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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,

My next-door neighbor has something of an in-house menagerie. Between his three dogs and several tropical birds, things can get pretty noisy. I very much believe in "live and let live," but sometimes late at night and early in the morning, the squawking and barking can just get to be too much. What is a firm but neighborly way to let him know that his pets are causing me distress?

—Going Wild In Washington

Dear Going Wild,

Look, what is problem? You meet me, you meet Sergei, we are all friends now. Wait, hang on…please! Another drink for my new friend! Anyway, like I say, is one hour maximum drive only. I take you in my car, no problem. Is BMW five-series. We take pills on way, you feel very, very good when we arrive. Like on fire, but nice. You know? Vanya is also my friend, he is very good DJ. He is spinning best house music and we will dance all night. Best music, best pills, best girls, best champagne, everything the best. We go now, okay?

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,

A very good friend of mine recently lost his job and is now struggling to make his mortgage payments. I'm by no means wealthy, but I'm certainly comfortable enough to lend my friend the money he needs until he gets back on his feet. The problem is, he's very proud of his self-sufficiency. How can I offer him a loan without hurting his feelings and jeopardizing our friendship?

—Just Trying To Help

Dear Just Trying,

Over there—is your girlfriend? Very pretty. She will come too. We will all feel very nice and dance. The pills, they will not cost you nothing. Is my brother's place, everything for free. Is heated pool, is bar in basement, is, ahh…is home theater, is craziest sound system—everything you want. But we go now. Is late and I tell Yuri—Yuri, he is my brother—I tell Yuri I am coming there half hour ago. Get girlfriend now. We go.

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,

My wife and I like to have cookouts every couple of months during which we have friends and family members over for steaks. However, every time my brother-in-law attends, he dominates the grill, insisting that he alone knows how to properly cook the meat. What is the best way to let him know that I think he's being obnoxious without causing too much friction between myself and my wife's family?

—Gearing Up To Grill

Dear Gearing Up,

You know what is your problem? Is too much thinking. You will never do nothing you're whole life, just think. What is to think about? Take pill, dance. Simple. You think you know everything, but you don't know nothing. I have Breitling watch like this because I am thinking all day? No. Because I am doing. You would not believe me if I tell you things I have seen.† Crazy, crazy things. But maybe, you think, you are better than me. Are you thinking you are better than me, my friend? That would not be—hold on, is my mobile. Da? Nyet…nyet…nyet…da…nyet…nyet…da, dosvedanya. Is Yuri. You see, my friend? You are making us late. Sergei, you go now. I stay for little while longer and talk to new friend.

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,

I've never considered myself a very religious person, but I certainly don't begrudge others their beliefs. My sister, however, married a very devout man and has taken up his faith; she now seems determined to also convert myself and my two daughters. How can I let her know that her proselytizing is unwelcome without my kids losing their aunt?

—Preaching To The Choir

Dear Preaching,

You know, If you were not such my good friend, maybe I am getting angry now.

Dear Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party,

With tax season fast approaching, I am for the first time thinking about hiring an accountant. I have traditionally prepared my own taxes, but after seeing in the past year a significant increase in my personal income due to switching from a salaried to freelance position, do you think it is worth the money to hire a professional?

—Taxed In Tucson

Dear Taxed,

You do not understand me, my friend! Please, do not go! Sit! Sit! Here, let me buy you drink. Relax, and we talk. Look, I only want for you to have good time, so why you resist? You hurt my feelings…here, drink. Good! Here is mine, too. Yes, very good. Now, why not you come for little while, and if you don't like, you just leave, no problem? I take you back myself. Please, go talk to girlfriend. I wait for you here.

Confidential To Fed Up In Phoenix,

Ah, yes! Now you see! You will not regret, my friend. It will be night of your life, is my promise. Whoa! You almost fall over, my friend! Ha, ha, ha! Is no problem. We get you pills, you be okay. We go now.

Pyotr Lempitskaia is a syndicated columnist whose weekly column, "Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party," appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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