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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Ask A Wiccan

Dear Wiccan,

Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household. Any tips?

—Lonesome In Lodi

Dear Lonesome,

Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very different from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving a Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much more powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a sacred bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful celebration of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our folk! The Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!

Dear Wiccan,

I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to have any good advice. Can you help?

—Shy In Cheyenne

Dear Shy,

Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon are the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may devise. The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of tides and seasons—astral as well as earthly—and as She waxes and wanes, so does the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst crystal can sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones, or even steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true, and using any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or twist your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, consult with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, meditating or Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries of our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please consult your Tarot!

Dear Wiccan,

My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones—even a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?

—Behind The Times In Trenton

Dear Trenton,

May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our fellowship to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None! Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions to bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline familiar, is unworthy of even the Hornéd God! The person thus ensorcelled is bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his or her own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we have been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power or control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science cannot explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we harmonize with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall be exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren and sistren!

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has ju

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