adBlockCheck

Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

My well-to-do friend keeps buying me expensive presents. As much as I appreciate the kind gestures, there's no way I can return the favors on my meager salary. Should I accept the gifts graciously or tell her to cut out the constant Christmas?

—Showered In Cheyenne

Dear Showered,

The way I see it, that whole northeast corner of the basement is just sitting there completely unused, and a nice little four-seat wet bar would be perfect. I can probably get a bunch of lumber on sale, and stain some of it for the bar and use the rest for the shelves. You never get all good lumber, but almost any wood is good enough for shelves. I'll install one of those liquor racks underneath the bar, and stick seven or eight bottles down there, decent stuff like Beam and Cuervo. With a lock on them, of course, seeing as the kids are getting to that age.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

I've been dating a wonderful guy for the past six months. We generally get along great, but every time the opportunity comes up for him to meet my parents, he says he's too busy. Is he being non-committal, or am I just being too pushy?

—Waiting In Fort Wayne

Dear Waiting,

Chris down at the Town Pump says I can have his extra Heineken neon sign. That'd be a classy touch, having an imported-beer sign like that. And maybe I can also get a few of those lacquered signs with the funny sayings on them, like, "They Treat Me Like A Mushroom–They Keep Me In The Dark And Feed Me Shit." The bar should also have a little fridge, of course, stocked with soda pop, wine and maraschino cherries, and maybe some Bud Lights for Lois' brother. But no beer on tap. I don't want to go overboard.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

My friend and I have weekly lunch dates, at which she tells me everything that's been happening in her life–and I do mean everything! As a more private person, should I stand up for my right to keep some of my cards under the table, or should I just go with the flow and spill my guts, too?

—Secretive In Sacramento

Dear ,

Finding stools should be easy. You can get good stools just about anywhere. But it's important to watch what you spend. Stools are one of those things like drapes–you never think they're going to cost a lot, but, without even realizing it, you wind up paying like $300. Hopefully, I can get a good deal on some nice stools with the red vinyl cushions and the brass bolts. Those would go great with the red-and-white shag carpeting.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

Here's a real doozy for you: My husband and I wouldn't miss our friend Stephanie's wedding for the world, but my sister, who I haven't seen in more than 10 years, is going to be in town on the very same weekend. Would it be rude to ask for an invite for dear old sis? Help!

—Torn In Tacoma

Dear Torn,

I'm not sure what you call them, but I'll definitely need one of those swivel things like they have in bars that goes up in the corner and holds the television. It'd also be nice to have some plants, but they probably wouldn't do too well in the basement. I'll put my picture of me and Telly Savalas up on the wall, along with my plaque from when I bowled the 250 game and that giant sombrero Lois got when we went to Cancun. And ashtrays. Plenty of ashtrays.

Joseph Crandall is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close