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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

I'm single mother of two in my mid-30s. I'm busy working and raising two teenagers, but I still make time for what I consider very important: family activities. Lately, however, my son and daughter seem to prefer going off by themselves to spending time together. Worse, when I insist on quality time, they resent it... and me. How do I cope with this "generation gap"? I thought you'd understand, because you are jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller's pussy.

—Fed-Up in Frisco

Dear Fed-Up in Frisco,

Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph... MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm.... Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God... MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant...) (gurgle!) MMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

My husband "Hugh" and I have been active participants in our church for decades, and have traditionally been very involved with our community of fellow congregants. But Hugh doesn't see eye-to-eye with our new pastor, who has initiated many new policies for the church. Hugh feels we should consider finding a new church with a more traditional approach to Sunday worship. I feel he is overreacting. Who's right? I know you can help me figure out what to do, as you are currently jowl-deep in the genitals of stand-up comedy legend Phyllis Diller.

—Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Conflicted in Connecticut,

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-ggrrrgggrrrgggle-ggrrrggg-mmmmmmph. MMMPH MMMPH MMMPH! Schlurp schlurp schlurrrrrgle schlurp MMMMPH! ACK! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

AAAAAA!!! GRRUUUUUUUUMMPH! Mm... nnnn... ooorrrrmmmm-hrrrrrrmph-ooooorrph.... (gag) GLURP! Glurrrrrrr-GLURP: glag glag glag glag (gasp) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!! MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,

This may seem trivial to a man who's busy orally satisfying Phyllis Diller, but it's become a real problem here in our household: My husband always demands to be in control of the TV remote! I don't usually mind if he wants to pick the shows himself, but why can't I have a chance every once in a while? What is with him? I'm a patient woman, but my tolerance for his remote-hogging behavior is going down—and I don't mean on Phyllis Diller!

—Anonymous in Anaheim

Dear Anonymous in Anaheim,

GURGLE! GULP! GASP! Mmmmmm-gloooof-flurggggle-flurh-MMMPH!) MMMMMMMMM mmmmmmmmph! MMMMMPH! Gmmmmmph! MMPH! MMMMMPH! Oooooooooooooooof! OOOOOOOOOOF! MMMMMMMMMPH! Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. (pant, pant) MMMMMMPH! Mmmmmm... mmmmmNNNRRRGGH! MMM-nnnrrmmmmllllurglr lurgle lurlgle lurg MMMMPPH! (gasp!) MMMNNNMM!!! NNNMMMNNN!! MMMMMPPPPPH... (desperately tries to breath through nose).

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPH!

A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy has been a syndicated advice columnist since 1979. His column appears in over 250 papers nationwide.

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