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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Ask A Wiccan

Dear Wiccan,

Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household. Any tips?

—Lonesome In Lodi

Dear Lonesome,

Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very different from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving a Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much more powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a sacred bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful celebration of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our folk! The Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!

Dear Wiccan,

I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to have any good advice. Can you help?

—Shy In Cheyenne

Dear Shy,

Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon are the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may devise. The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of tides and seasons—astral as well as earthly—and as She waxes and wanes, so does the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst crystal can sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones, or even steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true, and using any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or twist your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, consult with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, meditating or Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries of our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please consult your Tarot!

Dear Wiccan,

My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones—even a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?

—Behind The Times In Trenton

Dear Trenton,

May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our fellowship to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None! Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions to bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline familiar, is unworthy of even the Hornéd God! The person thus ensorcelled is bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his or her own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we have been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power or control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science cannot explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we harmonize with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall be exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren and sistren!

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has ju