Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Satisfaction

Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

I'm single mother of two in my mid-30s. I'm busy working and raising two teenagers, but I still make time for what I consider very important: family activities. Lately, however, my son and daughter seem to prefer going off by themselves to spending time together. Worse, when I insist on quality time, they resent it... and me. How do I cope with this "generation gap"? I thought you'd understand, because you are jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller's pussy.

—Fed-Up in Frisco

Dear Fed-Up in Frisco,

Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph... MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm.... Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God... MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant...) (gurgle!) MMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

My husband "Hugh" and I have been active participants in our church for decades, and have traditionally been very involved with our community of fellow congregants. But Hugh doesn't see eye-to-eye with our new pastor, who has initiated many new policies for the church. Hugh feels we should consider finding a new church with a more traditional approach to Sunday worship. I feel he is overreacting. Who's right? I know you can help me figure out what to do, as you are currently jowl-deep in the genitals of stand-up comedy legend Phyllis Diller.

—Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Conflicted in Connecticut,

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-ggrrrgggrrrgggle-ggrrrggg-mmmmmmph. MMMPH MMMPH MMMPH! Schlurp schlurp schlurrrrrgle schlurp MMMMPH! ACK! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

AAAAAA!!! GRRUUUUUUUUMMPH! Mm... nnnn... ooorrrrmmmm-hrrrrrrmph-ooooorrph.... (gag) GLURP! Glurrrrrrr-GLURP: glag glag glag glag (gasp) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!! MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

This may seem trivial to a man who's busy orally satisfying Phyllis Diller, but it's become a real problem here in our household: My husband always demands to be in control of the TV remote! I don't usually mind if he wants to pick the shows himself, but why can't I have a chance every once in a while? What is with him? I'm a patient woman, but my tolerance for his remote-hogging behavior is going down—and I don't mean on Phyllis Diller!

—Anonymous in Anaheim

Dear Anonymous in Anaheim,

GURGLE! GULP! GASP! Mmmmmm-gloooof-flurggggle-flurh-MMMPH!) MMMMMMMMM mmmmmmmmph! MMMMMPH! Gmmmmmph! MMPH! MMMMMPH! Oooooooooooooooof! OOOOOOOOOOF! MMMMMMMMMPH! Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. (pant, pant) MMMMMMPH! Mmmmmm... mmmmmNNNRRRGGH! MMM-nnnrrmmmmllllurglr lurgle lurlgle lurg MMMMPPH! (gasp!) MMMNNNMM!!! NNNMMMNNN!! MMMMMPPPPPH... (desperately tries to breath through nose).

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPH!

A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy has been a syndicated advice columnist since 1979. His column appears in over 250 papers nationwide.