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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

Dear Petey Paws,

I'm a divorced mother of three trying to get my life going again after a very painful break-up. My kids are still resentful, and I'm having a hard time finding appropriate social channels for me to meet people. Not to mention that if I did meet someone, I can't imagine bringing him home to meet the kids. Any suggestions?

—Ready in Raleigh

Dear Ready,

Ooh-hoo! I know what I'll do! I'll hide a big stick of dynamite in the cheese! Then I'll put the cheese right in Mr. Nibbles' mouse hole! Everyone knows that that mouse can't resist cheese—the smell will lure him out of his hidey-hole, and then... Ka-Plooey! The dynamite will explodificate him! Then I'll have him for supper, you betcha I will! Mmm, mmm! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! He won't get away this time! That is, unless that no-good, smarty-pants dog Commander Barks finds out what I'm up to. Then my name is mud! Yikes! Oh, my stars!

Dear Petey Paws,

Our youngest just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has gone out of our household. Any tips?

—Sad in Saskatoon

Dear Saskatoon,

Hoo-boy! My mail-order cannon just came in the mail, along with a crash helmet and a pair of cymbals! Now I can shoot myself out of the cannon, and Mr. Nibbles won't be able to outrun me any more! Ka-Pow! Bang-Zooie! I'll smash him between the cymbals and vibrate him, but good! But wait: Mr. Nibbles and Commander Barks are putting a funnel on the end of a long pipe—a pipe that runs into a pickle jar! Oh, brother! I gotta put this fuse out, or I'm gonna be one canned cat! Moicy!

Dear Petey Paws,

I'm a single man who's never had a lot of luck with women. I'm fairly attactive, I suppose, but I get very uncomfortable around women I like. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to give me any good advice. Can you help?

—Shaken in Charlotte

Dear Shaken,

Drat! That lousy, rascally, good-for-nothing Mr. Nibbles did it again! He took a whole wheel of cheeses from the fridge, and when the lady with the apron found out, she shook her finger at me and tapped her foot and said, "Petey, you'd better catch that mouse... Either he goes or you go!" And the whole time, Commander Barks was standing behind her, sticking his tongue out at me! Fiddlesticks! Ooh, I swear, when I get my hands on that no-good rodent, it's gonna be lights out for him! Splat! Blammo!

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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