Ask A Wiccan

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Vol 33 Issue 11

Olympic Speed Skater Thinking About Maybe Taking Out The Garbage

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—U.S. Olympic speed skater Jared Wells, 24, who placed sixth in the 500-meter sprint at last month's Nagano Games, is reportedly thinking about maybe taking out the garbage. "Yeah, those pizza boxes are really starting to pile up there," said Wells, speaking from his living-room couch. "I guess I should take care of that. But first I'm gonna finish building this house made out of Entertainment Weekly subscription-card inserts."

Governor Pardons Self For Living

LANSING, MI—Michigan governor John Engler issued a formal pardon to himself for living Tuesday. "Like, excuse me for living, okay?" read the four-page pardon, which absolves Engler from all culpability in his own existence. "I guess I'm not God. Hope that's okay with everybody." The sneering, sarcastic tone of the gubernatorial pardon is believed to be a reaction to the widespread criticism leveled at Engler in recent weeks, including a Lansing News-Clarion editorial calling him "Governor Lame-o" and a report by Detroit's NBC-TV affiliate suggesting that he "get half a clue." "I am sooo sorry I didn't live up to your expectations," Engler said.

Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup

PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and severely dented Callisto and Europa Monday, causing an estimated $700 quadrillion in damage. "Apparently, a comet passed within Saturn's orbit just ahead of Callisto," Observatory associate director Charles Rayburn said, "causing Callisto to swerve and lose control, colliding with Europa and creating a pileup which Ganymede struck from behind." None of the three moons were insured.

Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have the slightest idea what their grandson does for a living. "We are very proud of our Charles," said Nancy, 82. "Whatever he does in that job of his, I'm sure it's very impressive." Said Walter: "I think what Charles does is make sure companies have enough computers and employees so that they can—oh, I haven't a clue." The couple also has no idea what their granddaughter, Erica Haselrig, a Lodi, NJ, human-resources supervisor, does for a living.

Sudanese Youths Go Wild For Great Taste Of Any Food Whatsoever

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In the biggest fad to sweep Sudan's thrill-seeking teens since 1994's "extreme thirst" craze, youths in this Northeast African nation are going wild for the great taste of any food whatsoever. The new "absolutely anything edible" fad is reflected in current Sudanese youth fashions, dominated by neon-colored, zebra-striped hats and shirts featuring slogans like, "Do you have any food?" and "I am extremely hungry." Sociologist Gavin Werner of Tufts University explained the craze: "For these young people, such fads are a way of setting themselves apart from their parents and forging a generational identity of their own. They are also starving to death and must obtain food if they are to live much longer."

Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

It's True (Or Drew) Love!

Item! Has heavyweight funnyman Drew Carrey finally found love? According to my reliable sources, he sure has! The grapevine tells me that Carrey has been spotted about town on the arm of the redheaded woman from that Brooke Shields show. To date, they've gone bowling, eaten pizza–hold the anchovies!–and taken in a movie. Honestly, I can't think of a better match than those two. I mean, can you imagine the jokes? Oh, to be a fly on the wall on one of their dates!
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Ask A Wiccan

Dear Wiccan,

Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome has really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time for us to rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household. Any tips?

—Lonesome In Lodi

Dear Lonesome,

Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very different from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving a Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much more powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a sacred bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful celebration of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our folk! The Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may the Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!

Dear Wiccan,

I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women. I become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested in. I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever seems to have any good advice. Can you help?

—Shy In Cheyenne

Dear Shy,

Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon are the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may devise. The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of tides and seasons—astral as well as earthly—and as She waxes and wanes, so does the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst crystal can sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones, or even steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true, and using any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or twist your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, consult with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, meditating or Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the grimoiries of our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please consult your Tarot!

Dear Wiccan,

My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones—even a car! I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't want to spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?

—Behind The Times In Trenton

Dear Trenton,

May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our fellowship to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm None! Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions to bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline familiar, is unworthy of even the Hornéd God! The person thus ensorcelled is bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his or her own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we have been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would be kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power or control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair, the mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science cannot explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we harmonize with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we shall be exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren and sistren!

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has ju

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