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Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

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GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site

Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site,

My parents are getting to that age when they need a little more care. I want to look into assisted living, but my brother is completely against it. The only thing is, my brother lives all the way out in Harrisburg, and he hasn't been around for the last five years. If he's not willing to help out, should his opinion really matter?

Frustrated in Dayton

Dear Frustrated in Dayton,

Okay, honey. Check your mirrors. Make sure the radio's off. Can you see me? All right. Let's take it slow. You got plenty of room. Plenty of room, honey. Okay, here we go. Remember what the guy said, you have to judge the space. That's the key. Okay, here we go. Back it up, slow. Slow now. Slow. Back it up. Back back back, plenty of room still, plenty of room, back back, you're doing great, David, plenty of room. Back back back, cut it a little right. A little right. Stop. STOP! When I say stop, honey, you have to stop. You're cutting it too hard. You gotta straighten it out and go back.

Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site,

This allergy season is killing me. And believe me, I've tried everything: Benadryl, Claritin. You name it, I've tried it. My doctor suggested I try allergy shots, but I'm starting to think this whole thing is a lost cause. Any tips on beating the allergy blues?

Stuffed Up in Scottdale

Dear Stuffed Up in Scottdale,

Plenty of room, honey. Remember, if you can't see that pine tree in your rearview it means you've veered too far to the left. Pine tree, left. Visitor's Center, right. You got it, honey. Judge the space. Okay, here we go, back back back, slow, slow, you're starting to go left, David. Where's the pine tree? Can you see the pine tree? Remember, opposite. Opposite! Back back. Okay, looking good, back back, perfect, back back, plenty of room. World of room. Just come straight back, sweetie. I said straight back. No, no. No no no. Stop. Stop. You gotta stop! You're all over the place.

Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site,

My coworker, we'll call him "Josh," recently asked me to go out for drinks after work. Normally, this would raise a huge red flag, because my policy has always been not to date coworkers. But "Josh" seems really nice. If there's a chance this could go somewhere, don't I owe it to myself to break my own rule? I'm certainly not getting any younger.

Confused in Colorado

Dear Confused in Colorado,

David, don't go fast. Who are you trying to impress? Don't get frustrated. Who cares if people are staring? I know it's late but your attitude isn't helping right now. Well, turn the darn radio off if you can't hear me. No, David, we can't leave it here and park it in the morning. You need to be more patient. Do you want me to take over? That's what I thought. Well, stop acting like a child, then, and pay attention. Okay. Let's try it again. Back, back. Looking good. Cut it a little right. A little more right. Shoot! Left! I mean left. Sorry, honey. I'm sorry. That one was my fault. I apologize.

Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site,

Here's the problem: I grew up without an air-conditioner, and my wife's had one her entire life. Last summer I broke down and bought one, but the electricity bill was enormous. I said we should compromise and only use the air-conditioner on certain days, but my wife said she likes a cool house. I'm out of ideas.

Hot and Bothered in Hartford

Dear Hot and Bothered in Hartford,

Back back. Darn it, David, stop. STOP! Let these people go by first.

Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site,

I really enjoyed your response last week to the gentleman trying to save for his son's college tuition. But what about people like me, who, no matter how much they scrimp and save, still always seem to end up in the red?

Discouraged in Duluth

Dear Discouraged in Duluth,

Back, back, cut it, cut it. Looking really good. Plenty of room. Plenty of room, slow, slow, just a little bit more…and…stop. Perfect! That was just perfect. Oh, my God. Thank you so much, sir, for coming out here and helping us. My husband and I really appreciate it.

Wife is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, "Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site," is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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