adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to say that he hasn’t tried hard enough to look for work since graduating from college, but the other part wants to be supportive and cut him some slack. I don’t really see him doing too much, and I know he likes to go out and have a good time, occasionally staying out all night. I don’t want to come off like a parent or anything. What should I do?

—Tested in Tempe

Dear Tested,

I’m dyin’ over here... Get me some help, please. Oh my God! The pain. I’m dyin’! Call for back-up... tell nancy i love her. I can’t stand it. oh Please help me.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

Here’s a doozy for you: I have a woman friend who knows I’m happily married, love my husband dearly and would never, ever, consider cheating on him. Yet the other night at a cocktail party, she made a pass at me! A pass! Can you believe that? I didn’t know how to respond, so I acted all embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven’t talked since, but I know I am going to see her at a picnic next month. I don’t want it to be horribly awkward. What do I do?

—Straight But Not Narrow in Naperville

Dear Straight But Not Narrow,

Get me to the fuckin’ hospital. GGhaaaaaagh. I’m losing blood fast. can’t Take the pain. Unnnnggghhhh. I’m shot... Real bad. I’m spittin’ up blood what a fuckin’ mess. Please, my squad car is around the corner. Call for an ambulance. I can’t take the pain. Rrrrrggggghh.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My 14-year-old is really testing me these days, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone to all hours and letting her schoolwork really pile up. I told her if she didn’t shape up, she couldn’t go to tennis camp this summer, something she’s done every summer for the past five years and loves dearly. Well, I finally put my money where my mouth was and told her the other day that she couldn’t go. She threw a fit, and now I feel like my punishment was too harsh. But if I go back on my promise then she’ll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering in Woburn

Dear Wavering,

OHHHHHHHH. The pain. I can’t take it. I’m goin’ to die, aren’t I? Give it to me straight. I can take it. Guuuuuuuggggghhhh. I’m losing consciousness. I never saw it comin’. I’m dyin’.

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly column, Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His new book, I’m Dyin’ Over Here, is due out this fall from Random House.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close