Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room

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Vol 33 Issue 16

Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan called for tougher restrictions on Pier One imports during a living-room press conference Monday. "If steps are not taken, this house will soon be overrun by end tables, pillowcases, glassware, throw rugs, bath towels, lamps and stationery," said Pollan, addressing his wife, Suzanne. "The flow of Pier One imports into this house must be significantly reduced, or I will order a total embargo on merchandise from that store, as well as a freeze on all joint credit-card accounts."

Bank Patrons Can Expect Same Poor Service After Merger

ROANOKE, VA—A day after the bank's record-breaking $42 billion merger with First Federal of Virginia, spokespersons for Midlantic Trust held a press conference Monday to assure Midlantic customers that they can still expect the same atrocious service they have always received in the past. "Just because we've merged with First Federal doesn't mean we've changed," Midlantic president Harlan Shore said. "In the future, you can expect the same long lines, stand-offish tellers, and exorbitantly high loan rates you've come to count on here at Midlantic."

Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer Co-Sign Apartment Lease

IRVINE, CA—In a mega-deal that is sending shockwaves through the apartment-rental industry, rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-signed a one-year, $550-a-month lease Tuesday. The deal, which includes heat, on-street parking and utilities, guarantees the early-'90s superstars a place to live through September 1999. "I am extremely excited about this joint-living venture between myself and MC Hammer," Vanilla Ice said. "I look forward to sharing this two-bedroom apartment with him and am confident we can work together to keep the kitchen and living-room areas clean." The pair is not permitted to have pets.

Area Stoner Has Mind-Blowing Out-Of-Cheetos Experience

AUSTIN, TX—Area stoner Clyde "Duane" Fontaine, a self-described "part-time mop guy and full-time connoisseur of el primo cheeba cheeba," had a transcendent, mind-blowing moment of insight during a mystical out-of-Cheetos experience Monday.

Funny Monkey Tested On

DAYTON, OH—Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on at ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory last week.

I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!

I never knew losing those extra pounds could be so easy until I discovered VitaLoss. With the help of this miracle weight-loss system, developed by nutritionists at ProStart labs, I lost 32 pounds in 15 days, and died!

The Shroud Of Turin

On public display for the first time in 20 years, the Shroud Of Turin—believed by millions to be Christ's burial shroud, despite being carbon-dated to the Middle Ages—is once again a hot topic of debate. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

My well-to-do friend keeps buying me expensive presents. As much as I appreciate the kind gestures, there's no way I can return the favors on my meager salary. Should I accept the gifts graciously or tell her to cut out the constant Christmas?

—Showered In Cheyenne

Dear Showered,

The way I see it, that whole northeast corner of the basement is just sitting there completely unused, and a nice little four-seat wet bar would be perfect. I can probably get a bunch of lumber on sale, and stain some of it for the bar and use the rest for the shelves. You never get all good lumber, but almost any wood is good enough for shelves. I'll install one of those liquor racks underneath the bar, and stick seven or eight bottles down there, decent stuff like Beam and Cuervo. With a lock on them, of course, seeing as the kids are getting to that age.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

I've been dating a wonderful guy for the past six months. We generally get along great, but every time the opportunity comes up for him to meet my parents, he says he's too busy. Is he being non-committal, or am I just being too pushy?

—Waiting In Fort Wayne

Dear Waiting,

Chris down at the Town Pump says I can have his extra Heineken neon sign. That'd be a classy touch, having an imported-beer sign like that. And maybe I can also get a few of those lacquered signs with the funny sayings on them, like, "They Treat Me Like A Mushroom–They Keep Me In The Dark And Feed Me Shit." The bar should also have a little fridge, of course, stocked with soda pop, wine and maraschino cherries, and maybe some Bud Lights for Lois' brother. But no beer on tap. I don't want to go overboard.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

My friend and I have weekly lunch dates, at which she tells me everything that's been happening in her life–and I do mean everything! As a more private person, should I stand up for my right to keep some of my cards under the table, or should I just go with the flow and spill my guts, too?

—Secretive In Sacramento

Dear ,

Finding stools should be easy. You can get good stools just about anywhere. But it's important to watch what you spend. Stools are one of those things like drapes–you never think they're going to cost a lot, but, without even realizing it, you wind up paying like $300. Hopefully, I can get a good deal on some nice stools with the red vinyl cushions and the brass bolts. Those would go great with the red-and-white shag carpeting.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

Here's a real doozy for you: My husband and I wouldn't miss our friend Stephanie's wedding for the world, but my sister, who I haven't seen in more than 10 years, is going to be in town on the very same weekend. Would it be rude to ask for an invite for dear old sis? Help!

—Torn In Tacoma

Dear Torn,

I'm not sure what you call them, but I'll definitely need one of those swivel things like they have in bars that goes up in the corner and holds the television. It'd also be nice to have some plants, but they probably wouldn't do too well in the basement. I'll put my picture of me and Telly Savalas up on the wall, along with my plaque from when I bowled the 250 game and that giant sombrero Lois got when we went to Cancun. And ashtrays. Plenty of ashtrays.

Joseph Crandall is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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