Ask A Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex Ed

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Vol 35 Issue 20

Portrait Of Nude, Bleeding Man Hung On School Wall

BOISE, ID—As a reminder of God's abundant and undying love for them, a portrait of a nearly naked, bleeding man was hung in full view of students at St. Matthew's Catholic High School Tuesday. The image of the almost-nude, dripping man violently nailed to wooden planks, now on permanent display in the school's central hallway, "reminds us that God would do anything for his children," said Sister Mary Margaret, the school's math teacher. "It presents an uplifting message of love and salvation to inspire us all." Sister Mary went on to praise the craftsmanship of the piece, saying, "You can actually see his bulging eyeballs roll up into his head and the trickles of ooze running into the sockets. Amazing!"

Hypothetical Cat Simultaneously Dead And Alive, Physicists Say

SYRACUSE, NY—In a turn of events that has baffled students of quantum mechanics for more than half a century, a hypothetical cat was suspended in a state of unknowable probability flux between life and death Tuesday, after being placed in a box during a "thought experiment" in a Syracuse University lecture. Approx-imately 15 Physics 252 undergraduates blinked uncomprehendingly at high-energy physicist and instructor Chad Parks, 41, as he explained that the box contained a radioactive atom which may or may not decay, releasing an alpha particle which, if detected by a geiger-counter, may or may not trigger a hammer, shattering a flask of deadly prussic acid. The cat, originally postulated by wave-particle duality theorist Erwin Schroedinger in 1935, is expected to remain in this paradoxical superposition of decayed and undecayed states until an observer opens the box, collapsing the animal’s wave function.

Teen Publication Takes Bold Anti-Peer-Pressure Stance

ANAHEIM, CA—TeenPulse, a monthly publication targeted at 13- to- 17-year-olds nationwide, shocked industry insiders by espousing a courageous anti-peer-pressure position in its June issue. "Friends who try to pressure you into something you don't want to do are no friends at all," contributing editor Cassandra Walters urged a reader in her monthly advice column. "Say 'so long' and get yourself some new buds who like you just the way you are." Also featured in TeenPulse's June issue is a "Cool Summertime Looks You Can't Do Without" pull-out shopping guide.

Shit Parking Ticket Fuck

FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking ticket in the amount of 35 fucking goddamn dollars Monday, fuck. Where were the goddamn cops when the dude stole the hubcaps off of Shore's light brown 1992 Escort last year, the 27-year-old line cook would reportedly like to fucking know. The ticket, which Shore will have to work five whole fucking hours at his shitty fucking job just to pay, was placed on his vehicle by the asshole fucking Nazi parking patrol shortly after noon. Jesus fuck.

You Want A Piece Of Me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut? Huh? You want a piece of me, is that it? You want a piece of me?

Vehicular Search And Seizure

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you think of the court's decision to expand police powers and limit the rights of criminal suspects?

Taking Care Of Business

After I returned from the Zweibel Estate following several months of wandering in the cruel wilderness, I found that my study was full to bursting with paper-work and correspondence, much of which predated my time in penurious exile. There were multitudes of dunning letters from vulturous creditors who called in their debts upon learning of my misfortune. It seemed that every trades-man in the county, from the black-smith to the chandler, came out of the wood-work to proclaim that T. Herman Zweibel was beholden to them. So, upon the restoration of my fortune, I had my man-servant Standish pay what was owed to these craven bastards, then sent my Swiss Guard out to burn their rude shops to the ground. Now they know who's boss!
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Ask A Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex Ed

Dear Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex Ed,

While at a dinner party recently, I spilled red wine all over my neighbors' expensive white couch. I've offered many times to pay to have it re-upholstered, but they won't accept any money. I know they're trying to be gracious, but I can't stop thinking about how klutzy I was until they allow me to make amends. What do you suggest?

—Embarassed in El Paso

Dear Embarassed,

All right, people. Are we all ready to go? Okay, then. Let's get down to the task at hand. Puberty is a very special time in a young person's life. It's a time of great change. A young person will begin to experience many new and different feelings. They'll have hormones—new magical hormones—which come from glands. Plus, they'll grow hair. Hair on the... body, and they'll need to know... Ah, never mind. Let's cut to the chase and take a look at the wall charts. This right here, that's what would be called a reproductive system. Does anyone know what a system is? Well, let me tell you. It's a team—a team made up of organs. Everything works together, and just as a football team has a tight end and a quarterback, the organs and parts have their own special jobs to do. For example, take a look inside the scrotal sac. Is everyone still with me here?

Dear Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex Ed,

My best friend is Queen Of The Slow-pokes! I hate arriving anywhere late, but every time we go to a social event together, the two of us always trail in last. Should I just grin and bear the disapproving glances, or can I let the host know the delay wasn't my fault?

—Tardy in Tampa Bay

Dear Tardy,

Okay, this one's a doozy—the female's menstrual cycle. Now, the only ones who get this menstruation, or "menses," are the females, or "girls" or "women." Oh, you knew that already, Hughes? I'll bet you did. Maybe you should be teaching this class, then. Okay, settle down, everyone. I said settle down! Now, this funny-looking football-shaped thing right here is a uterus. And this thing below it is a... Let me just see what that says... the faltopia tubes... fallopian tubes. Right. That's where your egg or ova—write that down, O-V-A—is gonna travel down on the way to the... Let's see. What the heck does that one say? The words sure aren't very clear. Hold on, folks. Um, we got your female cervix right there, but what's that say after the "u"? Oh, wait, I got it. It's the "urethra." Is something funny about the word urethra, Hughes? Are you paying attention, or are you entertaining your friends? Now, where was I? Okay. The pelvic cavity.

Dear Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex Ed,

A new employee has turned our office into a fashion show! There's always a crowd around her discussing her new shoes or expensive purse. I'm not about to suggest we have a company dress code, but it seems like nothing is getting done around here. What would you suggest?

—Irked In Indianapolis

Dear Irked,

Okay, crew. So basically, then, after the sperm is produced in the testes, it moves into something called the epididymis. What's that, Severson? Oh, it's spelled T-E-S-T... Well, it's in the textbook. Then the sperm mixes with the seminal and prostatic fluids to form semen, which is propelled into the urethra and discharged from the external genitalia. The end. Now that you know the mechanics of everything, I suppose you want to know how it all works between a man and a woman, what the big deal is. Well, uh, it's sort of like when two birds decide they want to lay some eggs. Or, scoring a touchdown in the big game, or when something special happens. Well, you know what I mean. Are there any questions? On second thought, let's forget the questions. Just open your Health books to chapter 11 and read silently in your seats for the rest of the period.

Gary Fenske is a middle-school physical-education teacher whose weekly syndicated advice column, Ask A Gym Teacher Who Got Stuck Teaching Sex Ed, appears in more than 250 papers nationwide.

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