Ask A Salmon

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Sleep

Ask A Salmon

Dear Salmon,

After several catastrophic relationships, I've finally found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this prince of a man. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even following him around. How do I handle this situation? I don’t want to ruin a wonderful thing!

—Worried In Walla Walla

Dear Worried,

Spawn! Must... spawn! Body turning scarlet! Must find stream where born! Must swim up rapids! Swim! No stop! Must leap up rapids! Upstream! Females upstream! Upstream where females are! Females will see red body! Will spawn with females! Must swim! Must spawn! Upstream! Must throw self up and over waterfalls! No stop! No stop to eat! No rest! Must spawn!

Dear Salmon,

I am a happily married woman with a loving husband who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years, and I couldn't be happier. But suddenly he wants separate beds! We’re barely into our 40s, and to me, sleeping apart is for seniors—or singles. Am I making too much of this? Help!

—Bugging Out In Bakersfield

Dear Bugging Out,

Spawning time! Ignore succulent caddisfly! Ignore mayfly! No time! Must spawn! No eat! No time! Ignore smelt! Ignore minnows! Swim! Upstream to spawn! Spawn spawn spawn spawn spawn! Leap over rapids! Leap rocks! Leap logs! Leap leap leap! River swollen with salmon! Tiny, pink, internal testicles swollen for spawn! Swollen! Swollen with sperm-rich spawning fluid! Fluid to drop on eggs in silt! Silky eggs! Beautiful eggs! Will spawn with eggs! Unnh! Must... spawn!

Dear Salmon,

My husband, who I love very much, was recently laid off. Ever since, he's been riding the couch, watching TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment hurts a person's confidence, but I’m not his mother! How can I get him up and looking for work?

—Annoyed In Annapolis

Dear Annoyed,

Grizzly bear eat friend! No stop! No help friend! Am only salmon! Salmon must spawn! Ignore hungry bear! Ignore nets! Ignore danger! Will die unless can spawn! Will also die after spawn! Everybody die! No help it! No help self! Ignore death! Think only spawn! Spawn! Leap! Go! Jump! Think only of lovely eggs! No stop! Upstream swim! To spawn! Spawn!

Confidential To Jilted In Jersey:

Unnh! Spawn! Unnh! Spawn! Spawn!

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide