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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Ask A Salmon

Dear Salmon,

After several catastrophic relationships, I've finally found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this prince of a man. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even following him around. How do I handle this situation? I don’t want to ruin a wonderful thing!

—Worried In Walla Walla

Dear Worried,

Spawn! Must... spawn! Body turning scarlet! Must find stream where born! Must swim up rapids! Swim! No stop! Must leap up rapids! Upstream! Females upstream! Upstream where females are! Females will see red body! Will spawn with females! Must swim! Must spawn! Upstream! Must throw self up and over waterfalls! No stop! No stop to eat! No rest! Must spawn!

Dear Salmon,

I am a happily married woman with a loving husband who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years, and I couldn't be happier. But suddenly he wants separate beds! We’re barely into our 40s, and to me, sleeping apart is for seniors—or singles. Am I making too much of this? Help!

—Bugging Out In Bakersfield

Dear Bugging Out,

Spawning time! Ignore succulent caddisfly! Ignore mayfly! No time! Must spawn! No eat! No time! Ignore smelt! Ignore minnows! Swim! Upstream to spawn! Spawn spawn spawn spawn spawn! Leap over rapids! Leap rocks! Leap logs! Leap leap leap! River swollen with salmon! Tiny, pink, internal testicles swollen for spawn! Swollen! Swollen with sperm-rich spawning fluid! Fluid to drop on eggs in silt! Silky eggs! Beautiful eggs! Will spawn with eggs! Unnh! Must... spawn!

Dear Salmon,

My husband, who I love very much, was recently laid off. Ever since, he's been riding the couch, watching TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment hurts a person's confidence, but I’m not his mother! How can I get him up and looking for work?

—Annoyed In Annapolis

Dear Annoyed,

Grizzly bear eat friend! No stop! No help friend! Am only salmon! Salmon must spawn! Ignore hungry bear! Ignore nets! Ignore danger! Will die unless can spawn! Will also die after spawn! Everybody die! No help it! No help self! Ignore death! Think only spawn! Spawn! Leap! Go! Jump! Think only of lovely eggs! No stop! Upstream swim! To spawn! Spawn!

Confidential To Jilted In Jersey:

Unnh! Spawn! Unnh! Spawn! Spawn!

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide

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