Ask A Coffin Salesman

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Vol 31 Issue 21

Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model railroading, like the Sea, can be a kind lady, but make no mistake, she can also be a cold and angry harpy," Collins said. "In times of yore, men tested their mettle against the Sea, but in these modern times, a man proves his virility one way only: building, maintaining and running a model-railroad set-up in his garage or den." Collins advised using Testor's-brand epoxy glue for miniature trees and letting them dry for at least 24 hours.

Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens Brianna Fahey and Kurt Mulroney have found true, once-in-a-lifetime love in each other. "We have something that many never find, no matter how long they look: our soulmates," the teens, who have been officially 'going out' since May, said Thursday. "No other love could ever be as special as ours." When asked what was so special about their relationship, Fahey said, "I totally love Karl. He wants to have sex all the time, and I even want to let him. That kind of connection only happens when it's true love." The couple expects their first baby in approximately eight months.

Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to rats and the people who love them, has failed to generate the level of consumer interest necessary to continue publishing, editor Frankie DelGabrio said Monday. "Despite being packed with rat photos, true-life stories about rats, and helpful rat-care tips, it somehow hasn't found its audience," DelGabrio said. "The June issue, which features a precious, full-color centerfold of a hungry rat family approaching a sleeping baby in its crib, will sadly be the magazine's last." Added DelGabrio, "I love sweet, cuddly rats with all my heart."

Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for an estimated $35 a month. "This puts me in strong TV-watching position well into the next century," said Murdoch, who, according to a Wall Street Journal report, also paid a $50 hook-up fee as part of the deal. "With some 50 channels now in my possession, my vast media empire cannot be rivaled." Murdoch acquired the stations by using his vast holdings and market influence as leverage against his local cable provider, who, sources say, approved the deal within four to five seconds. Murdoch promised that the cable acquisition will pave the way for "a historic ass-couch merger."

U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high." Responding to the recent rash of jitterbugging, British taxation without representation, and talk of the Teapot Dome scandal, the deceased leader called on all citizens to "join me and Bess in saving up scrap iron for the war so our boys over there can drive the Spanish back." Truman also urged citizens to use caution when using whale-blubber-burning oil lamps.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
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Ask A Coffin Salesman

Dear Coffin Salesman,

My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where she was offered a much better job. Problem is, I can't stand the cold weather. Am I being petty, or is she being cruel by making us live here?

—Miserable In Minneapolis

Dear Minneapolis,

Please. Sit down. I realize that this is a time of sorrow for you, and I want you to know that I too grieve for the loss of your beloved. But the best thing you can do for him now is to make sure that he spends eternity in the comfort and dignity he deserves. By purchasing the EternaRest 2000 model, you can see to it that the bed in which he will take his final, blissful rest is of the highest quality that money can buy. Just look at the fit and finish on this enameled mahogany Victorian Triumphal. Isn't your loved one worth the extra $700?

Dear Coffin Salesman,

My last boyfriend misses my dog Robby terribly, and he comes over to visit him all the time. It's really getting on my nerves! How do I tell him to give me and Robby some space?

—Pooched Out In Plano

Dear Pooched,

Don't think of this coffin as a mere container—think of it as the final resting place of someone you love very much. Someone who is worth the slight extra expense of solid brass fittings and deep red velvet plush. Someone who is worth hand craftsmanship. And you'll be more comfortable knowing that if you go with the Arizona Windsor, their precious head will be cradled on a lovely, double-stitched silk pillow for all eternity.

Dear Coffin Salesman,

I recently realized that I've outgrown all my old friends, but I don't know where to meet new people. I hate the bar scene, don't attend church, and can't stand the thought of hanging out with my co-workers. Do I have any options left? Sign me...

—Frustrated In Fresno

Dear Fresno,

Sure, you could buy the Elysian Fielder. It's a fine casket. But I have to be honest with you—it lets in moisture. Is that the kind of eternal slumber you'd want for your beloved wife of 48 years? If I were you, I'd go with the Wallingford DuraLux, which features all-hardwood detailing and hemetic rubber gasketry. You'll rest easy knowing that she's resting peacefully and undisturbed.

Dear Coffin Salesman,

I'm a 34-year-old woman who's still looking for that special guy. My best friend swears by video dating, and my mother says singles cruises are good, but I think they both sound gimmicky and more than a little desperate. Am I justified, or am I being closed-minded?

—Lonely In Lawrence

Dear Lonely,

Look—if you just want to satisfy the letter of the law, there are several models that are adequate for holding the body's liquors once the process of putrefaction sets in. We usually only sell them to the city for burying the homeless and the unclaimed deceased, but I suppose I could sell you one. I won't feel right about it, and I suspect it won't sit well with your conscience, either, but that's between you, God, and your poor loved one. At least you'll keep her out of the groundwater.

Walter G. Sluman is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Coffin Salesman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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