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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

My well-to-do friend keeps buying me expensive presents. As much as I appreciate the kind gestures, there's no way I can return the favors on my meager salary. Should I accept the gifts graciously or tell her to cut out the constant Christmas?

—Showered In Cheyenne

Dear Showered,

The way I see it, that whole northeast corner of the basement is just sitting there completely unused, and a nice little four-seat wet bar would be perfect. I can probably get a bunch of lumber on sale, and stain some of it for the bar and use the rest for the shelves. You never get all good lumber, but almost any wood is good enough for shelves. I'll install one of those liquor racks underneath the bar, and stick seven or eight bottles down there, decent stuff like Beam and Cuervo. With a lock on them, of course, seeing as the kids are getting to that age.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

I've been dating a wonderful guy for the past six months. We generally get along great, but every time the opportunity comes up for him to meet my parents, he says he's too busy. Is he being non-committal, or am I just being too pushy?

—Waiting In Fort Wayne

Dear Waiting,

Chris down at the Town Pump says I can have his extra Heineken neon sign. That'd be a classy touch, having an imported-beer sign like that. And maybe I can also get a few of those lacquered signs with the funny sayings on them, like, "They Treat Me Like A Mushroom–They Keep Me In The Dark And Feed Me Shit." The bar should also have a little fridge, of course, stocked with soda pop, wine and maraschino cherries, and maybe some Bud Lights for Lois' brother. But no beer on tap. I don't want to go overboard.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

My friend and I have weekly lunch dates, at which she tells me everything that's been happening in her life–and I do mean everything! As a more private person, should I stand up for my right to keep some of my cards under the table, or should I just go with the flow and spill my guts, too?

—Secretive In Sacramento

Dear ,

Finding stools should be easy. You can get good stools just about anywhere. But it's important to watch what you spend. Stools are one of those things like drapes–you never think they're going to cost a lot, but, without even realizing it, you wind up paying like $300. Hopefully, I can get a good deal on some nice stools with the red vinyl cushions and the brass bolts. Those would go great with the red-and-white shag carpeting.

Dear Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room,

Here's a real doozy for you: My husband and I wouldn't miss our friend Stephanie's wedding for the world, but my sister, who I haven't seen in more than 10 years, is going to be in town on the very same weekend. Would it be rude to ask for an invite for dear old sis? Help!

—Torn In Tacoma

Dear Torn,

I'm not sure what you call them, but I'll definitely need one of those swivel things like they have in bars that goes up in the corner and holds the television. It'd also be nice to have some plants, but they probably wouldn't do too well in the basement. I'll put my picture of me and Telly Savalas up on the wall, along with my plaque from when I bowled the 250 game and that giant sombrero Lois got when we went to Cancun. And ashtrays. Plenty of ashtrays.

Joseph Crandall is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Guy Considering Installing A Wet Bar In His Basement Rec Room, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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