Ask A Third Party Candidate

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Vol 38 Issue 39

Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly

LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds.

Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide

MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."

Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory

ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing."

CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids

HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico."

Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen.

Obesity On The Rise

The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Ask A Third Party Candidate

Dear Third Party Candidate,

I like my new job, and my coworkers are great, but I can't seem to convince them that the reason I don't eat their homemade baked goodies is because I'm trying to lose weight, not because of the taste. They still think I'm snubbing them. What should I do?

—15 Pounds Thinner And Counting In Aberdeen

Dear Thinner,

The United States is a de facto oligarchy. We who were born and raised in this so-called land of the free and home of the brave naturally resist such blunt accusations. We all like to believe we live in a free, democratic society. But a child need only observe the antics of the Republicrats and Demo(CRAP)ublicans to quickly realize there is more than meets the eye. Instead of addressing the needs of their constituents, these craven swindlers are more interested in lining their pockets and engaging in absurd intrigues in the corrupt Washington court. But we mustn't be too hard on these men and women. After all, they are only servile footmen carrying out marching orders from a sinister international cult of amoral usurers and fascist sociopaths headquartered variously in Geneva, Rome, and the Hague.

Dear Third Party Candidate,

My husband's rubbernecking is giving me a royal pain! I don't want to be one of those insecure, henpecking wives who goes to pieces every time her spouse gazes at a pretty girl. "Ken" is otherwise very loving and attentive, but he practically ogles them head-to-toe, even when I'm standing right beside him! Would it be out of line to confront him about it, or should I accept the fact that "boys will be boys"?

—Just About Had It In Joplin

Dear Had It,

Because it is the fundamental position of the American Rule-Of-Law Party that individual sovereignty must remain paramount, we cannot brook the hypocrisy of those "conservative" Republicans who claim to reject bureaucratic encroachment on personal freedoms, yet put restrictions on personal behavior (anti-drug laws, anti-sodomy laws). Nor can we rely on "liberal" Democrats, whose efforts to regiment society through excessive taxation and misguided attempts to improve conditions for the poor through social legislation (affirmative action, anti-gun laws) have resulted in a snarl of bureaucracy and crippling litigation whose only beneficiary is an ever-growing swarm of lawyer-profiteers. Both these approaches undermine true democratic freedoms and individual rights to liberty, self-defense, and property. The Rule-Of-Law Party calls for the abolition of any and all restrictions on drug and weapons possession and an immediate suspension of all environmental-protection laws that infringe on the right to property ownership.

Dear Third Party Candidate,

I was touched when my sister, a professional calligraphy artist, offered to do my wedding invitations free of charge. What I didn't realize was how long it would take her to finish them. When the invitations were a week overdue and she still had less than half of them done, I told her I couldn't wait any longer. She told me the guests I had added prolonged her work and that a good job takes time. Now she's threatening to not attend my wedding. Was I being unreasonable?

—Goin' To The Chapel In Chapel Hill

Dear Chapel,

The American Rule-Of-Law Party believes in a strong centralized authority to promote the general welfare and provide for a common defense, as stated in the Preamble of the U.S. Constitution. The United States is too vast to be governed locally. However, the American Rule-Of-Law Party rejects the assumption that a strong centralized authority can abuse its power and make up a mandate as it goes along. It is with this in mind that we call for an immediate dismantling of the U.S. tax code. The labyrinthine bureaucracy of the IRS has supplanted whatever remains of reason and self-determination in the American character. It has crippled free enterprise and curtailed the prosperity of millions of hard-working people. According to the Rule-Of-Law plan, active civic (not civil) service would replace the yearly 1040 tax form and, indeed, our parliamentary governmental structure. (This latter point is a subject on which my shortsighted colleagues in the Libertarian Party are curiously silent.) As in Israel and Switzerland, Americans between the ages of 18 and 27 would be expected to serve in the armed forces for a minimal tour of duty of two years. Americans ages 28 to 55 would be required to serve on reconstructed, quorum-based democratic deliberative bodies, based on ancient Greek models of governance. High offices would be based on Roman models, but individuals who serve in these posts would be selected by a national lottery. Thus, any American age 35 or over, male or female, black or white, gay or straight, religious or atheist, could be chosen president. This will not only eliminate our present corrupt "professional" bureaucratic and political class, but endow Americans with an empowering sense of responsibility not present in these days of media-brokered elections and smothering corporate lobbying.

Dear Third Party Candidate,

I'm guilty of a little fib. I told my boyfriend of two years that I'm his age, 24, but I'm actually 33! I feel guilty for lying, and I want to tell him the truth, but do you think it's too late? Will he hold it against me?

—Little White Liar In LaGrange

Dear Little White Liar,

Accusations put forward by the mainstream media, the Washington political elite, and the Libertarian Party claim that the American Rule-Of-Law Party, its founder (the late Edgar Mayo Sr.), and its current leader (myself, Edgar Mayo Jr.) espouse anti-Semitic and seditious sentiments. The anti-Semitism charge is a tired accusation leveled by individuals who wish to quell genuine and honest public debate, and does not dignify a response beyond our steadfast and long-held assertion that our quarrel has never been with the Jewish people, only the Jewish banking and media elite. Our critics also claim to be horrified by my radical rejection of the U.S. Constitution, particularly Articles I and III, which established both houses of Congress and the Supreme Court. Far more radical to me is the present system, whose structure continues to reflect the anti-pluralistic philosophy of its patrician, slaveholding framers. Only by directly empowering the individual may we guarantee that individual's freedom. A vote for the American Rule-Of-Law Party is neither treasonous nor anti-American; indeed, it is the patriotism of our critics that should be questioned. It is they who stand in direct opposition to government "of the people, by the people, and for the people." Dismiss, also, the prattling of the complacent, blinder-wearing dimwits who accuse me of being a quixotic fool. A vote for me is a vote to reverse centuries of elitism and exploitation and reaffirm the democratic, republican virtues we cherish.

Edgar Mayo Jr. is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Third Party Candidate, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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