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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Ask A Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason

Dear Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason,

I just got hired at a new job and I want to show I'm a team player. The only problem is my good friend from high school has a wedding coming up, and I'm worried that if I take time off this early on, people will doubt my commitment. I love my friend, but I also want to make a good first impression. Please help!

—Committed in Connecticut

Dear Committed,

Guys, I don't know why the screen's completely blue like that. Usually it just switches over at eight, but it's not switching. No, no, I put in the order at 7:45, but it shouldn't matter when you put it in. Man, it's gonna start soon. Jake, what's the first match? Tag-Team Turmoil with the guys from Nexus? Dammit. I'll put in the order code again and see if it works, but they better not charge me twice. It's 6-4-4-3, right? Brett, what's it say on that paper? 6-4-4-3? I bet nothing happens. Watch: 6-4-4-3, enter. See that? It's thanking me for my order, but it's still blue. I don't know what's going on; it's never done this before. Who's fighting for Nexus? Cena? Dammit. Lynette, get me the number of the cable people.

Dear Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason,

My son is a freshman in college, and we're very excited for him to come home for Thanksgiving. Now he wants to go skiing with some new friends during his break. I want to see my baby boy more than anything, but I also don't want to be overbearing. How should I handle this?

—Mom in Montana

Dear Mom in Montana,

Hey, Bill, when this happened to you that one time for Royal Rumble did they give you a free… Hello, hi, yeah, this is Chuck Halfhill, I'm at 1417 Shenandoah Road, and I just ordered Bragging Rights. Well, the problem is my buddies and I are all looking at a blue screen over here. No, all the other channels are working fine, and I pressed the yellow triangle button on the remote to do the order. Well, I didn't have a problem with SummerSlam, and last night I watched that Greek movie with that fat kid and everything worked. Look, I don't want to be rude, but could you hurry up a little? The Casket Match probably already started so—okay, sure, send a signal to my box if that'll help.

Dear Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason,

I found your response last week to Corporate in Cleveland to be helpful, but what if you live in Louisville where proprietorship laws are a little different, and in order to get business licensing agreements you have to go through the township instead of the state?

—Learning in Louisville

Dear Learning in Louisville,

Christ, now the screen's showing previews for Bragging Rights, but it won't let me order it because it says I already ordered it! I told you, it's just showing highlights of Undertaker and Kane from Night Of Champions and last year's Team SmackDown–Team Raw match. Look, everyone's here, the pizza's on the way, we've already missed the first 45 minutes. No, I don't want the 11 p.m. replay for free. We all have to work tomorrow, and we're not gonna stay up till 2 a.m. when we can just watch Raw tomorrow night and find out what happened. What's that? A problem in my region? What the hell does that mean? Look, Survivor Series is coming up in a month and if I don't get that for free I swear to God I'm canceling my service. I've spent a lot of damn money on the pizza and pop tonight so it's really the least you could do. Fine. Goodbye.

Dear Man Who Bought A Wrestling Pay-Per-View That's Not Showing Up On The Screen For Some Reason,

I have this Craigslist roommate who can't afford her rent but refuses to move out. Every time I try to kick her out, she says she's un-employed and just can't afford to move right now. I understand, but is this really my problem? She's been out of work for months, and it doesn't even seem like she's looking for a job.

—Roommate in Rhode Island

Dear Roommate,

No way, guys. When Stone Cold beat Sean Michaels for the belt at WrestleMania that was the best. Remember, Tyson was the guest referee and he completely turned on DX, and then Austin stunned McMahon on Raw the next night? Also Stone Cold–Undertaker at SummerSlam in, what, I think it was '98? Classic. No, no, you're right, Dale, you're definitely right. That Triple H–Rock ladder match was pretty unbelievable. But nothing beats Undertaker–Mankind at King Of The Ring, at the Civic Arena, right? I think it was there. Yeah, I'm pretty positive it was. You know Nick Ritenour? Works at Anchor Hawking Glass? He was there. Swear to God. He was there.

Confidential to Daisies in Delaware:

Sorry, guys. It's really never done this before. Better luck next time, I guess. Sorry, Bill. Jake, I'll see you tomorrow? Dale, drive safe and tell Amy I said good luck, okay? Night, Kip. You guys want some pizza to take home with you? Eric? Tim? Pizza? It's free. There's no way we can eat all of this. All right, then. Have a good night, guys. Sorry again. I'm real sorry.

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