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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

I'm 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I've tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely In Laredo

Dear Lonely,

A cow's skull is remarkably thick, so you've got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days, we'd use a cast-iron mallet, but it's hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a pnuematic bolt gun, both for its ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though: Any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so be sure to wear those non-skid boots.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My wife and I recently moved from Seattle to Lexington, KY, where I was offered a much better job. The only problem is that my wife hates everything about Kentucky. Am I being selfish for making her move here, or is she just being stubborn?

—Lost In Lexington

Dear Lexington,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Get the highest quality eye protection you can, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you're going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But, unfortunately, when you're rendering hogfat into lard, they're also an invitation to heat stroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with several weeks ago, misses my dog Bowser terribly and comes to visit him whenever he's around. It's getting on my nerves! How do I tell him to give me and Bowser some space?

—Cute Pooch In Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you're never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you're finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs or used band-aids in your sausages, I wouldn't worry about it.

James Reedy is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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