adBlockCheck

Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Our 10-year-old son Jonathan has been begging us for a puppy for the past four months. I'm not sure he's responsible enough, but my husband says a pet might be just the thing to teach him a few tricks. What do you think?

—Doggone Unsure In Delavan

Dear Delavan,

It took him 24 years to forget the woman he left behind. Now he's got 24 hours to find her. In a world gone mad, sometimes madness is the only way to survive. When Heaven Falls. Starts June 26 at theaters everywhere.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Now, I'm not ordinarily the superficial type, but my best friend Janet still wears the exact same hairstyle she did when we first met more than 20 years ago. Should I drop Janet a hint to update the 'do, or should I stay out of her hair?

—Wondering In Walla Walla

Dear Wondering,

The spaceship Gemini is on its way back from a 40-year mission to study alien life. But what its crew doesn't know is that something's been studying them. On June 19, five astronauts are on a collision course... with terror. Samuel L. Jackson, Ashley Judd and Stephen Dorff star in The Specimen. Because what you don't know... can kill you.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

A few years ago, during a rough time, I borrowed some money from my sister. While I've long since paid it back in full, she still constantly reminds me of the favor. How can I get her to finally take me off the books?

—Indebted In Indianapolis

Dear Indianapolis,

They say they come once every seven years. This year, they're coming early. Locust. The plague starts July 3. You can't stay inside forever.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

I have a feeling the man who recently moved into the apartment upstairs is interested in me, and, if so, I'd like to let him know I have a long-distance beau. But if he's just being friendly, I could be scaring away a potential pal. How do I discretely find out his intentions?

—Spoken For In Spokane

Dear Spokane,

A gorgeous woman with an appetite for love. A respected businessman with a deadly secret. A drifter with nothing to lose. One of them has been playing dangerous games. And when you play with fire, there's only one thing that can happen: You get burned. Immoral Deception. The games begin June 19.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

My son hates to play outside. When I restrict his television time, he just runs up to his room and plays video games all day. I've tried to take him to the park and buy him sports equipment. In fact, I've done everything short of forcing him out the front door! What else can I do?

—Fretting In Fresno

Dear Fretting,

In a world where the only law is lawlessness, one man stands atop the ruins of the Murder Wars. Now, to save the future of the human race, Jack Manworth must lead his tattered band of survivors through the radioactive ruins of Pain Canyon to a new Eden... or to death. Falloutwalker. Burning into theaters this August.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Whenever my mother-in-law babysits the kids, the "house rules" go right out the window. I wouldn't mind if it happened once in a blue moon, but she plays sitter quite often. How do I get Grandma to toughen up? Sign me...

—Exasperated In Escondido

Dear Exasperated,

They took his land. They took his name. But when they tried to take his family, he took a stand. On July 10, get ready for 18 wheels of explosive action. Kurt Russell is... Trucker. Soundtrack featuring new songs by Foo Fighters, Aerosmith, Third Eye Blind and Jamiroquai.

Richard Mylenski is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close