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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
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Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

I'm 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I've tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely In Laredo

Dear Lonely,

A cow's skull is remarkably thick, so you've got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days, we'd use a cast-iron mallet, but it's hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a pnuematic bolt gun, both for its ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though: Any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so be sure to wear those non-skid boots.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My wife and I recently moved from Seattle to Lexington, KY, where I was offered a much better job. The only problem is that my wife hates everything about Kentucky. Am I being selfish for making her move here, or is she just being stubborn?

—Lost In Lexington

Dear Lexington,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Get the highest quality eye protection you can, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you're going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But, unfortunately, when you're rendering hogfat into lard, they're also an invitation to heat stroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with several weeks ago, misses my dog Bowser terribly and comes to visit him whenever he's around. It's getting on my nerves! How do I tell him to give me and Bowser some space?

—Cute Pooch In Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you're never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you're finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs or used band-aids in your sausages, I wouldn't worry about it.

James Reedy is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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