adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ask A Bee

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

My husband and I split last year after 11 years of marriage. We're still good friends, though, and we even go out for coffee once a week. Problem is, lately, he's been seeing a new person, someone I feel is definitely not right for him. Should I say anything? I'm not jealous—I know I wasn't right for him, either. What's my move?

—Protective In Pensacola

Dear Pensacola,

Enable protocol "seek POLLEN"/Must harvest POLLEN for HIVE/feed LARVAE/feed QUEEN/feed DRONES/feed WORKERS/superseding priority: feed QUEEN/standby to receive POLLEN-search-behavior-inducing chemicals/search outside hive in precise searching-pattern (west-southwest forward 400 meters turn 15 degrees west [daylight hours only to find flowering plants] (repeat pattern as necessary)/ locate and fix position of POLLEN/ rub sacs on legs against stamen against pistil against all parts of flowering plant to obtain POLLEN/must find POLLEN/finding POLLEN primary purpose of BEE(WORKER) #7438-F87904/ awaiting query/awaiting query.

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

I really enjoyed your response to the reader whose husband doesn't enjoy foreplay. In your humble opinion, is there anything wrong with a gal like me demanding that her boyfriend take things slow? Call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not the "Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am" type!

—Frustrated In Frankfort

Dear Frustrated,

Upon location of POLLEN initiate protocol "location-dance"/upon retrieval of POLLEN initiate location-retrieval dance/indicate for HIVE for QUEEN for BEES(WORKER) location of POLLEN/standby to receive POLLEN-location-dance-behavior-inducing chemicals/upon completion of POLLEN dance: commence POLLEN retrieval/ Upon completion of POLLEN search: commence HONEY distribution (HONEY to BEES[WORKERS]) (HONEY to BEES[DRONES]) (ROYAL JELLY to QUEEN repeat ROYAL JELLY to QUEEN)/ upon completion of nutritive distribution commence maintenance-repair of HIVE maintenance-repair of COMBS maintenance-repair of chamber of QUEEN/enable circulation of air through wing-beating/ repeat protocol "seek POLLEN."

Dear Worker Bee #7438-F87904,

I work in a large office, and I think I'm in love with the woman who works in the next cubicle. I'm wary of office romance, though. I mean, what if things don't work out? That could make for a pretty uncomfortable work environment. But I really like this woman. Could the answer be as simple as switching cubicles if things don't work out? Or am I just giving myself an excuse to do something I suspect may be wrong?

—In A Quandary In Quantico

Dear Quantico,

Search for /retrieval of POLLEN interrupted by HIVE-originating aggressor messages/interpreting sense-message(smell-sound) from HIVE/ HIVE under observation by quadruped: sub=mammal: sub=HONEY-eating: sub=OPOSSUM/constitutes THREAT TO QUEEN constitutes THREAT TO HIVE constitutes THREAT TO LARVAE constitutes THREAT TO HONEY/repeat constitutes THREAT TO QUEEN/must respond by swarming (standing by to receive anger-inducing chemicals standing by to receive swarming-behavior-inducing chemicals) STING-use situation possible/STING-use will prove terminal to this unit [contingency not optimal for survival of BEE(WORKER) #7438-F87904]/ follow sting-use protocol only if HIVE-survival probability sub-nominal/protect QUEEN/ protect HIVE/ repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN/repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN/ repeat protect QUEEN.

Worker Bee #7438-F87904 is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Bee, is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close