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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to say that he hasn’t tried hard enough to look for work since graduating from college, but the other part wants to be supportive and cut him some slack. I don’t really see him doing too much, and I know he likes to go out and have a good time, occasionally staying out all night. I don’t want to come off like a parent or anything. What should I do?

—Tested in Tempe

Dear Tested,

I’m dyin’ over here... Get me some help, please. Oh my God! The pain. I’m dyin’! Call for back-up... tell nancy i love her. I can’t stand it. oh Please help me.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

Here’s a doozy for you: I have a woman friend who knows I’m happily married, love my husband dearly and would never, ever, consider cheating on him. Yet the other night at a cocktail party, she made a pass at me! A pass! Can you believe that? I didn’t know how to respond, so I acted all embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven’t talked since, but I know I am going to see her at a picnic next month. I don’t want it to be horribly awkward. What do I do?

—Straight But Not Narrow in Naperville

Dear Straight But Not Narrow,

Get me to the fuckin’ hospital. GGhaaaaaagh. I’m losing blood fast. can’t Take the pain. Unnnnggghhhh. I’m shot... Real bad. I’m spittin’ up blood what a fuckin’ mess. Please, my squad car is around the corner. Call for an ambulance. I can’t take the pain. Rrrrrggggghh.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My 14-year-old is really testing me these days, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone to all hours and letting her schoolwork really pile up. I told her if she didn’t shape up, she couldn’t go to tennis camp this summer, something she’s done every summer for the past five years and loves dearly. Well, I finally put my money where my mouth was and told her the other day that she couldn’t go. She threw a fit, and now I feel like my punishment was too harsh. But if I go back on my promise then she’ll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering in Woburn

Dear Wavering,

OHHHHHHHH. The pain. I can’t take it. I’m goin’ to die, aren’t I? Give it to me straight. I can take it. Guuuuuuuggggghhhh. I’m losing consciousness. I never saw it comin’. I’m dyin’.

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly column, Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His new book, I’m Dyin’ Over Here, is due out this fall from Random House.

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