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Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work

Dear Doug Bauer,

My friend is going all-out for her upcoming wedding–400 guests, tons of flowers, the works. As her maid of honor, I'm spending every minute of my free time driving her from one store to another. I'm honored she wants me at her side on her big day, but does that mean I need to be her personal chauffeur for the three months leading up to it?

—Worn Out In Wilmington

Dear Worn Out,

Doug Bauer, purchasing. Hi, Anne. I really can't talk right this–what's wrong? Well, no, not exactly. Honey, I really can't talk right now. I'm right in the middle of something. No, I didn't forget. I just didn't have time. Yes, I know. Yes. Honey, I really can't–I know. I know. Hold on. I know. Honey, hold on a sec. What do you need, Ben? The Datech order? I'm just finishing it up. Five minutes, I'll bring it down. Anne? I'm sorry. Ben. Ben Upchurch. Yes, the one with the BMW. I'm sorry, sweetie, but I have to go now, okay? I know, but I didn't mean to. I didn't–I'll do it as soon as I get home, I promise. I'm writing it down right now–deck... furniture. I will. No, I won't forget. Because I said I wouldn't. That really isn't necessary, is it? Why? All right, fine: I promise I'll do it as soon as I get home. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Yes, dear.

Dear Doug Bauer,

Now that I've moved to a small apartment in a retirement center, the last thing I need is clutter. Next month, I'm having my 70th birthday party, which leads to my problem. At previous parties, I've asked that no one bring a gift, but many just dismissed my request as modesty. How do I make it clear I'm serious about my guests showing up empty-handed?

—Cramped In Cranston

Dear Cramped,

Doug Bauer, purchasing. Anne, I can't talk. Yes, I'm aware what day it is. Of course I did. The what? Aw, Christ. Do we have to? It's just that it's been a hell of a day here. Can't we just skip it? Of course I care about your sister. Of course. Yes, of course. I just don't think I... Do you have to bring that up? You said you forgave me for that. I know. I know. Honey, this has nothing to do with that. I know. An ice-cream cake? Where am I supposed to get an ice-cream cake? Honey, I have a call on the other line. What's Bambi's? Bambi's Bakery? Where is it? Fine, I'll look it up. Sweetie, I really have to get that call. Chocolate? I'll do my best. Marbled? Okay. I've got to go. I understand. Of course I love you. Because I'm very busy, that's why. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes, I love you. Of course I meant it. No, of course not. If I sound busy, it's because I am. Why? Okay, I love you, Anne.

Dear Doug Bauer,

My boyfriend has the worst taste in clothing. Not only that, he only has about three shirts he actually wears, and they're all worn out and faded. Now he's in line for a possible promotion at work, and I think it's time to whip his wardrobe into shape. I don't expect him to become a fashion plate, but I do think having a neat and professional appearance counts in the eyes of an employer. Don't you agree?

—Exasperated In El Paso

Dear Exasperated,

Doug Bauer, purchasing. Honey, I can't even understand you. Slow down. A phone call? No. No, I wasn't. Can we talk about this when I get home? I really don't have time right now. Honey, I need to get... Honey, please... Honey, I... Hon–what do you mean? Who? Sarah who? If you don't, how should I? This really isn't a good time for this sort of thing. Because I'm sitting at my desk. I'm in my cubicle and everyone is–I know. It's just that there are a lot of people hovering around nearby, and I'd really rather not–I know. Can't we just talk about this when I get home? When I get home, I promise I'll... I swear, I don't know anyone named Sarah. No. What? Why didn't you say she was calling from Dr. Silver's office? I thought you knew that. Hiding what? Cavities? Anne, I can't sit here and–that was different. It just was. I know. I know. I'm honestly not sure. That's true. Yes, I do appreciate it. Of course. I'm very sorry about that. I have to go, though. We will. Yes. As soon as I get home. In four hours, I promise. I will. Yes, absolutely. Okay, I'll skip the gym. In three hours.

Doug Bauer is a syndicated columnist whose advice column, Ask A Man Getting Yelled At By His Wife Over The Phone At Work, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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