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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

Dear Petey Paws,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get my life going again after a very painful break-up. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a hard time finding appropriate social channels for me to meet people. Not to mention that if I did meet someone, I can't imagine bringing him home to meet the kids. Any suggestions?

—Ready in Raleigh

Dear Ready,

Ooh-hoo! I know what I'll do! I'll hide a big stick of dynamite in the cheese! Then I'll put the cheese right in Mr. Nibbles' mouse hole! Everyone knows that that mouse can't resist cheese—the smell will lure him out of his hidey-hole, and then... Ka-Plooey! The dynamite will explodificate him! Then I'll have him for supper, you betcha I will! Mmm, mmm! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! He won't get away this time! That is, unless that no-good, smarty-pants dog Commander Barks finds out what I'm up to. Then my name is mud! Yikes! Oh, my stars!

Dear Petey Paws,

Our youngest just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our household. Any tips?

—Sad in Saskatoon

Dear Saskatoon,

Hoo-boy! My mail-order cannon just came in the mail, along with a crash helmet and a pair of cymbals! Now I can shoot myself out of the cannon, and Mr. Nibbles won't be able to outrun me any more! Ka-Pow! Bang-Zooie! I'll smash him between the cymbals and vibrate him, but good! But wait: Mr. Nibbles and Commander Barks are putting a funnel on the end of a long pipe—a pipe that runs into a pickle jar! Oh, brother! I gotta put this fuse out, or I'm gonna be one canned cat! Moicy!

Dear Petey Paws,

I'm a single man who's never had a lot of luck with women. I'm fairly attactive, I suppose, but I get very uncomfortable around women I like. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to give me any good advice. Can you help?

—Shaken in Charlotte

Dear Shaken,

Drat! That lousy, rascally, good-for-nothing Mr. Nibbles did it again! He took a whole wheel of cheeses from the fridge, and when the lady with the apron found out, she shook her finger at me and tapped her foot and said, "Petey, you'd better catch that mouse... Either he goes or you go!" And the whole time, Commander Barks was standing behind her, sticking his tongue out at me! Fiddlesticks! Ooh, I swear, when I get my hands on that no-good rodent, it's gonna be lights out for him! Splat! Blammo!

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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