Ask A Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child

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Vol 32 Issue 02

World's Muslims Lighten Up

JERUSALEM—After centuries of strict fundamentalism, Yasir Arafat and fellow Muslims are finally taking things a little less seriously.

Football Star Rusty In Sloppy Preseason Drug Bust

OAKLAND, CA—Oakland Raiders' cornerback Demetrius Phillips looked unimpressive in his first drug arrest of the preseason Monday, surrendering to police after a three-minute car chase and engaging in possession of less than two grams of marijuana. Adding to the lackluster quality of the bust, police said that as Phillips was handcuffed and carried off, he failed to shout, "Get your hands off me—I'll fuck you up, motherfuckers," ending a three-arrest streak. "Demetrius really looked rusty out there today," said Raiders defensive-backs coach Denny Carlisle. "If this was the middle of the season, he would have had at least 10 grams of coke on him and a loaded revolver, easy. He's definitely got his work cut out for him before the season opener."

Marilu Henner Named U.S. Secretary Of Mid-Level Talent

WASHINGTON, DC—In an official White House ceremony Monday, President Clinton appointed actress Marilu Henner the first-ever U.S. Secretary of Mid-Level Talent. "Until now, the needs of America's approximately 2,500 mid-level celebrities have been sorely ignored in Washington," Clinton said. "But I am confident that Secretary Henner, with her large but not overly impressive acting resume and her not-that-huge fame, is well-suited to represent marginally talented Americans like Mariette Hartley, Rene Auberjonois, Eileen Brennan and Peabo Bryson." For Henner's first act in office, she plans to promote awareness of veteran character actor Robert Wuhl, a supporting actor in Batman and Bull Durham, and star of the HBO original series Arli$$, "a man who still," Henner told reporters Tuesday, "exists."

Thing Happens

SUMATRA, INDONESIA—According to an unconfirmed report, a thing happened Monday, though experts say it is still not clear exactly what the thing was. "All we know at this time," University of Prague professor of phenomenology Rupert Heiden said, "is that some kind of thing happened." Ordinary citizens, meanwhile, are struggling to put the thing into proper perspective. "You just don't expect a thing like this to happen," Stockton, CA, resident Pamela Worthington said. "Not with things the way they've been." In a statement released late Tuesday, President Clinton urged all Americans to remain calm and allow things to take their natural course. "These things happen," he said.

Incorrect Pain-Reliever Brand Choice Results In Missed Job Promotion

SAN FRANCISCO—In a tragic case of pain-reliever brand choice gone wrong, Gus Farber, an assistant sales-team project coordinator with the marketing firm of Integrated Management Solutions, missed a rare opportunity for job advancement Monday due to an error in headache-relief medication selection.

YES vs. NO

That in 1997 the manufacture of erotic novelty cakes is still the responsibility of the federal government is preposterous.
It is high time that erotic-cake production be privatized, both to improve their quality through free-market competition and to spur economic growth.
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Ask A Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child

Dear Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child,

Because of a job promotion, my husband and I recently moved from Boston to Louisville, where I don't know a soul. I don't want to stand in the way of my husband's career, but I miss my friends back home terribly. Any advice?

—Lonely In Louisville

Dear Lonely,

Through the fenceposts on the hill I could see them hitting, across the pasture towards where the flag was. Me and Cornpoe was looking for to find some balls that had gotten lost so we could get a nickel, but I wasn't looking too hard on account of it felt so nice to see the men there on that bright green field, and Cornpoe was just sniffing in a bush not saying nothing because she ain't but an old hound. I sure did love that old dog, but that was before the truck come down the road and I yelled for Cornpoe to come back, but she didn't hear and the noise from the motor was so loud it filled my head up with the roar and then it was too late, too late. And the crash, and the noise from the horn blowing, like it was saying Yah. Yah. Yaaaaaahhhh.

Dear Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child,

I have had it just about up to here with our new washing machine! We paid top dollar for it, and it's under warranty, but every time the repairman fixes it, within days it's broken again. It has never worked right, and they can never figure out what the problem is. I want my money back! Am I being unfair?

—Irritated In Erie

Dear Irritated,

I done told that old nigger that I weren't allowed to go out in the rain, on account of my needing my medicine-pills and my coat being none too dry, but he just kept on saying Don't you know we got to Go. Go and saddle up old Bess and get on our way Right Now Boy there ain't no time. I said no no no and then he made like he was about to commence to beating on me and I started cryin' and then I looked up and he was cryin' too. His face went all soft and he said goodbye and take care of your sister like a good boy. As I watched him and Bess going on up that road in the rainy night I kept thinkin' how it dint need to be this way, it could've been diffrent. Lord knows it could've been.

Dear Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child,

Recently, I began to have suspicions that my husband is using the Internet for sex. He denies it, but I can clearly see from the user log that he's logging on to X-rated sites while I'm at work. He shows almost no interest in me sexually anymore. What does he see in these disgusting pornographic websites that is so much more alluring than me?

—Frustrated In Fort Howard

Dear Frustrated,

Well I never thought anything about it except I was saying Run. Run back down to Mammy Granger and the boys from the bunk-house and tell them I never saw nothing, that I ain't seen nobody there in that ditch, with her drawers up over her knees with that man there, too. Run and tell them that I dint see nobody, and make them believe that they was standing up. Run and tell them it weren't true so's Rosie wouldn't get no whipping. But I knowed that they weren't standing up at all. I may not be no nigger but I'll swap any day, since Uncle Quint said it takes a white man not to have any more sense than not to worry about what a little slut of a girl goes and gets herself messed up in. Even though I knowed it was him who made her, made her do it against her intentions.

Dear Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child,

Do you have any advice for a 47-year-old woman looking to meet interesting, single men? My girlfriends at work have set me up on several dates, but they've all been duds. Am I just too picky, or is there a better way to meet someone I really like?

—Stumped In Cedarsburg

Dear Stumped,

I said to the old man that he oughtn't to be drinking no more that night, that he done had hisself enough booze but he dint listen. He just kept on pouring and pouring 'til he was all emptied out and he had to go get the other bottle, the one he hid under the bed in the bungalow. He just sat there drinking all night in the red chair by the typing-machine, talking in that big fancy gentlemanly way he does, with big words too fancy for me to understand. He was talking how he never should have done gone to Hollywood to write for them picture-shows. He was saying how California was like a demon straight from hell, a burning flapping devil beast that ate up everything it saw, and that it even ate his soul. When he stopped talking I tried to shake him to wake him on up, but he weren't moving. He weren't waking on up at all.

Benny Upton is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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