Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

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Vol 31 Issue 14

Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

SALT LAKE CITY—Spurred on by an automotive decal, or "bumper sticker," an area woman's love for Jesus Christ was manifested in honk form Monday. "I do love Jesus," explained Millicent Walters. "Therefore, at the behest of the sticker, I honked." Witnesses described the sticker as one which urged Jesus-loving motorists to sound their automobile horns. The specific purpose of the honking was not clear.

Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to jointly pursue beach safety by day and paranormal investigation by night. "The world faces countless dangers, from strong tides to para-dimensional soul catchers," Buchannon said. "It is up to all of us to make a difference in whatever way we can. My way is to work as both a lifeguard and a paranormal investigator." Buchannon says that he draws inspiration from his mother, a longtime legal secretary who recently began investigating UFO-conspiracy government cover-ups in the evenings.

'Everything's $10,000' Chain Goes Out Of Business

WHEELING, WV—Citing "phenomenally poor sales," the retail chain Everything's $10,000 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. "When we started, we were all really excited about the concept," the chain's CEO, Carl Rasmussen, said. "You could walk in the store, plunk down 10 grand and walk out with anything you saw on the shelves. We carried everything from pillowcases to staplers to toy rifles for the kids. Unfortunately, the public just never seemed to respond." When pressed for the reasons for the chain's failure, Rasmussen was unsure: "It's hard to say. Perhaps we didn't do a good enough job marketing ourselves." Rasmussen said he would eventually like to open a "more upscale shop, perhaps in the five to seven million dollar range," to fill the space housing Everything's $10,000, located in the Wheeling Plaza strip mall between Pat's Laundromat and Arby's.

CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America's inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates announced Monday that the agency will phase out covert paramilitary operations to focus exclusively on the production a new line of greeting cards. "Around the time we neutralized Vince Foster, we began to have doubts about whether this is what we really want to do," Gates said. "After last month's top-secret burial of toxic waste in Honduras, I just thought, 'You know what? There's a lot more to life than this.' That 'more,' for us, is the spreading of happy wishes to people on days that are special to them." The CIA's first card is expected to feature a cute bunny with birthday wishes for a special boy who is three today.

Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?

Oh, I So Nervous!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not one, maybe two hours ago! Where in the name of the Apostles could they be?

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

I recently married for the second time. I love my husband very much, and living with him is bliss, except for one thing: His fully grown children from his first marriage are still living in the house! How can I make my husband see that it's time for them to move on?

—Frustrated in Freemont

Dear Frustrated,

Many have spoken on the evils of strong drink, and there is much truth in what they say. Those who turn to wine as an answer to their problems will find that they have only Satan's ear. Many a man has let wine turn him into a beast. But is not wine a part of our communion sacrament? Is it not made from the fruit of the vine, fruit that Our Heavenly Father has given us in His infinite wisdom? And if it does turn some men to beasts, well, did not God himself create the beasts as well? Who are we to say that He does not love them, too? For the love of God passeth all understanding. Amen.

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

I've known my best friend all my life. We grew up together and married two wonderful men in a gorgeous double ceremony. Recently, though, I discovered that her husband is cheating on her! How do I somehow break the news to her without threatening our lifelong friendship?

—Stumped in Sioux Falls

Dear Perplexed,

Who among us has not felt temptation? When we say the Lord's Prayer, we are asking God to help us resist temptation. Certainly to give in to that which tempts us is to shun all that is holy. But as God's servants, we must not be ignorant of that which tempts us, lest we begin to think ourselves above others and fall prey to the mortal sin of pride. Is not it written in the Bible, "Know thine enemy?" Should a man not, in the spirit of holy knowledge, be well familiar with each temptation he encounters, so that he may be better equipped to overcome it? The Bible tells us that the pleasures of the flesh are as nothing compared to those we find in Jesus. We owe it to Our Lord Christ to prove that we believe His words by knowing temptation for ourselves, lest we be mastered by it.

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

We recently moved across the country so I could take a better job. Problem is, my son has had trouble adjusting to his new school. He's already started running with the wrong crowd, and I'm afraid he may get mixed up in gangs. How do I speak to him?

—Concerned in Concord

Dear Concerned,

The Bible tells us that Man fell from grace when he ate of the forbidden fruit and saw that he was naked. Some say this means Man is born into sin, and he cannot escape it, even though he may lead a virtuous life and do good works. But might it not also mean that, were God to see us unclothed, and not hiding ourselves in shame like sinful Adam and Eve, would not He then know us to be pure and innocent, and without stain? God is perfect love, and He loves us most when we are in our purest form, naked as the day we are born. Show me your great works without shame, and in doing so, you will be celebrating the Lord.

Dear Father Paul Byrne,

My brother-in-law was laid off last year and has had a hard time finding work since. But the reason he hasn't found any work is that he hasn't looked. My wife insists that it's our duty to help her brother through this difficult time, but I say he's got to help himself first! Is there any way out of this situation?

—Put Upon in Paducah

Dear Dear Put Upon,

Many of the evils that beset society can be traced back to the way we treat our children. Sadly, though, in today's world, even if a child is lucky enough to have two parents, both parents often have to work all day in order to make ends meet, leaving the child uncared for. Our sweet young boys and girls need fatherly, manly attention in order to thrive and come into their full maturity as men and women. As our Lord Jesus Christ once said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me." Children in need of guidance can blossom under the careful tending and delicate attentions of a man of the cloth. Let them put their young hands in mine, and I shall do my best to make men and women out of them and show them the joy and ecstasy of God's kingdom.

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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