adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

I'm 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I've tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely In Laredo

Dear Lonely,

A cow's skull is remarkably thick, so you've got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days, we'd use a cast-iron mallet, but it's hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a pnuematic bolt gun, both for its ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though: Any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so be sure to wear those non-skid boots.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My wife and I recently moved from Seattle to Lexington, KY, where I was offered a much better job. The only problem is that my wife hates everything about Kentucky. Am I being selfish for making her move here, or is she just being stubborn?

—Lost In Lexington

Dear Lexington,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Get the highest quality eye protection you can, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you're going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But, unfortunately, when you're rendering hogfat into lard, they're also an invitation to heat stroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with several weeks ago, misses my dog Bowser terribly and comes to visit him whenever he's around. It's getting on my nerves! How do I tell him to give me and Bowser some space?

—Cute Pooch In Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you're never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you're finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs or used band-aids in your sausages, I wouldn't worry about it.

James Reedy is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close