adBlockCheck

Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

I'm 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I've tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely In Laredo

Dear Lonely,

A cow's skull is remarkably thick, so you've got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days, we'd use a cast-iron mallet, but it's hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a pnuematic bolt gun, both for its ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though: Any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so be sure to wear those non-skid boots.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My wife and I recently moved from Seattle to Lexington, KY, where I was offered a much better job. The only problem is that my wife hates everything about Kentucky. Am I being selfish for making her move here, or is she just being stubborn?

—Lost In Lexington

Dear Lexington,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Get the highest quality eye protection you can, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you're going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But, unfortunately, when you're rendering hogfat into lard, they're also an invitation to heat stroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with several weeks ago, misses my dog Bowser terribly and comes to visit him whenever he's around. It's getting on my nerves! How do I tell him to give me and Bowser some space?

—Cute Pooch In Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you're never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you're finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs or used band-aids in your sausages, I wouldn't worry about it.

James Reedy is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close