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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and didn't want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to be supportive and cut him some slack, but another part wants to tell him to get lost. After all, he seems to be more interested in hanging out with his friends than in looking for a better-paying job. What do you think I should do?

—Tested In Tempe

Dear Tempe,

Oh, God, I'm dyin' over here! Somebody, get me some help, please. Oh, God, I'm dyin'. The pain! Lou, call for back-up if you can hear me. Unggggh! Tell Nancy I love her. Tell the kids to be brave, and tell them that their daddy loves them very much. The pain, I can't stand it! Oh, please help me. I'm too young to die.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

Here's a real doozy for you: I'm a happily married woman. Yet the other night at a cocktail party, a female acquaintance of mine made a pass at me! I didn't know how to respond, so I acted embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven't talked since, but I know I am going to see her at a picnic next month. I don't want it to be horribly awkward. What should I do?

—Confused In Cairo

Dear Confused,

Get me to the fuckin' hospital! Ghaaaaaagh! Jesus, I'm losing blood fast. Can't take the pain. Unnnnggghhhh! I'm shot. Real bad. I'm spittin' up blood. My insides are all blasted out. What a fuckin' mess! Please, somebody, my squad car is around the corner. Call for an ambulance. I can't take the pain. Unnnggggghh!

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My 14-year-old has really testing me lately, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone until all hours of the night, and ignoring her homework. I told her that if she didn't shape up, she couldn't go to tennis camp this summer, something she loves dearly. Well, the other day, I finally put my money where my mouth is and told her she couldn't go. She threw a fit, and now I feel like my punishment was too harsh. But if I go back on my promise, she'll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering In Winston-Salem

Dear Wavering,

Unnnrrrrrggghh! The pain! I can't take it much longer. My guts are all over the floor. I'm goin' to die, aren't I? Give it to me straight, I can handle the truth. Guuuggggghhhh. I'm losing consciousness. Oh, Jesus, that ambulance is never going to make it in time. I never saw it comin'. Oh, shit, no, please, don't let me die. I can't die, I can't. I got too much ahead of me. I love you, Nancy. I love you, Billy and Ashley. Please don't cry, it's okay. Unggghhhhh. Agggghhh. I'm dyin'.

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly advice column, Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His new book, I'm Dyin' Over Here, is due out this fall from Random House.

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