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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Ask A Navy SEAL

Dear Navy SEAL,

My boyfriend, who I love very much, was laid off from his job a few weeks back. Ever since cashing his small severance check, all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment has undermined his confidence, but I’m not his mother! How do I get him out of the house and looking for work?

—Peeved in Palmyra

Dear Peeved,

Killing silently is a tall order, but a quick look at an anatomy chart will show that the larynx is an easy enough target—providing you can make a stealthy submerged approach, sneak up on your victim and catch him unaware. Once that’s accomplished, grasp his hair as close to the scalp as you’re able to and yank his head back while using your Ka-Bar combat knife to make a lateral cut across his throat. Make sure you sever both the carotid artery and jugular vein while piercing the windpipe, and press hard; the larynx is a tough, rubbery piece of tissue.

Dear Navy SEAL,

I am a happily married man with a warm and loving wife who is also one of my best friends. We’ve been together for 17 years (married for 15) and couldn’t be happier, but lately she says she wants separate beds. I’m reeling! We’re barely into our 40s, but in my mind separate sleeping is for seniors—or singles. Am I making too much of this? Is she less happy than she lets on? Help!

—Anxious in Andersonville

Dear Anxious,

Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They’re meant to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best I can tell you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.

Dear Navy SEAL,

After several catastrophically bad relationships I have found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this absolute prince. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even—God help me—following him around. How do I handle this potentially devastating situation? I don’t want to ruin the best thing I have ever had going for myself.

—Paranoid in Port Said

Dear Paranoid,

The 10mm Colt sidearm might not be an ideal long-distance weapon, and it’s certainly no sniper’s rifle, but it has the advantages of low weight and quicker target acquisition. You can reliably engage aggressors at ranges of 30 meters and more. Use a two-handed grip and brace the barrel against a tree, or use your dive tanks and rebreather as an improvised bench rest. Don’t worry about “stopping power”— one of those 10mm slugs opens up to about 70 caliber when it hits, leaving an exit wound you could toss a cat through and bringing so much energy to a target that a hit in the extremities is often enough to drop Ivan in his tracks.

Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL, and a nationally known syndicated columnist. His weekly feature, Ask a Navy SEAL, appears in 200 newspapers nationwide and his radio program on NPR is heard by over six million listeners each week. His new book, In My Sights, is available in book stores everywhere this June.

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