Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Our 10-year-old son Jonathan has been begging us for a puppy for the past four months. I'm not sure he's responsible enough, but my husband says a pet might be just the thing to teach him a few tricks. What do you think?

—Doggone Unsure In Delavan

Dear Delavan,

It took him 24 years to forget the woman he left behind. Now he's got 24 hours to find her. In a world gone mad, sometimes madness is the only way to survive. When Heaven Falls. Starts June 26 at theaters everywhere.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Now, I'm not ordinarily the superficial type, but my best friend Janet still wears the exact same hairstyle she did when we first met more than 20 years ago. Should I drop Janet a hint to update the 'do, or should I stay out of her hair?

—Wondering In Walla Walla

Dear Wondering,

The spaceship Gemini is on its way back from a 40-year mission to study alien life. But what its crew doesn't know is that something's been studying them. On June 19, five astronauts are on a collision course... with terror. Samuel L. Jackson, Ashley Judd and Stephen Dorff star in The Specimen. Because what you don't know... can kill you.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

A few years ago, during a rough time, I borrowed some money from my sister. While I've long since paid it back in full, she still constantly reminds me of the favor. How can I get her to finally take me off the books?

—Indebted In Indianapolis

Dear Indianapolis,

They say they come once every seven years. This year, they're coming early. Locust. The plague starts July 3. You can't stay inside forever.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

I have a feeling the man who recently moved into the apartment upstairs is interested in me, and, if so, I'd like to let him know I have a long-distance beau. But if he's just being friendly, I could be scaring away a potential pal. How do I discretely find out his intentions?

—Spoken For In Spokane

Dear Spokane,

A gorgeous woman with an appetite for love. A respected businessman with a deadly secret. A drifter with nothing to lose. One of them has been playing dangerous games. And when you play with fire, there's only one thing that can happen: You get burned. Immoral Deception. The games begin June 19.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

My son hates to play outside. When I restrict his television time, he just runs up to his room and plays video games all day. I've tried to take him to the park and buy him sports equipment. In fact, I've done everything short of forcing him out the front door! What else can I do?

—Fretting In Fresno

Dear Fretting,

In a world where the only law is lawlessness, one man stands atop the ruins of the Murder Wars. Now, to save the future of the human race, Jack Manworth must lead his tattered band of survivors through the radioactive ruins of Pain Canyon to a new Eden... or to death. Falloutwalker. Burning into theaters this August.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Whenever my mother-in-law babysits the kids, the "house rules" go right out the window. I wouldn't mind if it happened once in a blue moon, but she plays sitter quite often. How do I get Grandma to toughen up? Sign me...

—Exasperated In Escondido

Dear Exasperated,

They took his land. They took his name. But when they tried to take his family, he took a stand. On July 10, get ready for 18 wheels of explosive action. Kurt Russell is... Trucker. Soundtrack featuring new songs by Foo Fighters, Aerosmith, Third Eye Blind and Jamiroquai.

Richard Mylenski is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.