Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work

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2000 Election

Child Subjected To Elaborate Hairdo

GRAND RAPIDS, MI– Renee Wilkins, 4, was subjected to a painful, elaborate hairdo at the hands of her mother Monday. "Look how pretty my baby looks," said Chanté Wilkins, 31, after spending three hours meticulously braiding her daughter's hair and stringing 250 multicolored plastic beads onto the braids. "Doesn't she look just like Venus Williams?" Ever since the completion of the elaborate procedure, the child has worn a stocking cap to muffle the beads' ceaseless clacking sound.

Strom Thurmond Begins Preparing Cabinet

WASHINGTON, DC– With the presidential-succession crisis threatening to drag on for months, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) began the process of assembling his Cabinet Monday. "See here, I believe I'll take Lester Maddox as my Secretary of War," said the 97-year-old Thurmond, who, as president pro tempore of the Senate, is second in line for the White House if the president-elect is not determined by Inauguration Day. "And that Orval Faubus would do a fine job as Secretary of Slaves, he surely would." Thurmond said he has not yet decided who would head the Department of Cows and Chickens.

Recount Reveals Nader Defeated

TALLAHASSEE, FL– A third recount by Florida election officials has "definitively determined" that Green Party candidate Ralph Nader was defeated in the state. "There was a very significant 25,603-vote discrepancy between the first two counts, with Nader losing by respective margins of 2,812,339 and 2,837,942, so we decided to conduct a hand recount," Florida Attorney General Jim Smith said. "We now know that Nader lost by precisely 2,821,278 votes." It is not yet known whether Nader lost to Gore or Bush.

Hypothetical Question Clearly Not Hypothetical

YUMA, AZ– Brad Thorstadt was rattled Monday, when hiking partner and longtime friend Ken Daniels asked him a hypothetical question that clearly was not hypothetical. "What the hell did he mean by, 'Hypothetically speaking, if you and Cheryl were into threesomes, would you consider me?'" Thorstadt asked. "That's not the kind of thing you just ask hypothetically." Thorstadt added that he likes Daniels and everything, but damn.

Area Man A Walking Encyclopedia Of Everything Except Leading A Normal Life

ODESSA, TX– Gene Weldon, 34, was praised by friends and family Monday for his expertise on dog breeding, spelunking, and countless other subjects except leading a normal life. "One time, I asked Gene what he thought about the recent market fluctuations, and he gives this long lecture on the history of the Nikkei Index," friend Mindy Becker said. "With a body of knowledge like that, you'd think he'd at least own a car." Cousin Mike Framisch agreed, saying, "For a guy with no regular full-time job, he knows an awful lot about the ecosystem of the Marianas Trench."

I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze

Did you ever know a "chocoholic"? One of those folks who just can't get enough chocolate? I bet there's at least one in your home or workplace. At my house, it's my wife Emily. She's got to have her little bowl of Hershey's Kisses in the living room. She can't go shopping without bringing home some chocolate ice cream or a chocolate-cake mix. She's even got a funny little sweatshirt that says, "My Name Is Emily, And I'm A Chocoholic."

A Portentous Estate Sale

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution district. This transaction was conceived as a way to shore-up the paper's dwindling cash reserves. I still believe my asking price of $20 million and the marriage-hand of Lillian Gish was more than fair, but to date I have received no letters of inquiry. God damn my fellow plutocrats for the weak-willed, lily-livered cheap-skates they are!

Government-Publications Enthusiast Makes Pilgrimage To Pueblo, CO

PUEBLO, CO– Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Kim Cheever of Ames, IA, made a pilgrimage Tuesday to Pueblo's Federal Consumer Information Center. "This is the happiest moment of my life," said Cheever, touring the center that has produced informative government leaflets for the past 30 years. "To think that pamphlets like 'Making The Updated Tax Code Work For You' were dreamed up right here." Cheever ended her visit with a stop at the gift shop, where she purchased a copy of the classic 1972 brochure "Preparing For The Metric Conversion" and a rare misprint edition of "Raising Poultry For Meat And Eggs."
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

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Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work

Dear Doug Bauer,

My friend is going all-out for her upcoming wedding–400 guests, tons of flowers, the works. As her maid of honor, I'm spending every minute of my free time driving her from one store to another. I'm honored she wants me at her side on her big day, but does that mean I need to be her personal chauffeur for the three months leading up to it?

