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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Ask A Salmon

Dear Salmon,

After several catastrophic relationships, I've finally found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this prince of a man. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even following him around. How do I handle this situation? I don’t want to ruin a wonderful thing!

—Worried In Walla Walla

Dear Worried,

Spawn! Must... spawn! Body turning scarlet! Must find stream where born! Must swim up rapids! Swim! No stop! Must leap up rapids! Upstream! Females upstream! Upstream where females are! Females will see red body! Will spawn with females! Must swim! Must spawn! Upstream! Must throw self up and over waterfalls! No stop! No stop to eat! No rest! Must spawn!

Dear Salmon,

I am a happily married woman with a loving husband who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years, and I couldn't be happier. But suddenly he wants separate beds! We’re barely into our 40s, and to me, sleeping apart is for seniors—or singles. Am I making too much of this? Help!

—Bugging Out In Bakersfield

Dear Bugging Out,

Spawning time! Ignore succulent caddisfly! Ignore mayfly! No time! Must spawn! No eat! No time! Ignore smelt! Ignore minnows! Swim! Upstream to spawn! Spawn spawn spawn spawn spawn! Leap over rapids! Leap rocks! Leap logs! Leap leap leap! River swollen with salmon! Tiny, pink, internal testicles swollen for spawn! Swollen! Swollen with sperm-rich spawning fluid! Fluid to drop on eggs in silt! Silky eggs! Beautiful eggs! Will spawn with eggs! Unnh! Must... spawn!

Dear Salmon,

My husband, who I love very much, was recently laid off. Ever since, he's been riding the couch, watching TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment hurts a person's confidence, but I’m not his mother! How can I get him up and looking for work?

—Annoyed In Annapolis

Dear Annoyed,

Grizzly bear eat friend! No stop! No help friend! Am only salmon! Salmon must spawn! Ignore hungry bear! Ignore nets! Ignore danger! Will die unless can spawn! Will also die after spawn! Everybody die! No help it! No help self! Ignore death! Think only spawn! Spawn! Leap! Go! Jump! Think only of lovely eggs! No stop! Upstream swim! To spawn! Spawn!

Confidential To Jilted In Jersey:

Unnh! Spawn! Unnh! Spawn! Spawn!

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide

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