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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Ask A Wiccan

Dear Wiccan,

Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household. Any tips?

—Lonesome In Lodi

Dear Lonesome,

Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very different from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving a Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much more powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a sacred bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful celebration of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our folk! The Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!

Dear Wiccan,

I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to have any good advice. Can you help?

—Shy In Cheyenne

Dear Shy,

Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon are the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may devise. The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of tides and seasons—astral as well as earthly—and as She waxes and wanes, so does the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst crystal can sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones, or even steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true, and using any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or twist your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, consult with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, meditating or Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries of our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please consult your Tarot!

Dear Wiccan,

My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones—even a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?

—Behind The Times In Trenton

Dear Trenton,

May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our fellowship to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None! Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions to bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline familiar, is unworthy of even the Hornéd God! The person thus ensorcelled is bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his or her own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we have been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power or control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science cannot explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we harmonize with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall be exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren and sistren!

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has ju

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