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Vol 35 Issue 35

Exercise Briefly Considered

GERMANTOWN, TN—The notion of aerobic exercise fleetingly crossed the mind of Memphis-area office manager Theodore Sperling Monday. "There was half an hour to kill before Monday Night Football," Sperling said, "and I thought for a few seconds that maybe I should go for a walk around the block." After raising himself from the couch, however, Sperling instead walked to the kitchen for a leftover pork chop from that evening's dinner and returned to the living room, where he briefly channel-surfed before settling on a Game Show Network rerun of Match Game '75.

Doctors Say Pope Will Be Infallible For Another Year At Most

VATICAN CITY— According to papal physicians, 79-year-old Pope John Paul II, the infallible Earthly vicar of Christ, will likely become fallible within the next year. "Though infallible, as are all popes, our beloved John Paul is likely to lose his infallibility somewhere in the 10- to 12-month range," Vatican chief physician Dr. Giovanni Caggiano said Monday. "His eyesight and hearing already show strong signs of fallibility, and his frequent illness suggests a possible waning in his overall metaphysical perfection. Coronary fallibility is a real possibility in the near future."

Area Woman Not About To Miss Ally McBeal For That

ROCHESTER, NY—At approximately 10 p.m. Thursday, 41-year-old Rochester resident Connie Smoller informed her husband Patrick that she isn't about to miss Ally McBeal for that. "For God's sake, this is the classic 'Those Lips, That Hand' episode from last April," Smoller said. "That's the one where John tells Ally that Nelle thinks he's in love with Ally, and then he kisses her. And Nelle gets Barry White to sing at the bar for John's birthday, and then John goes up and dances on the stage and everyone joins him. And if that weren't enough, it's got that whole hilarious thing with Billy and Georgia trying the case where the guy gets fired from his job because of his bad comb-over, and the thing with Richard wanting to break up with Ling because she doesn't want to have sex with him. There's no way I'm missing all of that just to go to your silly 25th high-school reunion."

Congress Discontinues Festival Seating After Insurance-Deregulation-Bill Stampede

WASHINGTON, DC—Reacting to the Sept. 7 stampede in which 18 members of the House of Representatives were trampled to death in a mad dash to get good seats for a debate and vote on insurance-deregulation bill H.R. 1627, Congress announced Monday that it will end its longtime "festival seating" policy. "Regrettably, there is no way to turn back the clock and prevent the senseless loss of these representatives," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert told reporters. "But we can take steps to ensure that horrible tragedies like this never happen again." In the future, Hastert said, congressmen will purchase tickets with preassigned seat numbers and be required to sit in that seat.

Quaking All Over

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?

To Hell With Philanthropy

Every autumn, I like to do two things: perform my annual October shitting and contemplate the size of my fortune. And as much as I enjoy the former, I enjoy the latter even more.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Ask A Chat Room

Dear People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities,

My next-door neighbors are driving me nuts! Whenever they're bored, they drop by my place unannounced without so much as calling! My privacy is very important to me. How can I make it clear to them that these unexpected visits are totally unwelcome?

—Flummoxed In Florissant

Dear Flummoxed,

d0uGnUtTy: lol Kernow421: any 15/16f wanna chat im me Lazergrrl: whats up, doug? Vader1138: ya but clive revill only did the voice the picture was a woman in monkey eyes machinder: No shit? Threevok: That I didn;t know. d0uGnUtTy: watchin conan Threevok: Did you hear John Rice-davis is Gimli? Lazergrrl: kewl who's on? QTALLOVER: conan is great machinder: its rhys davies Threevok: My bad. d0uGnUtTy: Some bald guy QTALLOVER: for me to poop on Kernow421: any 15/16f wanna chat im me d0uGnUtTy: his shirts not tucked in or nuthin machinder: wife just tol me it's pronouncd ree-dave machinder: davee Kernow421: any 15/16f wanna chat im me Threevok: No kidding? Vader1138: qt got a pic QTALLOVER: yeah hang on Lazergrrl: im hungry Lazergrrl: what should i have? Threevok: Order a pizza. QTALLOVER: vader you got mial d0uGnUtTy: Lazer what u got Vader1138: qt i didn't get it Lazergrrl: salad bannana or chilli QTALLOVER: opps sorry Threevok: Have the chili! QTALLOVER: check again Vader1138: ok Kernow421: any 15/16f wanna chat im me Vader1138: oooo, qt... meesa love you! BlAkE7: lol QTALLOVER: lol thanks QTALLOVER: that is a old pic i lost weight Vader1138: no need you are a hotty Kernow421: any 15/16f wanna chat im me Harrietmandias: evening all. BlAkE7: Kernow, we get the idea machinder: qt can I have the pic DonBoy: HARRIET HOW DO YOU GET SUCH A LONG SN Kernow421: shut up i can talk if i want Harrietmandias: aol allows it now u can get up to 16 letters. machinder: go to a teen room or something Kernow421: u go LuvzGamez: hi Harriet DonBoy: COOL THANKS Harrietmandias: JULIEEEEE! Slugwyrth: hi all Harrietmandias: {{{{{{{hugz julie}}}}}}}

