adBlockCheck

Ask A Coffin Salesman

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask A Coffin Salesman

Dear Coffin Salesman,

My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where she was offered a much better job. Problem is, I can't stand the cold weather. Am I being petty, or is she being cruel by making us live here?

—Miserable In Minneapolis

Dear Minneapolis,

Please. Sit down. I realize that this is a time of sorrow for you, and I want you to know that I too grieve for the loss of your beloved. But the best thing you can do for him now is to make sure that he spends eternity in the comfort and dignity he deserves. By purchasing the EternaRest 2000 model, you can see to it that the bed in which he will take his final, blissful rest is of the highest quality that money can buy. Just look at the fit and finish on this enameled mahogany Victorian Triumphal. Isn't your loved one worth the extra $700?

Dear Coffin Salesman,

My last boyfriend misses my dog Robby terribly, and he comes over to visit him all the time. It's really getting on my nerves! How do I tell him to give me and Robby some space?

—Pooched Out In Plano

Dear Pooched,

Don't think of this coffin as a mere container—think of it as the final resting place of someone you love very much. Someone who is worth the slight extra expense of solid brass fittings and deep red velvet plush. Someone who is worth hand craftsmanship. And you'll be more comfortable knowing that if you go with the Arizona Windsor, their precious head will be cradled on a lovely, double-stitched silk pillow for all eternity.

Dear Coffin Salesman,

I recently realized that I've outgrown all my old friends, but I don't know where to meet new people. I hate the bar scene, don't attend church, and can't stand the thought of hanging out with my co-workers. Do I have any options left? Sign me...

—Frustrated In Fresno

Dear Fresno,

Sure, you could buy the Elysian Fielder. It's a fine casket. But I have to be honest with you—it lets in moisture. Is that the kind of eternal slumber you'd want for your beloved wife of 48 years? If I were you, I'd go with the Wallingford DuraLux, which features all-hardwood detailing and hemetic rubber gasketry. You'll rest easy knowing that she's resting peacefully and undisturbed.

Dear Coffin Salesman,

I'm a 34-year-old woman who's still looking for that special guy. My best friend swears by video dating, and my mother says singles cruises are good, but I think they both sound gimmicky and more than a little desperate. Am I justified, or am I being closed-minded?

—Lonely In Lawrence

Dear Lonely,

Look—if you just want to satisfy the letter of the law, there are several models that are adequate for holding the body's liquors once the process of putrefaction sets in. We usually only sell them to the city for burying the homeless and the unclaimed deceased, but I suppose I could sell you one. I won't feel right about it, and I suspect it won't sit well with your conscience, either, but that's between you, God, and your poor loved one. At least you'll keep her out of the groundwater.

Walter G. Sluman is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Coffin Salesman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close