Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

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Vol 33 Issue 19

Noxious Minions Of Satan Offer Free Installation Through July

CHICAGO—In an exciting new promotion, the hideous mewling lackeys of the Dark Prince Lucifer are offering free installation of TCI cable to any household responding by July 31. "Act now and get great basic-cable channels like MTV, Nickelodeon and CNN with no installation fee," sniveled TCI customer-service representative Wyrmwort, faithful servant of the Lord Of Lies. "Plus, TCI offers you more great premium channels than ever, from HBO to Cinemax to the biggest blockbuster movies on pay-per-view." Wyrmwort then befouled his body with goat's blood and hailed The Great Deceiver.

Tractor-Pull Fans Begin To Question Whether This Is What Life Is Really About

CLAPP, TN—After attending their fourth such event in as many weeks, several rural Tennesseeans have begun to openly question whether tractor pulls and monster-truck rallies are what life is really all about. "It just seems like life could offer more," said Arlo Taylor, the group's leader. "Books, theater, even simply appreciating the trees and flowers." Said fellow tractor-pull fan Wilbur Spann: "I understand the high-school theater company is performing Steven Sondheim's Into The Woods on Friday. Perhaps that would be a refreshing and enriching change of pace from our frequent pilgrimages to see Robosaurus."

Fugitive Movie Heroine Cuts Own Hair Perfectly

SANTA MONICA, CA—A desperate flight from FBI agents resulted in a knockout new look Tuesday, as fugitive movie heroine Nicole Woodring, crouching in a stranger's backyard tool shed in the dark, cut her long hair into a flattering, salon-quality pixie cut using a pair of rusty hedge shears. "I am extremely impressed," professional hairstylist Blaine Mattson said of the new look. "She looks absolutely gorgeous." The on-the-lam Woodring, who has blonde hair in FBI photos, also managed to dye her hair a stunning chestnut brown using a gallon of Thompson's Deck & Patio Stain found in the shed.

Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

NOVI, MI—Bally Total Fitness patron Fred Mahorn, 42, took a post-shower stroll through the health club's locker room Monday, casually socializing with fellow members for approximately 15 minutes in a state of total undress. "Hey, nice to see you," Mahorn said to numerous men he happened to pass in the locker room, his flaccid penis and talcum-powdered scrotum in plain view. Most patrons either nodded or pretended they thought he was addressing someone else. The naked Mahorn went on to sit in the most visible spot in the locker room and apply anti-fungal cream to his feet before eventually putting on a towel.

India Opens New Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear-Testing Facility

PORBANDAR, INDIA—Ushering in a new era of nuclear strength in the global theater, India dedicated the $1.6 billion Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear Testing Facility at the site of the famed Indian's birthplace Monday. "Gandhi surely would have been proud," said facility director Rajiv Pindar, setting off a ceremonial 25-megaton blast in honor of Gandhi. Visitors to the facility will be welcomed by an enormous bronze statue of Gandhi, who holds aloft an atom in one hand and a missile in the other.

Prize-Fighting In My Day

Do not even begin to describe to me the recent pugilistic matches, because I wish not to hear of them. The fist-fighters of to-day are like babies wheeled about in their perambulators. The great fighters of my youth—Sullivan, Corbett, Kilrain, Kid Ithaca—fought without boxing-gloves and hurled blows that would slay an ox. As an intrepid boy-scribe for the old Mercantile-Onion, I covered my first heavy-weight fisticuff demonstration in 1885, and it remains the most exciting fight I have ever witnessed. The contenders were Alfred "The Strong-Man" Talmadge and Patrick "The Gentle-man Who Hits Other Gentle-men" Reid, two leviathans who drank pain and dined on agony for break-fast. They were vying for a purse of $50 in gold and a fine Guernsey milking-cow.
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Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Our 10-year-old son Jonathan has been begging us for a puppy for the past four months. I'm not sure he's responsible enough, but my husband says a pet might be just the thing to teach him a few tricks. What do you think?

—Doggone Unsure In Delavan

Dear Delavan,

It took him 24 years to forget the woman he left behind. Now he's got 24 hours to find her. In a world gone mad, sometimes madness is the only way to survive. When Heaven Falls. Starts June 26 at theaters everywhere.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Now, I'm not ordinarily the superficial type, but my best friend Janet still wears the exact same hairstyle she did when we first met more than 20 years ago. Should I drop Janet a hint to update the 'do, or should I stay out of her hair?

—Wondering In Walla Walla

Dear Wondering,

The spaceship Gemini is on its way back from a 40-year mission to study alien life. But what its crew doesn't know is that something's been studying them. On June 19, five astronauts are on a collision course... with terror. Samuel L. Jackson, Ashley Judd and Stephen Dorff star in The Specimen. Because what you don't know... can kill you.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

A few years ago, during a rough time, I borrowed some money from my sister. While I've long since paid it back in full, she still constantly reminds me of the favor. How can I get her to finally take me off the books?

—Indebted In Indianapolis

Dear Indianapolis,

They say they come once every seven years. This year, they're coming early. Locust. The plague starts July 3. You can't stay inside forever.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

I have a feeling the man who recently moved into the apartment upstairs is interested in me, and, if so, I'd like to let him know I have a long-distance beau. But if he's just being friendly, I could be scaring away a potential pal. How do I discretely find out his intentions?

—Spoken For In Spokane

Dear Spokane,

A gorgeous woman with an appetite for love. A respected businessman with a deadly secret. A drifter with nothing to lose. One of them has been playing dangerous games. And when you play with fire, there's only one thing that can happen: You get burned. Immoral Deception. The games begin June 19.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

My son hates to play outside. When I restrict his television time, he just runs up to his room and plays video games all day. I've tried to take him to the park and buy him sports equipment. In fact, I've done everything short of forcing him out the front door! What else can I do?

—Fretting In Fresno

Dear Fretting,

In a world where the only law is lawlessness, one man stands atop the ruins of the Murder Wars. Now, to save the future of the human race, Jack Manworth must lead his tattered band of survivors through the radioactive ruins of Pain Canyon to a new Eden... or to death. Falloutwalker. Burning into theaters this August.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Whenever my mother-in-law babysits the kids, the "house rules" go right out the window. I wouldn't mind if it happened once in a blue moon, but she plays sitter quite often. How do I get Grandma to toughen up? Sign me...

—Exasperated In Escondido

Dear Exasperated,

They took his land. They took his name. But when they tried to take his family, he took a stand. On July 10, get ready for 18 wheels of explosive action. Kurt Russell is... Trucker. Soundtrack featuring new songs by Foo Fighters, Aerosmith, Third Eye Blind and Jamiroquai.

Richard Mylenski is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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