Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry

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Vol 34 Issue 07

Archaeologists Discover Strata Of Welcome Back, Kotter Merchandise

UNIONTOWN, PA—Archaeologists at a dig site in southwestern Pennsylvania have discovered a layer of the Earth's crust consisting entirely of Welcome Back, Kotter merchandise. "The strata we have discovered, located approximately 15 feet beneath the surface, dates to the mid-1970s and consists of items ranging from posters of Sweathog leader Vinnie Barbarino to lunchboxes depicting Arnold Horshack," head archaeologist Adrian Richelieu said. It is the largest such find since 1989, when archaeologists near Albuquerque, NM, discovered a 20-foot-thick layer of T.J. Hooker Trapper Keepers.

Public-Speaking Student To Make Point Of Gesturing

ABILENE, TX—Jonathan Cranland, president of the Eisenhower High School public-speaking club, announced Tuesday that he will gesture for emphasis during Friday's public-speaking district finals. "When I read the Gettysburg Address," Cranland said, "I will lend weight to key passages with dramatic hand flourishes, impressing upon judges and audience members alike the importance of said passages." Cranland added that he is also strongly considering thumping the podium or shaking his fist. "People will see how serious I am if I shake my fist," he said. "If I simultaneously shake my fist and raise my voice, that will be an overwhelming double whammy."

Trinidad And Tobago Issues Commemorative Leonardo DiCaprio Postage Stamp

PORT-OF-SPAIN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO—The Caribbean nation of Trinidad And Tobago honored actor Leonardo DiCaprio Monday with a special commemorative postage stamp, available for a limited time only. "The government of Trinidad And Tobago wishes to recognize Mr. DiCaprio for his truly 'titanic' performance in the blockbuster film that has passed Star Wars as the all-time box-office champ," Prime Minister Basdeo Panday said. "This attractive stamp, sold in collector's sheets of 27 for just $34.99, is a fitting tribute for such a man." Among the luminaries previously honored by the Trinidad And Tobago Postal Service: John Lennon, Princess Diana and Popeye.

Sing A Happy Tune

My nurse gave me a particularly cleansing enema to-day, and now I feel rather giddy and as light as a soap-bubble. What to do? Hunt pheasant? Dance a jig? I know! Let us sing a gay round!

Keep Smiling!

You know, being a columnist can be tough sometimes. After all, I think I've just about exhausted every last topic worth discussing. Beanie Babies, chocolate, karaoke, cats--you name it, I've talked about it! What more is there?

Making Your Marriage Last

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

There Will Be An 80-Foot Statue Of Daniel J. Travanti If I Have To Build It Myself

One of the fundamental problems with America today, as a nation and a television audience, is a lack of reverence. We lack reverence for the elderly. We lack reverence for those who served our country in war. And, above all, we lack reverence for Hill Street Blues star Daniel J. Travanti. That is why I swear to you, before God Himself, that there will be an 80-foot statue of Daniel J. Travanti if I have to build it myself.

Fatal Spaz Attack Claims Life Of Area Spaz

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO—Friends and family are remembering Gilbert Wilkinson as a "total spaz" following his fatal spaz attack Tuesday at the Golden Palace Dance & Supper Club in Cape Girardeau. "We were dancing and laughing and just having a very nice time when, out of nowhere, he completely spazzed out," wife Louise Wilkinson said. "His arms were flailing wildly, and he was bouncing all over the place like a complete spaz. Gilbert had had spaz attacks before, but as soon as he started spazzing, I could tell this was the Big One." Funeral arrangements will be announced as soon as members of Wilkinson's family, also complete spazzes, stop spazzing out over his death.

Prime-Time 'Toons

From South Park to King Of The Hill to NBC's new Stressed Eric, animated shows are everywhere these days. Why so many cartoons?
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Healthy Living

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

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Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and didn't want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to be supportive and cut him some slack, but another part wants to tell the lazy-bones to get lost. After all, he seems more interested in hanging out with his friends than in looking for a better-paying job. What should I do?

—Tested In Tempe

Dear Tempe,

Holy shit, holy shit, holy fucking shit, dude—Troy is definitely not breathing. Holy motherfuck, this cannot be happening. He was swimming so fuckin' good out there, man. We wouldn't have tried to make him swim the lake if he wasn't walking so good and everything. We asked him if he wanted to try it and he said yeah and that he wasn't that fucked up, that he'd been way drunker a bunch of times in high school. And Kyle was totally keeping an eye on him when they threw him off the pier, and Kyle said he was swimming really good, considering all those jello shots he did. So how could he have drowned?

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

Here's a real doozy for you: I'm a happily married woman, and the other night at a cocktail party, a male acquaintance of mine made a pass at me! I didn't know how to respond, so I acted embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven't talked since, but I know I'm going to see him at a picnic next month. I don't want it to be horribly awkward. What should I do?

—Confused In Cairo

Dear Confused,

I kept trying to tell Chad that I couldn't see the ass-candle, but he wouldn't listen. Chad was telling Troy he'd fail rush if he let it go out while he was swimming across Lake Wauwatosa, but Troy must've known that was total bullshit, and that the candle's just there for safety so we can see him in case anything goes wrong. I guess we kinda did want to see if Troy wanted to be a Beta bad enough to swim the whole half-mile with a big fuckin' candle up his ass, but, shit, man, nobody wanted the dude to drown. Fuck. This is some seriously messed-up shit.

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

My 14-year-old has really been testing me lately, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone until all hours of the night, and ignoring her homework. I told her that if she didn't shape up, she couldn't go to tennis camp this summer. Well, the other day, I finally put my money where my mouth is, and I told her she couldn't go to camp. She threw a huge fit, and now I feel like my punishment might have been too harsh. But if I go back on my promise, she'll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering In Winston-Salem

Dear Wavering,

I don't get it--we totally waited for Troy to throw up before taking him down to the lake. He threw up like five times, so there couldn't have been that much booze left in him. Plus, we made him eat the seven raw chicken livers, so he couldn't have been fucked up anymore. The food absorbs the alcohol, right? We were really fuckin' cautious, dude, you know that. Dude, we could totally lose our charter over this shit. And you can forget about Saturday's party with the Tri-Delts. Fuck.

Zach Peters is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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