Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My wife and I recently moved from Florida to Minnesota, where I was offered a much better job. Problem is, she hates everything about Minnesota. Am I being cruel or is she just being stubborn?

—Stumped in St. Paul

Dear Stumped,

A cow’s skull is remarkably thick, so you’ve got to give it a terrific wallop. In the old days we’d use a cast iron mallet, but it’s hard to deliver a home-run swing all day long. I recommend a modern pnuematic bolt gun for both ease of use and efficient kill-through ratios. Remember, though, any method will still cover the floor with blood and brains, so keep those non-skid boots.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

I’m 34 and still looking for that one special guy. I’ve tried everything from the produce aisle to the bar scene to church, but I keep coming up with duds. My friend swears by singles cruises. What do you think?

—Lonely in Lawrenceville

Dear Lonely,

Meat gobbets and sharp bone fragments are definitely a concern. Find the highest quality eye protection you can find, and wear it from the moment you set foot on the floor. If you’re going to be gutting or flensing, thigh-high rubber boots and thick aprons are a necessity. But unfortunately, when rendering hogfat into lard, they’re also an invitation to heatstroke. If in doubt, ask your line supervisor.

Dear Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker:

My last boyfriend misses my dog Robby terribly and comes to visit him whenever he’s around. It’s getting on my nerves. How do I tell him to give me and Robby some space?

—Cute Pooch in Baton Rouge

Dear Cute Pooch,

Try as you may, you’re never going to keep all the smaller particles of hair, bone, gristle, and assorted effluvia from getting into your meats. Unless you’re finding, say, mouse droppings, housefly eggs, or used band-aids in your sausages, I really woudn’t worry.

James Reedy is a syndicated columnist whose column, Ask a Slaughterhouse Killing Floor Worker, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.