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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn?

—Stumped in St. Paul

Dear Stumped,

A cow’s skull is remarkably thick, so you’ve got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days we’d use a cast iron mallet, but it’s hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a modern pnuematic bolt gun for both ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though, any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so keep those non-skid boots.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

I’m 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I’ve tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely in Lawrenceville

Dear Lonely,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Find the highest quality eye protection you can find, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you’re going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But unfortunately, when rendering hogfat into lard, they’re also an invitation to heatstroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My last boyfriend misses my dog Robby terribly and comes to visit him whenever he’s around. It’s getting on my nerves. How do I tell him to give me and Robby some space?

—Cute Pooch in Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you’re never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle, and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you’re finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs, or used band-aids in your sausages, I really woudn’t worry.

James Reedy is a syndicated columnist whose column, Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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