Ask A Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types

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NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...
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Ask A Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types

Dear Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types,

Christmas is coming up, and once again, I'm at a total loss for what to get my dad. He's just so picky about the things he likes, yet he refuses to make a wish list like everyone else in the family. I don't want to get him the usual books and CDs, but every time I ask him what he wants, he claims he already has enough stuff. Any suggestions?

—Stumped in Burlington

Dear Stumped,

Look, I've dealt with some of these lawyer types in the past, so I know how this is going to shake out. You just got to know how to handle them. That's all. Here's what they're going to try to do: They're going to try and snow you with a bunch of fancy legal hogwash, just to throw you off your game a little. Everything's going to be "plaintiff" this and "settlement" that, and around and around they'll go. But don't let that rattle you. You've got to sit up straight and keep your eyes open around these characters. They're just trying to take you for a little ride on the old "money-go-round." And trust me, admission isn't free.

Dear Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types,

I just got offered a new job on the 22nd floor of a large office building. The only problem is, I'm deathly afraid of heights! I know it's dumb not to take a job simply because it's in a tall building, but at the same time I don't really want to work in a place that's going to make me a nervous wreck all day. Should I turn the job down?

—Scaredy Cat In Pittsburgh

Dear Scaredy Cat,

You've just got to force these Ivy League types to meet you halfway, understand? Otherwise you're giving them an open invitation to walk all over you. Trust me, I went through hell and back with Tammy's lawyers, so I've got a pretty good idea how this works. For instance, say you're sitting in one of these lawyers' offices, right? And they offer you a glass of water or a cup of coffee. What do you do? Do you accept it? No, you don't accept it. See, if you accept it, you're putting them in the position of power. You don't want them to gain the upper hand, is the thing. Now. Say one of these lawyers offers to pick up the check at a nice restaurant. Do you let them? No, you don't let them. Wait—I mean, yes! Yes, you do let them! Why should you have to pick up the check when you're the one paying $200 an hour? See what I'm saying? They're slippery, and you're going to have to think like a shark if you want to outfox them. And for the love of Christ, don't sign anything! Don't even hold a pen in your hand. That's Rule Numero Uno with these people. Once they got your John Hancock down on paper, they got you by the balls. And boy do these jokesters know how to slam you on the fine print. You sign one or two little divorce papers and next thing you know you're giving half your salary to a woman who hasn't worked a day in her life since college. Give me a goddamned break.

Dear Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types,

What's an appropriate amount of money to spend on Christmas gifts for my coworkers? This year's Secret Santa is set at $50, but I think that's too high. Should I say something to my boss, or am I being an Ebenezer Scrooge?

—Penny Pincher in Petoskey

Dear Penny Pincher,

Don't let 'em sweat you. Do not let these guys catch you asleep on the wing, or you can kiss your sweet keister goodbye. The only thing these bloodsuckers understand is eye contact and a good strong handshake. You let them know right off the bat that you're not some rube who's going to faint at the sight of their framed degrees and big lawyer chairs. Do everything I say and you might just make it out with your wallet intact.

Dear Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types,

It seems no matter how hard I try, I just can't get my kids to eat healthy. They refuse the nutritious food I cook at home, and when they go over to their friends' houses they get to eat all the junk food they want. How can I make them appreciate the value of healthy eating?

—Healthy Mom in Hartford

Dear Healthy Mom,

See, that's the difference between these lawyer types and me. If I have a problem with somebody I just tell them to their face, because that's what real men do. But these scum? They act as if everything's kosher and then a month later—like damn clockwork—you get a letter in the mail claiming you owe them another $6,500 in retroactive charges for "services rendered." Before you know it, you've got legal fees coming out of your ass, you're a month late on your alimony payments, and it's 3 a.m. and your ex-wife's lawyers have sent some guy over to spy on you and you know it's him because there's a green Tercel parked out front with its lights off and who the hell else could that be? And then, when you try to have a discussion with your ex-wife about it, all of a sudden you're "in violation" of some ridiculous court order that her lawyers probably tricked her into signing in the first place. See, that's when these guys start twisting words around: Steal your ex-wife's dog, borrow your ex-wife's dog—it's all the same to them! And then you have to go through four different lawyers, 11 or 12 prolonged hearings, and $15,000 in more fees just to establish in court that it was her who was hitting you. Come on! Where's the justice in that? Look, a man can only be pushed so far before he snaps. That's just a fact. So Mr. Hot Shot McLawyer over there can smirk all he wants for the judge, but we'll just see how big and tough he is when I drag his shyster ass out behind the courthouse and show him what's what. Take it from me. I've dealt with this kind of thing before.

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