adBlockCheck

Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

I'm 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I've tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely In Laredo

Dear Lonely,

A cow's skull is remarkably thick, so you've got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days, we'd use a cast-iron mallet, but it's hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a pnuematic bolt gun, both for its ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though: Any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so be sure to wear those non-skid boots.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My wife and I recently moved from Seattle to Lexington, KY, where I was offered a much better job. The only problem is that my wife hates everything about Kentucky. Am I being selfish for making her move here, or is she just being stubborn?

—Lost In Lexington

Dear Lexington,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Get the highest quality eye protection you can, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you're going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But, unfortunately, when you're rendering hogfat into lard, they're also an invitation to heat stroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker,

My ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with several weeks ago, misses my dog Bowser terribly and comes to visit him whenever he's around. It's getting on my nerves! How do I tell him to give me and Bowser some space?

—Cute Pooch In Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you're never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you're finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs or used band-aids in your sausages, I wouldn't worry about it.

James Reedy is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Slaughterhouse Killing-Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close