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Vol 32 Issue 17

CBS Picks Up NBC Nightly News

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster its flagging ratings, CBS announced Monday that it has picked up the longrunning NBC program NBC Nightly News. CBS—which paid $150 million for the rights to the highly rated news program after a lengthy bidding war with NBC, ABC and Fox—will run NBC Nightly News in its 7:30 p.m. EST time slot, immediately following CBS Evening News. "We are delighted to welcome the newest member of the CBS family," CBS president Laurence Hewitt said. "Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather are nighttime television’s new dream team. When put back to back, these two powerhouse shows form the most unbeatable, exciting hour of news anywhere." NBC will also air reruns of CBS Evening News weeknights at 11 p.m. EST, followed by Fox Tuesday Night At The Movies.

Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

MANHATTAN, KS—In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Bart Peintner made a vociferous appeal to Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Monday following a blunt ball-peen-hammer blow to his left thumb. "Holy Jesus Christ Almighty in Heaven!" said Peintner, who was repairing a chair at the time of the thumb injury/spiritual communion. Added Peintner: "Jesus Fucking Christ!" Spokespersons for Fucking Christ were unavailable for comment at press time.

Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an emergency measure Monday, California Gov. Pete Wilson ordered two dozen Northern California coastal communities evacuated following the appearance of an enormous Grace Slick along the coastline near Monterey. "We have no knowledge at this time of how this Slick may be contained," Wilson said. "But we are urging all residents in the immediate area to leave their homes and seek shelter inland." Slick, who has reportedly reached an area coverage of 4.5 acres, was unavailable for comment. "I just hope the indigenous wildlife of this region can be saved," said Greenpeace director Ron Wooten after surveying the damage. "So much devastation to the local ecosystem has occurred already. I pray the Slick does not continue to spread." Slick's rapidly spiraling mass has already destroyed the city of Berkeley, which Slick herself helped build on rock and roll.

Former President Carter Sole Attendee At 1997 Solar Power Summit

ATLANTA—The 1997 Solar Power Summit got off to an auspicious start Saturday, with a star-studded celebrity panel featuring such luminary as former U.S. president Jimmy Carter. "Solar power is the cleanest, safest, most ecologically sound power source available. We owe it to ourselves and this planet to invest in the development of renewable solar resources," said Carter, addressing more than 1,500 seats at the Atlanta Convention Center. "Your attendance at this summit stands as testimony to your commitment to a safe and clean future." Immediately following the summit, Carter boarded a cab to the Atlanta Marriott Hotel for MetriCon ’97. "America is slowly but surely ‘centimetering’ toward progress," Carter quipped.

This Column Is A 'Re-run'

Doc McGillicuddy ordered me not to write my column this week because I am just getting over a bout of the pleurisy, and I need my bed-rest. McGillicuddy suggested I consent to what he called a "re-run," or a printing of a previously published column.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Spring

Ask A Bee

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

My husband and I split last year after 11 years of marriage. We're still good friends, though, and we even go out for coffee once a week. Problem is, lately, he's been seeing a new person, someone I feel is definitely not right for him. Should I say anything? I'm not jealous—I know I wasn't right for him, either. What's my move?

—Protective In Pensacola

Dear Pensacola,

Enable protocol "seek POLLEN"/Must harvest POLLEN for HIVE/feed LARVAE/feed QUEEN/feed DRONES/feed WORKERS/superseding priority: feed QUEEN/standby to receive POLLEN-search-behavior-inducing chemicals/search outside hive in precise searching-pattern (west-southwest forward 400 meters turn 15 degrees west [daylight hours only to find flowering plants] (repeat pattern as necessary)/ locate and fix position of POLLEN/ rub sacs on legs against stamen against pistil against all parts of flowering plant to obtain POLLEN/must find POLLEN/finding POLLEN primary purpose of BEE(WORKER) #7438-F87904/ awaiting query/awaiting query.

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

I really enjoyed your response to the reader whose husband doesn't enjoy foreplay. In your humble opinion, is there anything wrong with a gal like me demanding that her boyfriend take things slow? Call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not the "Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am" type!

—Frustrated In Frankfort

Dear Frustrated,

Upon location of POLLEN initiate protocol "location-dance"/upon retrieval of POLLEN initiate location-retrieval dance/indicate for HIVE for QUEEN for BEES(WORKER) location of POLLEN/standby to receive POLLEN-location-dance-behavior-inducing chemicals/upon completion of POLLEN dance: commence POLLEN retrieval/ Upon completion of POLLEN search: commence HONEY distribution (HONEY to BEES[WORKERS]) (HONEY to BEES[DRONES]) (ROYAL JELLY to QUEEN repeat ROYAL JELLY to QUEEN)/ upon completion of nutritive distribution commence maintenance-repair of HIVE maintenance-repair of COMBS maintenance-repair of chamber of QUEEN/enable circulation of air through wing-beating/ repeat protocol "seek POLLEN."

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

I work in a large office, and I think I'm in love with the woman who works in the next cubicle. I'm wary of office romance, though. I mean, what if things don't work out? That could make for a pretty uncomfortable work environment. But I really like this woman. Could the answer be as simple as switching cubicles if things don't work out? Or am I just giving myself an excuse to do something I suspect may be wrong?

—In A Quandary In Quantico

Dear Quantico,

Search for /retrieval of POLLEN interrupted by HIVE-originating aggressor messages/interpreting sense-message(smell-sound) from HIVE/ HIVE under observation by quadruped: sub=mammal: sub=HONEY-eating: sub=OPOSSUM/constitutes THREAT TO QUEEN constitutes THREAT TO HIVE constitutes THREAT TO LARVAE constitutes THREAT TO HONEY/repeat constitutes THREAT TO QUEEN/must respond by swarming (standing by to receive anger-inducing chemicals standing by to receive swarming-behavior-inducing chemicals) STING-use situation possible/STING-use will prove terminal to this unit [contingency not optimal for survival of BEE(WORKER) #7438-F87904]/ follow sting-use protocol only if HIVE-survival probability sub-nominal/protect QUEEN/ protect HIVE/ repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN/repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN.

Worker Bee #7438-F87904 is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Bee, is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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