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Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to say that he hasn’t tried hard enough to look for work since graduating from college, but the other part wants to be supportive and cut him some slack. I don’t really see him doing too much, and I know he likes to go out and have a good time, occasionally staying out all night. I don’t want to come off like a parent or anything. What should I do?

—Tested in Tempe

Dear Tested,

I’m dyin’ over here... Get me some help, please. Oh my God! The pain. I’m dyin’! Call for back-up... tell nancy i love her. I can’t stand it. oh Please help me.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

Here’s a doozy for you: I have a woman friend who knows I’m happily married, love my husband dearly and would never, ever, consider cheating on him. Yet the other night at a cocktail party, she made a pass at me! A pass! Can you believe that? I didn’t know how to respond, so I acted all embarrassed and left the room quickly. We haven’t talked since, but I know I am going to see her at a picnic next month. I don’t want it to be horribly awkward. What do I do?

—Straight But Not Narrow in Naperville

Dear Straight But Not Narrow,

Get me to the fuckin’ hospital. GGhaaaaaagh. I’m losing blood fast. can’t Take the pain. Unnnnggghhhh. I’m shot... Real bad. I’m spittin’ up blood what a fuckin’ mess. Please, my squad car is around the corner. Call for an ambulance. I can’t take the pain. Rrrrrggggghh.

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman,

My 14-year-old is really testing me these days, staying out past curfew, talking on the phone to all hours and letting her schoolwork really pile up. I told her if she didn’t shape up, she couldn’t go to tennis camp this summer, something she’s done every summer for the past five years and loves dearly. Well, I finally put my money where my mouth was and told her the other day that she couldn’t go. She threw a fit, and now I feel like my punishment was too harsh. But if I go back on my promise then she’ll never respect my threats. How do I get out of this situation with parental dignity intact?

—Wavering in Woburn

Dear Wavering,

OHHHHHHHH. The pain. I can’t take it. I’m goin’ to die, aren’t I? Give it to me straight. I can take it. Guuuuuuuggggghhhh. I’m losing consciousness. I never saw it comin’. I’m dyin’.

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly column, Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. His new book, I’m Dyin’ Over Here, is due out this fall from Random House.

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