adBlockCheck

Ask A Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask A Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain

Dear Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain,

I love my sister and her family, but lately it feels like she and her husband have decided that my home is their own private daycare for their 6-year-old daughter. Every weekend, they drop her off at my apartment and go out with their friends. How do I tell my sister that her single, overworked sibling could occasionally use a Saturday night on her own without hurting her or my niece’s feelings?

- Pushover In Providence

Dear Pushover,

Welcome aboard the Old Henrietta, the finest steamboat to ever float the Mississippi! I suppose if you’re going to be coming along with us on this travel, you’ll need to know well and good that this here vessel is primarily for trading and the exchanging of cargoes and I don’t take passengers without them doing their fair share of the labor. Heck, I'm just pulling your leg, folks! I've got plenty of strapping, burly young men in my crew who will do the heavy lifting, so you just sit back, relax, and let Captain Langdon and his merry men steer this ship straight!

Dear Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain,

I’m a religious person, but my wife is not. I’ve been considering donating a percentage of our income to my church, but am unsure how to get my wife to support this decision even while she doesn’t go to my church. Is it irresponsible for me to donate a percentage of my own paycheck without telling her?

- Trick Or Tithe

Dear Trick,

Folks, I been a captain of this here boat for somewheres around 24 years now and I’ll tell you what, it's been a real labor of love for me. Even stitched up those curtains you see behind you with some spare time I had. Requires a certain fortitude to impose this vessel around the ol’ Mississip, yes indeed. Solitary lifestyle too, it is. I reckon few men are quite stalwart enough to give up the notion of a wife and family and let the river take them where it may, but I suppose I'm willing to make the sacrifices other men can’t. Yes, sir. Don't you worry about ol' Captain Langdon. I get along without a wife and family just fine.

Dear Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain,

Lately I’m afraid my in-laws are undermining my authority by giving my two 8-year-old boys whatever they want when they want it, even if my husband and I said they had to pay for it with their allowance money. How do I fix this without alienating my husband’s family?

- Frustrated Daughter-In-Law

Dear Frustrated,

Whew! It is hot as blazes out here, ain't it? Oh, by the way, while we're anchored here, sir, feel free anytime to shed your drawers there and jump down into that river to re-christen yourself, if you like. We don't stand too much on ceremony around here, and the water's nice and fine!

Dear Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain,

My husband's job has recently forced us to relocate to an area where most school districts’ education standards are unfortunately well below par and even dangerous. While we cannot afford to send our children (a 9-year-old and a 6-year-old) to the local private schools, I have considered homeschooling them. Any advice?

- Looking For What’s Best

Dear Looking,

Oh, I suppose the river boating life suits me just fine. See, I can't say I care much for the polite society you folks have on land. Too much finery! Too many rules! Always somebody telling you what you can and can't do. Or who you can and can't be. I guess I just wasn't made for that world, if you catch my drift. I like it out here where a man can be alone with the waters and ain't no one around for miles trying to civilize him. Yes, sir, that's the way a man oughta live. Boy, listen to me, talking your ears off! Give a riverboat captain like me a moment of your time and they'll tell you a tale as long and wide as the Mississippi itself! Especially when the fella listening has a nice, kind face like yourself.

Confidential to Dissatisfied In Dodge:

Seen all sorts of folk along my journeys, I have. I remember on a stay over in New Orleans a few years back meeting an equally refined captain like myself and, good Lord, we talked good and late about our travels up and down the Mississip. Must’ve drank some incalculable amount of a potent liquor also, 'cause I barely remember getting back to my lodging that evening. Never heard from that old mariner again.

Horace E. Langdon, Pilot of the Old Henrietta is a syndicated columnist whose weekly column, “Ask A Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain,” appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close