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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Ask A Navy SEAL

Dear Navy SEAL,

My boyfriend, who I love very much, was laid off from his job a few weeks back. Ever since cashing his small severance check, all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment has undermined his confidence, but I’m not his mother! How do I get him out of the house and looking for work?

—Peeved in Palmyra

Dear Peeved,

Killing silently is a tall order, but a quick look at an anatomy chart will show that the larynx is an easy enough target—providing you can make a stealthy submerged approach, sneak up on your victim and catch him unaware. Once that’s accomplished, grasp his hair as close to the scalp as you’re able to and yank his head back while using your Ka-Bar combat knife to make a lateral cut across his throat. Make sure you sever both the carotid artery and jugular vein while piercing the windpipe, and press hard; the larynx is a tough, rubbery piece of tissue.

Dear Navy SEAL,

I am a happily married man with a warm and loving wife who is also one of my best friends. We’ve been together for 17 years (married for 15) and couldn’t be happier, but lately she says she wants separate beds. I’m reeling! We’re barely into our 40s, but in my mind separate sleeping is for seniors—or singles. Am I making too much of this? Is she less happy than she lets on? Help!

—Anxious in Andersonville

Dear Anxious,

Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They’re meant to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best I can tell you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.

Dear Navy SEAL,

After several catastrophically bad relationships I have found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this absolute prince. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even—God help me—following him around. How do I handle this potentially devastating situation? I don’t want to ruin the best thing I have ever had going for myself.

—Paranoid in Port Said

Dear Paranoid,

The 10mm Colt sidearm might not be an ideal long-distance weapon, and it’s certainly no sniper’s rifle, but it has the advantages of low weight and quicker target acquisition. You can reliably engage aggressors at ranges of 30 meters and more. Use a two-handed grip and brace the barrel against a tree, or use your dive tanks and rebreather as an improvised bench rest. Don’t worry about “stopping power”— one of those 10mm slugs opens up to about 70 caliber when it hits, leaving an exit wound you could toss a cat through and bringing so much energy to a target that a hit in the extremities is often enough to drop Ivan in his tracks.

Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL, and a nationally known syndicated columnist. His weekly feature, Ask a Navy SEAL, appears in 200 newspapers nationwide and his radio program on NPR is heard by over six million listeners each week. His new book, In My Sights, is available in book stores everywhere this June.

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