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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
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Ask A Salmon

Dear Salmon,

After several catastrophic relationships, I've finally found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this prince of a man. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even following him around. How do I handle this situation? I don’t want to ruin a wonderful thing!

—Worried In Walla Walla

Dear Worried,

Spawn! Must... spawn! Body turning scarlet! Must find stream where born! Must swim up rapids! Swim! No stop! Must leap up rapids! Upstream! Females upstream! Upstream where females are! Females will see red body! Will spawn with females! Must swim! Must spawn! Upstream! Must throw self up and over waterfalls! No stop! No stop to eat! No rest! Must spawn!

Dear Salmon,

I am a happily married woman with a loving husband who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years, and I couldn't be happier. But suddenly he wants separate beds! We’re barely into our 40s, and to me, sleeping apart is for seniors—or singles. Am I making too much of this? Help!

—Bugging Out In Bakersfield

Dear Bugging Out,

Spawning time! Ignore succulent caddisfly! Ignore mayfly! No time! Must spawn! No eat! No time! Ignore smelt! Ignore minnows! Swim! Upstream to spawn! Spawn spawn spawn spawn spawn! Leap over rapids! Leap rocks! Leap logs! Leap leap leap! River swollen with salmon! Tiny, pink, internal testicles swollen for spawn! Swollen! Swollen with sperm-rich spawning fluid! Fluid to drop on eggs in silt! Silky eggs! Beautiful eggs! Will spawn with eggs! Unnh! Must... spawn!

Dear Salmon,

My husband, who I love very much, was recently laid off. Ever since, he's been riding the couch, watching TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment hurts a person's confidence, but I’m not his mother! How can I get him up and looking for work?

—Annoyed In Annapolis

Dear Annoyed,

Grizzly bear eat friend! No stop! No help friend! Am only salmon! Salmon must spawn! Ignore hungry bear! Ignore nets! Ignore danger! Will die unless can spawn! Will also die after spawn! Everybody die! No help it! No help self! Ignore death! Think only spawn! Spawn! Leap! Go! Jump! Think only of lovely eggs! No stop! Upstream swim! To spawn! Spawn!

Confidential To Jilted In Jersey:

Unnh! Spawn! Unnh! Spawn! Spawn!

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide

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