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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn?

—Stumped in St. Paul

Dear Stumped,

A cow’s skull is remarkably thick, so you’ve got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days we’d use a cast iron mallet, but it’s hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a modern pnuematic bolt gun for both ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though, any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so keep those non-skid boots.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

I’m 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I’ve tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely in Lawrenceville

Dear Lonely,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Find the highest quality eye protection you can find, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you’re going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But unfortunately, when rendering hogfat into lard, they’re also an invitation to heatstroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My last boyfriend misses my dog Robby terribly and comes to visit him whenever he’s around. It’s getting on my nerves. How do I tell him to give me and Robby some space?

—Cute Pooch in Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you’re never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle, and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you’re finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs, or used band-aids in your sausages, I really woudn’t worry.

James Reedy is a syndicated columnist whose column, Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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