Ask A Bee

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Ask A Bee

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

My husband and I split last year after 11 years of marriage. We're still good friends, though, and we even go out for coffee once a week. Problem is, lately, he's been seeing a new person, someone I feel is definitely not right for him. Should I say anything? I'm not jealous—I know I wasn't right for him, either. What's my move?

—Protective In Pensacola

Dear Pensacola,

Enable protocol "seek POLLEN"/Must harvest POLLEN for HIVE/feed LARVAE/feed QUEEN/feed DRONES/feed WORKERS/superseding priority: feed QUEEN/standby to receive POLLEN-search-behavior-inducing chemicals/search outside hive in precise searching-pattern (west-southwest forward 400 meters turn 15 degrees west [daylight hours only to find flowering plants] (repeat pattern as necessary)/ locate and fix position of POLLEN/ rub sacs on legs against stamen against pistil against all parts of flowering plant to obtain POLLEN/must find POLLEN/finding POLLEN primary purpose of BEE(WORKER) #7438-F87904/ awaiting query/awaiting query.

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

I really enjoyed your response to the reader whose husband doesn't enjoy foreplay. In your humble opinion, is there anything wrong with a gal like me demanding that her boyfriend take things slow? Call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not the "Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am" type!

—Frustrated In Frankfort

Dear Frustrated,

Upon location of POLLEN initiate protocol "location-dance"/upon retrieval of POLLEN initiate location-retrieval dance/indicate for HIVE for QUEEN for BEES(WORKER) location of POLLEN/standby to receive POLLEN-location-dance-behavior-inducing chemicals/upon completion of POLLEN dance: commence POLLEN retrieval/ Upon completion of POLLEN search: commence HONEY distribution (HONEY to BEES[WORKERS]) (HONEY to BEES[DRONES]) (ROYAL JELLY to QUEEN repeat ROYAL JELLY to QUEEN)/ upon completion of nutritive distribution commence maintenance-repair of HIVE maintenance-repair of COMBS maintenance-repair of chamber of QUEEN/enable circulation of air through wing-beating/ repeat protocol "seek POLLEN."

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

I work in a large office, and I think I'm in love with the woman who works in the next cubicle. I'm wary of office romance, though. I mean, what if things don't work out? That could make for a pretty uncomfortable work environment. But I really like this woman. Could the answer be as simple as switching cubicles if things don't work out? Or am I just giving myself an excuse to do something I suspect may be wrong?

—In A Quandary In Quantico

Dear Quantico,

Search for /retrieval of POLLEN interrupted by HIVE-originating aggressor messages/interpreting sense-message(smell-sound) from HIVE/ HIVE under observation by quadruped: sub=mammal: sub=HONEY-eating: sub=OPOSSUM/constitutes THREAT TO QUEEN constitutes THREAT TO HIVE constitutes THREAT TO LARVAE constitutes THREAT TO HONEY/repeat constitutes THREAT TO QUEEN/must respond by swarming (standing by to receive anger-inducing chemicals standing by to receive swarming-behavior-inducing chemicals) STING-use situation possible/STING-use will prove terminal to this unit [contingency not optimal for survival of BEE(WORKER) #7438-F87904]/ follow sting-use protocol only if HIVE-survival probability sub-nominal/protect QUEEN/ protect HIVE/ repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN/repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN.

Worker Bee #7438-F87904 is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Bee, is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide.