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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and didn't want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to be supportive and cut him some slack, but another part wants to tell the lazy-bones to get lost. After all, he seems more interested in hanging out with his friends than in looking for a better-paying job. What should I do?

—Tested In Tempe

Dear Tempe,

Holy shit, holy shit, holy fucking shit, dude—Troy is definitely not breathing. Holy motherfuck, this cannot be happening. He was swimming so fuckin' good out there, man. We wouldn't have tried to make him swim the lake if he wasn't walking so good and everything. We asked him if he wanted to try it and he said yeah and that he wasn't that fucked up, that he'd been way drunker a bunch of times in high school. And Kyle was totally keeping an eye on him when they threw him off the pier, and Kyle said he was swimming really good, considering all those jello shots he did. So how could he have drowned?

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

Here's a real doozy for you: I'm a happily married woman, and the other night at a cocktail party, a male acquaintance of mine made a pass at me! I didn't know how to respond, so I acted embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven't talked since, but I know I'm going to see him at a picnic next month. I don't want it to be horribly awkward. What should I do?

—Confused In Cairo

Dear Confused,

I kept trying to tell Chad that I couldn't see the ass-candle, but he wouldn't listen. Chad was telling Troy he'd fail rush if he let it go out while he was swimming across Lake Wauwatosa, but Troy must've known that was total bullshit, and that the candle's just there for safety so we can see him in case anything goes wrong. I guess we kinda did want to see if Troy wanted to be a Beta bad enough to swim the whole half-mile with a big fuckin' candle up his ass, but, shit, man, nobody wanted the dude to drown. Fuck. This is some seriously messed-up shit.

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

My 14-year-old has really been testing me lately, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone until all hours of the night, and ignoring her homework. I told her that if she didn't shape up, she couldn't go to tennis camp this summer. Well, the other day, I finally put my money where my mouth is, and I told her she couldn't go to camp. She threw a huge fit, and now I feel like my punishment might have been too harsh. But if I go back on my promise, she'll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering In Winston-Salem

Dear Wavering,

I don't get it--we totally waited for Troy to throw up before taking him down to the lake. He threw up like five times, so there couldn't have been that much booze left in him. Plus, we made him eat the seven raw chicken livers, so he couldn't have been fucked up anymore. The food absorbs the alcohol, right? We were really fuckin' cautious, dude, you know that. Dude, we could totally lose our charter over this shit. And you can forget about Saturday's party with the Tri-Delts. Fuck.

Zach Peters is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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