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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Ask A Navy SEAL

Dear Navy SEAL,

My boyfriend, who I love very much, was laid off from his job a few weeks back. Ever since cashing his small severance check, all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment has undermined his confidence, but I’m not his mother! How do I get him out of the house and looking for work?

—Peeved in Palmyra

Dear Peeved,

Killing silently is a tall order, but a quick look at an anatomy chart will show that the larynx is an easy enough target—providing you can make a stealthy submerged approach, sneak up on your victim and catch him unaware. Once that’s accomplished, grasp his hair as close to the scalp as you’re able to and yank his head back while using your Ka-Bar combat knife to make a lateral cut across his throat. Make sure you sever both the carotid artery and jugular vein while piercing the windpipe, and press hard; the larynx is a tough, rubbery piece of tissue.

Dear Navy SEAL,

I am a happily married man with a warm and loving wife who is also one of my best friends. We’ve been together for 17 years (married for 15) and couldn’t be happier, but lately she says she wants separate beds. I’m reeling! We’re barely into our 40s, but in my mind separate sleeping is for seniors—or singles. Am I making too much of this? Is she less happy than she lets on? Help!

—Anxious in Andersonville

Dear Anxious,

Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They’re meant to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best I can tell you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.

Dear Navy SEAL,

After several catastrophically bad relationships I have found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this absolute prince. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even—God help me—following him around. How do I handle this potentially devastating situation? I don’t want to ruin the best thing I have ever had going for myself.

—Paranoid in Port Said

Dear Paranoid,

The 10mm Colt sidearm might not be an ideal long-distance weapon, and it’s certainly no sniper’s rifle, but it has the advantages of low weight and quicker target acquisition. You can reliably engage aggressors at ranges of 30 meters and more. Use a two-handed grip and brace the barrel against a tree, or use your dive tanks and rebreather as an improvised bench rest. Don’t worry about “stopping power”— one of those 10mm slugs opens up to about 70 caliber when it hits, leaving an exit wound you could toss a cat through and bringing so much energy to a target that a hit in the extremities is often enough to drop Ivan in his tracks.

Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL, and a nationally known syndicated columnist. His weekly feature, Ask a Navy SEAL, appears in 200 newspapers nationwide and his radio program on NPR is heard by over six million listeners each week. His new book, In My Sights, is available in book stores everywhere this June.

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