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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Ask A Wiccan

Dear Wiccan,

Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household. Any tips?

—Lonesome In Lodi

Dear Lonesome,

Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very different from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving a Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much more powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a sacred bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful celebration of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our folk! The Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!

Dear Wiccan,

I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to have any good advice. Can you help?

—Shy In Cheyenne

Dear Shy,

Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon are the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may devise. The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of tides and seasons—astral as well as earthly—and as She waxes and wanes, so does the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst crystal can sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones, or even steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true, and using any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or twist your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, consult with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, meditating or Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries of our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please consult your Tarot!

Dear Wiccan,

My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones—even a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?

—Behind The Times In Trenton

Dear Trenton,

May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our fellowship to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None! Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions to bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline familiar, is unworthy of even the Hornéd God! The person thus ensorcelled is bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his or her own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we have been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power or control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science cannot explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we harmonize with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall be exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren and sistren!

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has ju

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