adBlockCheck

Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Top Headlines

Recent News

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Originality

Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn?

—Stumped in St. Paul

Dear Stumped,

A cow’s skull is remarkably thick, so you’ve got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days we’d use a cast iron mallet, but it’s hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a modern pnuematic bolt gun for both ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though, any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so keep those non-skid boots.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

I’m 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I’ve tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely in Lawrenceville

Dear Lonely,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Find the highest quality eye protection you can find, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you’re going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But unfortunately, when rendering hogfat into lard, they’re also an invitation to heatstroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My last boyfriend misses my dog Robby terribly and comes to visit him whenever he’s around. It’s getting on my nerves. How do I tell him to give me and Robby some space?

—Cute Pooch in Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you’re never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle, and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you’re finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs, or used band-aids in your sausages, I really woudn’t worry.

James Reedy is a syndicated columnist whose column, Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close