Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book

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After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book

Dear 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book,

When my nephew announced he was getting married, I gave him, as an engagement gift, a valuable original painting that has been in our family for generations. While I'd intended the family heirloom be displayed in the home he would share with his fiancée, the couple broke up a few months later. Now the painting is sitting, unwrapped and unhung, against a wall in his tiny studio apartment. Frankly, I'm concerned the painting might become damaged in the bachelor pad. Would it be selfish of me to ask him to return the gift?

—Unsure In Utah

Dear Unsure,

Mom! Mom! Where are you? Mom! Oh, there you are. Hey Mom, after Cub Scouts, me and Spencer and Spencer's dad stopped at the mall and we went to Waldenbooks and I bought a book with my own money! It's called Rib Ticklers For Your Funny Bone, and it's the best book ever 'cause it's a joke book! I told a bunch on the way home and everyone laughed so hard. Wanna hear one? Here's one: Why couldn't Dracula go to the Halloween dance? Give up? Wanna know? Because his mummy wouldn't let him! Isn't that funny, Mom?

Dear 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book,

Several months ago, my coworker Julia asked me out. I politely declined, telling her that I felt it's too risky to mix business with pleasure. As the weeks went by, I came to realize that it may have been the worst decision I've ever made! I was crushed to find out, however, that she has a new boyfriend. Should I tell Julia my feelings, or should I just leave well enough alone?

—Regretful In Racine

Dear Regretful,

Okay, here's another one. Mom? Here's another one: What's a parrot's favorite game? To get his quarter back. Oops, I meant 'hide and speak.' Isn't that a funny one? Hide and speak! Aren't these funny, Mom? Mom! How do pigs write? Mom! Did you hear me? How do pigs write? Just guess. Mom, guess. I can't guess. I have the answer. You have to guess. Ugh! It was, "How do pigs write?" No! Duh! Not with their hooves! With a pig pen! Ha ha, you got it wrong! I am right and you are wrong!

Dear 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book,

I'm a 27-year-old female in love with a wonderful guy. Everything was going great until last week, when he revealed that he's an avid nudist! He goes to a clothing-free resort every summer and strongly urged me to come along this time around. I've never had any interest in being naked in public, but I fear that if I don't share in his passion, I might lose him. Do you think I should put my preferences aside and force myself to give it a try? Or should I stand my ground and keep my clothes on?

—Dressed Up In DeMoines

Dear Dressed Up,

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! What did the traffic cop ticket the cow for? Mom! What did the traffic cop ticket the cow for? Come on, it's funny! I'm not yelling! I'm just asking. Give up? Give up? Mommm, aaanswer! For its mooving violations. Like a cow goes "moo." Mom, why are you going outside? Do that later! Mom, I don't have my shoes on. Mom, there's more!

Dear 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book,

As she will readily admit, my wife has always been somewhat of a "germ freak." But now, her fear of unsanitary conditions is putting a serious cramp in our summer-vacation plans. She says that hotel-room blankets and pillows are filthy, and she'd never be able to sleep on them. Should we skip the trip? What else can we do? I'd appreciate any ideas!

—Staying Put For Now In Maryland

Dear Staying Put,

Hey Lexi, what do you call a cow who jumps up and down? Shut up. It is not me. You just said that because you don't know the answer. You don't, do you? Well, it's a milkshake! You're the world's dumbest sister, you know that? Stop it! It's mine. Stop! You're just jealous because Mom won't let you get your ears pierced but I got to buy a book with my own money. You suck. I'll go find Mom. She likes my jokes.

Dear 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book,

Yesterday, I noticed a man with one leg standing on my crowded bus. He was supporting himself with crutches and looked very uncomfortable. When I offered him my seat, he got angry and told me to mind my own business. Well, that made me angry. I was only trying to do the right thing! Is it patronizing to assume that a disabled person is entitled a seat on a bus or train? Should I think twice about offering my seat in the future?

—Meant Well In Mechanicsburg

Dear Meant Well,

Mom, Lexi was mean to me. She said I was annoying. She tried to take my book, but it's mine. Right, Mom? Because I bought it with my own money. Lexi will be sorry when I'm telling jokes on TV. Won't she, Mom? Won't she? Mom, I got a joke for you: What has four wheels and—Mo-o-om! Turn off the vacuum cleaner! I'm trying to tell you a joke! Mom-mm, come on!

CONFIDENTIAL TO PIECING THINGS TOGETHER:

Knock knock. Mommmm, listen! Knock knock! You say "Who's there?" Tanks. Tanks! Mommmmm! C'mon! You say, "Tanks who?" Come on, Mom, pleeeease? "Tanks for the memories." Um, Mom, what does that mean? Mom?

Danny Geppert is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book, appears in more than 250 papers nationwide.

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