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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Our 10-year-old son Jonathan has been begging us for a puppy for the past four months. I'm not sure he's responsible enough, but my husband says a pet might be just the thing to teach him a few tricks. What do you think?

—Doggone Unsure In Delavan

Dear Delavan,

It took him 24 years to forget the woman he left behind. Now he's got 24 hours to find her. In a world gone mad, sometimes madness is the only way to survive. When Heaven Falls. Starts June 26 at theaters everywhere.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Now, I'm not ordinarily the superficial type, but my best friend Janet still wears the exact same hairstyle she did when we first met more than 20 years ago. Should I drop Janet a hint to update the 'do, or should I stay out of her hair?

—Wondering In Walla Walla

Dear Wondering,

The spaceship Gemini is on its way back from a 40-year mission to study alien life. But what its crew doesn't know is that something's been studying them. On June 19, five astronauts are on a collision course... with terror. Samuel L. Jackson, Ashley Judd and Stephen Dorff star in The Specimen. Because what you don't know... can kill you.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

A few years ago, during a rough time, I borrowed some money from my sister. While I've long since paid it back in full, she still constantly reminds me of the favor. How can I get her to finally take me off the books?

—Indebted In Indianapolis

Dear Indianapolis,

They say they come once every seven years. This year, they're coming early. Locust. The plague starts July 3. You can't stay inside forever.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

I have a feeling the man who recently moved into the apartment upstairs is interested in me, and, if so, I'd like to let him know I have a long-distance beau. But if he's just being friendly, I could be scaring away a potential pal. How do I discretely find out his intentions?

—Spoken For In Spokane

Dear Spokane,

A gorgeous woman with an appetite for love. A respected businessman with a deadly secret. A drifter with nothing to lose. One of them has been playing dangerous games. And when you play with fire, there's only one thing that can happen: You get burned. Immoral Deception. The games begin June 19.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

My son hates to play outside. When I restrict his television time, he just runs up to his room and plays video games all day. I've tried to take him to the park and buy him sports equipment. In fact, I've done everything short of forcing him out the front door! What else can I do?

—Fretting In Fresno

Dear Fretting,

In a world where the only law is lawlessness, one man stands atop the ruins of the Murder Wars. Now, to save the future of the human race, Jack Manworth must lead his tattered band of survivors through the radioactive ruins of Pain Canyon to a new Eden... or to death. Falloutwalker. Burning into theaters this August.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Whenever my mother-in-law babysits the kids, the "house rules" go right out the window. I wouldn't mind if it happened once in a blue moon, but she plays sitter quite often. How do I get Grandma to toughen up? Sign me...

—Exasperated In Escondido

Dear Exasperated,

They took his land. They took his name. But when they tried to take his family, he took a stand. On July 10, get ready for 18 wheels of explosive action. Kurt Russell is... Trucker. Soundtrack featuring new songs by Foo Fighters, Aerosmith, Third Eye Blind and Jamiroquai.

Richard Mylenski is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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