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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to say that he hasn’t tried hard enough to look for work since graduating from college, but the other part wants to be supportive and cut him some slack. I don’t really see him doing too much, and I know he likes to go out and have a good time, occasionally staying out all night. I don’t want to come off like a parent or anything. What should I do?

—Tested in Tempe

Dear Tested,

I’m dyin’ over here... Get me some help, please. Oh my God! The pain. I’m dyin’! Call for back-up... tell nancy i love her. I can’t stand it. oh Please help me.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

Here’s a doozy for you: I have a woman friend who knows I’m happily married, love my husband dearly and would never, ever, consider cheating on him. Yet the other night at a cocktail party, she made a pass at me! A pass! Can you believe that? I didn’t know how to respond, so I acted all embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven’t talked since, but I know I am going to see her at a picnic next month. I don’t want it to be horribly awkward. What do I do?

—Straight But Not Narrow in Naperville

Dear Straight But Not Narrow,

Get me to the fuckin’ hospital. GGhaaaaaagh. I’m losing blood fast. can’t Take the pain. Unnnnggghhhh. I’m shot... Real bad. I’m spittin’ up blood what a fuckin’ mess. Please, my squad car is around the corner. Call for an ambulance. I can’t take the pain. Rrrrrggggghh.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My 14-year-old is really testing me these days, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone to all hours and letting her schoolwork really pile up. I told her if she didn’t shape up, she couldn’t go to tennis camp this summer, something she’s done every summer for the past five years and loves dearly. Well, I finally put my money where my mouth was and told her the other day that she couldn’t go. She threw a fit, and now I feel like my punishment was too harsh. But if I go back on my promise then she’ll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering in Woburn

Dear Wavering,

OHHHHHHHH. The pain. I can’t take it. I’m goin’ to die, aren’t I? Give it to me straight. I can take it. Guuuuuuuggggghhhh. I’m losing consciousness. I never saw it comin’. I’m dyin’.

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly column, Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His new book, I’m Dyin’ Over Here, is due out this fall from Random House.

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