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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Our 10-year-old son Jonathan has been begging us for a puppy for the past four months. I'm not sure he's responsible enough, but my husband says a pet might be just the thing to teach him a few tricks. What do you think?

—Doggone Unsure In Delavan

Dear Delavan,

It took him 24 years to forget the woman he left behind. Now he's got 24 hours to find her. In a world gone mad, sometimes madness is the only way to survive. When Heaven Falls. Starts June 26 at theaters everywhere.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Now, I'm not ordinarily the superficial type, but my best friend Janet still wears the exact same hairstyle she did when we first met more than 20 years ago. Should I drop Janet a hint to update the 'do, or should I stay out of her hair?

—Wondering In Walla Walla

Dear Wondering,

The spaceship Gemini is on its way back from a 40-year mission to study alien life. But what its crew doesn't know is that something's been studying them. On June 19, five astronauts are on a collision course... with terror. Samuel L. Jackson, Ashley Judd and Stephen Dorff star in The Specimen. Because what you don't know... can kill you.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

A few years ago, during a rough time, I borrowed some money from my sister. While I've long since paid it back in full, she still constantly reminds me of the favor. How can I get her to finally take me off the books?

—Indebted In Indianapolis

Dear Indianapolis,

They say they come once every seven years. This year, they're coming early. Locust. The plague starts July 3. You can't stay inside forever.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

I have a feeling the man who recently moved into the apartment upstairs is interested in me, and, if so, I'd like to let him know I have a long-distance beau. But if he's just being friendly, I could be scaring away a potential pal. How do I discretely find out his intentions?

—Spoken For In Spokane

Dear Spokane,

A gorgeous woman with an appetite for love. A respected businessman with a deadly secret. A drifter with nothing to lose. One of them has been playing dangerous games. And when you play with fire, there's only one thing that can happen: You get burned. Immoral Deception. The games begin June 19.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

My son hates to play outside. When I restrict his television time, he just runs up to his room and plays video games all day. I've tried to take him to the park and buy him sports equipment. In fact, I've done everything short of forcing him out the front door! What else can I do?

—Fretting In Fresno

Dear Fretting,

In a world where the only law is lawlessness, one man stands atop the ruins of the Murder Wars. Now, to save the future of the human race, Jack Manworth must lead his tattered band of survivors through the radioactive ruins of Pain Canyon to a new Eden... or to death. Falloutwalker. Burning into theaters this August.

Dear Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy,

Whenever my mother-in-law babysits the kids, the "house rules" go right out the window. I wouldn't mind if it happened once in a blue moon, but she plays sitter quite often. How do I get Grandma to toughen up? Sign me...

—Exasperated In Escondido

Dear Exasperated,

They took his land. They took his name. But when they tried to take his family, he took a stand. On July 10, get ready for 18 wheels of explosive action. Kurt Russell is... Trucker. Soundtrack featuring new songs by Foo Fighters, Aerosmith, Third Eye Blind and Jamiroquai.

Richard Mylenski is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Movie-Trailer Announcer Guy, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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