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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

I recently married for the second time. I love my husband very much, and living with him is bliss, except for one thing: His fully grown children from his first marriage are still living in the house! How can I make my husband see that it's time for them to move on?

—Frustrated in Freemont

Dear Frustrated,

Many have spoken on the evils of strong drink, and there is much truth in what they say. Those who turn to wine as an answer to their problems will find that they have only Satan's ear. Many a man has let wine turn him into a beast. But is not wine a part of our communion sacrament? Is it not made from the fruit of the vine, fruit that Our Heavenly Father has given us in His infinite wisdom? And if it does turn some men to beasts, well, did not God himself create the beasts as well? Who are we to say that He does not love them, too? For the love of God passeth all understanding. Amen.

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

I've known my best friend all my life. We grew up together and married two wonderful men in a gorgeous double ceremony. Recently, though, I discovered that her husband is cheating on her! How do I somehow break the news to her without threatening our lifelong friendship?

—Stumped in Sioux Falls

Dear Perplexed,

Who among us has not felt temptation? When we say the Lord's Prayer, we are asking God to help us resist temptation. Certainly to give in to that which tempts us is to shun all that is holy. But as God's servants, we must not be ignorant of that which tempts us, lest we begin to think ourselves above others and fall prey to the mortal sin of pride. Is not it written in the Bible, "Know thine enemy?" Should a man not, in the spirit of holy knowledge, be well familiar with each temptation he encounters, so that he may be better equipped to overcome it? The Bible tells us that the pleasures of the flesh are as nothing compared to those we find in Jesus. We owe it to Our Lord Christ to prove that we believe His words by knowing temptation for ourselves, lest we be mastered by it.

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

We recently moved across the country so I could take a better job. Problem is, my son has had trouble adjusting to his new school. He's already started running with the wrong crowd, and I'm afraid he may get mixed up in gangs. How do I speak to him?

—Concerned in Concord

Dear Concerned,

The Bible tells us that Man fell from grace when he ate of the forbidden fruit and saw that he was naked. Some say this means Man is born into sin, and he cannot escape it, even though he may lead a virtuous life and do good works. But might it not also mean that, were God to see us unclothed, and not hiding ourselves in shame like sinful Adam and Eve, would not He then know us to be pure and innocent, and without stain? God is perfect love, and He loves us most when we are in our purest form, naked as the day we are born. Show me your great works without shame, and in doing so, you will be celebrating the Lord.

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

My brother-in-law was laid off last year and has had a hard time finding work since. But the reason he hasn't found any work is that he hasn't looked. My wife insists that it's our duty to help her brother through this difficult time, but I say he's got to help himself first! Is there any way out of this situation?

—Put Upon in Paducah

Dear Dear Put Upon,

Many of the evils that beset society can be traced back to the way we treat our children. Sadly, though, in today's world, even if a child is lucky enough to have two parents, both parents often have to work all day in order to make ends meet, leaving the child uncared for. Our sweet young boys and girls need fatherly, manly attention in order to thrive and come into their full maturity as men and women. As our Lord Jesus Christ once said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me." Children in need of guidance can blossom under the careful tending and delicate attentions of a man of the cloth. Let them put their young hands in mine, and I shall do my best to make men and women out of them and show them the joy and ecstasy of God's kingdom.

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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