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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

Dear Petey Paws,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get my life going again after a very painful break-up. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a hard time finding appropriate social channels for me to meet people. Not to mention that if I did meet someone, I can't imagine bringing him home to meet the kids. Any suggestions?

—Ready in Raleigh

Dear Ready,

Ooh-hoo! I know what I'll do! I'll hide a big stick of dynamite in the cheese! Then I'll put the cheese right in Mr. Nibbles' mouse hole! Everyone knows that that mouse can't resist cheese—the smell will lure him out of his hidey-hole, and then... Ka-Plooey! The dynamite will explodificate him! Then I'll have him for supper, you betcha I will! Mmm, mmm! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! He won't get away this time! That is, unless that no-good, smarty-pants dog Commander Barks finds out what I'm up to. Then my name is mud! Yikes! Oh, my stars!

Dear Petey Paws,

Our youngest just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our household. Any tips?

—Sad in Saskatoon

Dear Saskatoon,

Hoo-boy! My mail-order cannon just came in the mail, along with a crash helmet and a pair of cymbals! Now I can shoot myself out of the cannon, and Mr. Nibbles won't be able to outrun me any more! Ka-Pow! Bang-Zooie! I'll smash him between the cymbals and vibrate him, but good! But wait: Mr. Nibbles and Commander Barks are putting a funnel on the end of a long pipe—a pipe that runs into a pickle jar! Oh, brother! I gotta put this fuse out, or I'm gonna be one canned cat! Moicy!

Dear Petey Paws,

I'm a single man who's never had a lot of luck with women. I'm fairly attactive, I suppose, but I get very uncomfortable around women I like. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to give me any good advice. Can you help?

—Shaken in Charlotte

Dear Shaken,

Drat! That lousy, rascally, good-for-nothing Mr. Nibbles did it again! He took a whole wheel of cheeses from the fridge, and when the lady with the apron found out, she shook her finger at me and tapped her foot and said, "Petey, you'd better catch that mouse... Either he goes or you go!" And the whole time, Commander Barks was standing behind her, sticking his tongue out at me! Fiddlesticks! Ooh, I swear, when I get my hands on that no-good rodent, it's gonna be lights out for him! Splat! Blammo!

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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