Dear People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities,

My best friend Amy has the hots for my boyfriend Craig. It's so shameless the way she flirts with him. It's gotten to the point where I'm uncomfortable when the two of them are in the same room together. Craig says I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I just don't like it at all. Am I being petty and jealous, or should I tell Amy to knock it off and get her own man?

—Perturbed In Perth Amboy

Dear Perturbed,

BACKRUB4U: I TOSed him. he never came back d0uGnUtTy: Vader are you just in here all day long BlAkE7: yeah he is Vader1138: yeah pretty much :P d0uGnUtTy: freaky Vader1138: nutty you mean? DoMeElmo: 6th sense is awesome Harrietmandias: good he deserves it d0uGnUtTy: whatever BACKRUB4U: ya detee712: DOES NE1 KNOW WHERE I CAN GET AUSTIN POWERS SOUNDS DoMeElmo: i see dead people d0uGnUtTy: No need to shout detee BACKRUB4U: but now im lonely Vader1138: was on 71 hours last week detee712: sorry BlAkE7: shagedilic BlAkE7: shagedelic Harrietmandias: awwwwww.... :( detee712: does ne1 know d0uGnUtTy: isnt that a littel pathetic? DonBoy: DETEE WHAT DOES NS MEAN Vader1138: nah its my job detee712: how should i know BACKRUB4U: sigh BRQW3R5e: Click Here For High Quality Porn!!! BRQW3R5e: Click Here For High Quality Porn!!! DonBoy: WELL ITS IN YOUR PROFILE BRQW3R5e: Click Here For High Quality Porn!!! d0uGnUtTy: kewl you work for aol? Chadblimp: any hotties here? 18/m d0uGnUtTy: grr damn porn emails Vader1138: got a pic backrub? detee712: oh non smoking DonBoy: HAY BRQW IGOT SOMETHING YOU CAN CLICK ON IN MY PANTS BlAkE7: ROFL d0uGnUtTy: lol BACKRUB4U: no detee712: by the way no need to shout donboy Harrietmandias: Backrub is a sweetie pie DonBoy: I HAVE TO OR NO ONE LISTENS Vader1138: cool

Dear People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities,

What's a normal amount of TV to watch in a day? My daughter says my son-in-law has the boob tube on from the minute he's home from work until he goes to bed. And that's not even counting weekends! Does he have some kind of problem?

—Concerned In Concord

Dear Concerned,

d0uGnUtTy: grrr I got booted again! Chadblimp: that sucks d0uGnUtTy: tell me about it Kernow421: any 15/16f wanna chat im me d0uGnUtTy: o no Vader1138: oh great mr personality is back detee712: i am a 16f Kernow421: SHUT UP VADER FUCK U ANYWAY Kernow421: awesome d0uGnUtTy: wow kernow actually scored Vader1138: ya i heard hell froze over today to Chadblimp: lol d0uGnUtTy: yeah and there was peace in the mideast BlAkE7: well gonna hit the hay big day tomorrow nite all Kernow421: DETEE&!@ IS A FUCKIN BITCH LIAR SHES NOT 16 d0uGnUtTy: nite blake Kernow421: DETEE712 I MEAN detee712: hehehehehehe Vader1138: cya blak d0uGnUtTy: boy kern life is tough Kernow421: FUCK YOU ALL IM LEAVING Vader1138: wow kernow sure told us d0uGnUtTy: im devistated by his assault Chadblimp: lol

People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Chat Room, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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