Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry

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Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and didn't want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to be supportive and cut him some slack, but another part wants to tell the lazy-bones to get lost. After all, he seems more interested in hanging out with his friends than in looking for a better-paying job. What should I do?

—Tested In Tempe

Dear Tempe,

Holy shit, holy shit, holy fucking shit, dude—Troy is definitely not breathing. Holy motherfuck, this cannot be happening. He was swimming so fuckin' good out there, man. We wouldn't have tried to make him swim the lake if he wasn't walking so good and everything. We asked him if he wanted to try it and he said yeah and that he wasn't that fucked up, that he'd been way drunker a bunch of times in high school. And Kyle was totally keeping an eye on him when they threw him off the pier, and Kyle said he was swimming really good, considering all those jello shots he did. So how could he have drowned?

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

Here's a real doozy for you: I'm a happily married woman, and the other night at a cocktail party, a male acquaintance of mine made a pass at me! I didn't know how to respond, so I acted embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven't talked since, but I know I'm going to see him at a picnic next month. I don't want it to be horribly awkward. What should I do?

—Confused In Cairo

Dear Confused,

I kept trying to tell Chad that I couldn't see the ass-candle, but he wouldn't listen. Chad was telling Troy he'd fail rush if he let it go out while he was swimming across Lake Wauwatosa, but Troy must've known that was total bullshit, and that the candle's just there for safety so we can see him in case anything goes wrong. I guess we kinda did want to see if Troy wanted to be a Beta bad enough to swim the whole half-mile with a big fuckin' candle up his ass, but, shit, man, nobody wanted the dude to drown. Fuck. This is some seriously messed-up shit.

Dear Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry,

My 14-year-old has really been testing me lately, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone until all hours of the night, and ignoring her homework. I told her that if she didn't shape up, she couldn't go to tennis camp this summer. Well, the other day, I finally put my money where my mouth is, and I told her she couldn't go to camp. She threw a huge fit, and now I feel like my punishment might have been too harsh. But if I go back on my promise, she'll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering In Winston-Salem

Dear Wavering,

I don't get it--we totally waited for Troy to throw up before taking him down to the lake. He threw up like five times, so there couldn't have been that much booze left in him. Plus, we made him eat the seven raw chicken livers, so he couldn't have been fucked up anymore. The food absorbs the alcohol, right? We were really fuckin' cautious, dude, you know that. Dude, we could totally lose our charter over this shit. And you can forget about Saturday's party with the Tri-Delts. Fuck.

Zach Peters is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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