—Worn Out In Wilmington

Dear Worn Out,

Doug Bauer, purchasing. Hi, Anne. I really can't talk right this–what's wrong? Well, no, not exactly. Honey, I really can't talk right now. I'm right in the middle of something. No, I didn't forget. I just didn't have time. Yes, I know. Yes. Honey, I really can't–I know. I know. Hold on. I know. Honey, hold on a sec. What do you need, Ben? The Datech order? I'm just finishing it up. Five minutes, I'll bring it down. Anne? I'm sorry. Ben. Ben Upchurch. Yes, the one with the BMW. I'm sorry, sweetie, but I have to go now, okay? I know, but I didn't mean to. I didn't–I'll do it as soon as I get home, I promise. I'm writing it down right now–deck... furniture. I will. No, I won't forget. Because I said I wouldn't. That really isn't necessary, is it? Why? All right, fine: I promise I'll do it as soon as I get home. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Yes, dear.

Dear Doug Bauer,

Now that I've moved to a small apartment in a retirement center, the last thing I need is clutter. Next month, I'm having my 70th birthday party, which leads to my problem. At previous parties, I've asked that no one bring a gift, but many just dismissed my request as modesty. How do I make it clear I'm serious about my guests showing up empty-handed?

—Cramped In Cranston

Dear Cramped,

Doug Bauer, purchasing. Anne, I can't talk. Yes, I'm aware what day it is. Of course I did. The what? Aw, Christ. Do we have to? It's just that it's been a hell of a day here. Can't we just skip it? Of course I care about your sister. Of course. Yes, of course. I just don't think I... Do you have to bring that up? You said you forgave me for that. I know. I know. Honey, this has nothing to do with that. I know. An ice-cream cake? Where am I supposed to get an ice-cream cake? Honey, I have a call on the other line. What's Bambi's? Bambi's Bakery? Where is it? Fine, I'll look it up. Sweetie, I really have to get that call. Chocolate? I'll do my best. Marbled? Okay. I've got to go. I understand. Of course I love you. Because I'm very busy, that's why. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes, I love you. Of course I meant it. No, of course not. If I sound busy, it's because I am. Why? Okay, I love you, Anne.

Dear Doug Bauer,

My boyfriend has the worst taste in clothing. Not only that, he only has about three shirts he actually wears, and they're all worn out and faded. Now he's in line for a possible promotion at work, and I think it's time to whip his wardrobe into shape. I don't expect him to become a fashion plate, but I do think having a neat and professional appearance counts in the eyes of an employer. Don't you agree?

—Exasperated In El Paso

Dear Exasperated,

Doug Bauer, purchasing. Honey, I can't even understand you. Slow down. A phone call? No. No, I wasn't. Can we talk about this when I get home? I really don't have time right now. Honey, I need to get... Honey, please... Honey, I... Hon–what do you mean? Who? Sarah who? If you don't, how should I? This really isn't a good time for this sort of thing. Because I'm sitting at my desk. I'm in my cubicle and everyone is–I know. It's just that there are a lot of people hovering around nearby, and I'd really rather not–I know. Can't we just talk about this when I get home? When I get home, I promise I'll... I swear, I don't know anyone named Sarah. No. What? Why didn't you say she was calling from Dr. Silver's office? I thought you knew that. Hiding what? Cavities? Anne, I can't sit here and–that was different. It just was. I know. I know. I'm honestly not sure. That's true. Yes, I do appreciate it. Of course. I'm very sorry about that. I have to go, though. We will. Yes. As soon as I get home. In four hours, I promise. I will. Yes, absolutely. Okay, I'll skip the gym. In three hours.

Doug Bauer is a syndicated columnist whose advice column, Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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