In Laramie

Dear Waiting,

Six people. Alone. In a castle. Will any of them live to see the next day? This wasn't here before? How did it get here? No! Noooooooo! The Castle Of Terroropolis! It started as a dare between friends, then it turned into...something else. There's nothing to worry about. Swords fall off the wall all the time. Brock was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You will be shocked by the horrors the victims face as they try to escape The Castle Of Terroropolis. Who's there? Answer me! Aaaaaargh! See the thrilling movie that will have you asking the question, "Could it happen to me?" The Castle Of Terroropolis! Rated GP. Now playing.

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

I agreed to watch my friend's cat while she vacationed in Europe for three weeks. Because it was for such a long time, and since she lives across town, we agreed that the cat would stay at my house. But her cat repeatedly attacked my mild-mannered Persian and then urinated on my favorite velvet couch! I've scrubbed and scrubbed the cushion, but I can't get rid of the terrible smell. Should I present my friend with a bill for a new cushion, or should I just chalk it up to my own bad fortune and walk away?

—Cat Problems In Camden

Dear Cat Problems,

Warning! The theater will not be responsible for any heart-attack fatalities caused by the shocking sights seen in Cannibal Cop. Rudy Franklin was a normal beat cop until he witnessed a crime so horrible that his mind snapped. Now, he roams the streets dealing out justice, and terror. He is Cannibal Cop! Okay, officer, you got me. I surrender...wait! My arm! Why are you eating my arm? Arrrrrgh! Only one reporter knows the truth, but can he make anyone listen to him in time? What's wrong with you? Are you all crazy? Can't you see that this man's entire torso has been eaten? Can you handle the madness of Cannibal Cop? Now showing with Juvenile Delinquent Arts Camp. Remember: You've been warned!

Dear A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot,

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married, but one thing is holding me back: his parents. His mother and father are extremely cold, in spite of all my efforts to bond with them. My boyfriend insists that they think highly of me, but they sure have a funny way of showing it. I love my boyfriend, but I'm afraid that his parents will never warm up. Family is very important to me, so the thought of not being close to my in-laws is really frightening! What do you think: Should I forget about my fears or forget about my fiancé?

—Parent Trapped In Port Washington

Dear Parent Trapped,

How a group of ski bums and beatniks wound up in a deserted farmhouse on Beach Mountain is a mystery. What happens next will blow their minds! This is the spot, right here on Beach Mountain, where Dr. Frankenstein had his crazy lab. I hear they had some wild stuff happen. Dr. Frankenstein is hot on the trail of this group of misfits. He's protecting what's his, and they'll be lucky if they escape Beach Mountain with their lives. This is where the prospector said he saw those wild lights. But I don't see... Wait a minute. What's this? It's the prospector. And he's been torn apart! [Choking sounds.] Can this ragtag group of deadbeats find the treasure of Beach Mountain before Frankenstein finds them? And if they do, will the mysterious treasure drive them mad? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The doctor is out...far out. Watch The Frankenstein Of Beach Mountain before he watches you! Now playing. Check your local listings.

A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A '60s Horror-Movie Radio Spot, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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