adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

I'm single mother of two in my mid-30s. I'm busy working and raising two teenagers, but I still make time for what I consider very important: family activities. Lately, however, my son and daughter seem to prefer going off by themselves to spending time together. Worse, when I insist on quality time, they resent it... and me. How do I cope with this "generation gap"? I thought you'd understand, because you are jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller's pussy.

—Fed-Up in Frisco

Dear Fed-Up in Frisco,

Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph... MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm.... Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God... MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant...) (gurgle!) MMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

My husband "Hugh" and I have been active participants in our church for decades, and have traditionally been very involved with our community of fellow congregants. But Hugh doesn't see eye-to-eye with our new pastor, who has initiated many new policies for the church. Hugh feels we should consider finding a new church with a more traditional approach to Sunday worship. I feel he is overreacting. Who's right? I know you can help me figure out what to do, as you are currently jowl-deep in the genitals of stand-up comedy legend Phyllis Diller.

—Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Conflicted in Connecticut,

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-ggrrrgggrrrgggle-ggrrrggg-mmmmmmph. MMMPH MMMPH MMMPH! Schlurp schlurp schlurrrrrgle schlurp MMMMPH! ACK! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

AAAAAA!!! GRRUUUUUUUUMMPH! Mm... nnnn... ooorrrrmmmm-hrrrrrrmph-ooooorrph.... (gag) GLURP! Glurrrrrrr-GLURP: glag glag glag glag (gasp) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!! MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

This may seem trivial to a man who's busy orally satisfying Phyllis Diller, but it's become a real problem here in our household: My husband always demands to be in control of the TV remote! I don't usually mind if he wants to pick the shows himself, but why can't I have a chance every once in a while? What is with him? I'm a patient woman, but my tolerance for his remote-hogging behavior is going down—and I don't mean on Phyllis Diller!

—Anonymous in Anaheim

Dear Anonymous in Anaheim,

GURGLE! GULP! GASP! Mmmmmm-gloooof-flurggggle-flurh-MMMPH!) MMMMMMMMM mmmmmmmmph! MMMMMPH! Gmmmmmph! MMPH! MMMMMPH! Oooooooooooooooof! OOOOOOOOOOF! MMMMMMMMMPH! Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. (pant, pant) MMMMMMPH! Mmmmmm... mmmmmNNNRRRGGH! MMM-nnnrrmmmmllllurglr lurgle lurlgle lurg MMMMPPH! (gasp!) MMMNNNMM!!! NNNMMMNNN!! MMMMMPPPPPH... (desperately tries to breath through nose).

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPH!

A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy has been a syndicated advice columnist since 1979. His column appears in over 250 papers nationwide.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close