Ask A Woman Trying On Pants

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Vol 35 Issue 44

Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight

SILVER SPRING, MD—Greg Geisinger, a 265-pound Wilmington man whose seven-year marriage ended in divorce earlier this month, must get back down to his dating weight of 190 pounds, he announced Monday. "Oh, man, I have got to lose this weight if I'm gonna be back out there dating again," said Geisinger, who for years has carried 75 pounds of excess marital flab on his 5'11" frame. "No good-looking single woman is gonna want to go out with a guy who looks like this." Geisinger said he is eager to remarry so he can gain back the weight he is about to lose.

Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password

PUYALLUP, WA—Bob Aldridge, who last week became an America Online member, is dying to tell someone his cool password, the 31-year-old associate marketing manager revealed Tuesday. "Oh, man, it is seriously the most awesome password ever," Aldridge said. "Unfortunately, I can't tell anyone, because the whole point is to keep it a secret. But believe me, if you heard this password, you would be so unbelievably jealous." Though Aldridge has given no clues as to what the password might be, several of his friends said they strongly suspect it has something to do with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The Simpsons or They Might Be Giants.

Anarchists Rise Up, Move To Different Cafeteria Table

BATAVIA, NY—After years of working toward an ultimate goal of smashing the dominant social and political hierarchy, the Anarchy League of Batavia South High School rose up and took action Monday, moving to another cafeteria table when this bunch of jerks from the popular kids' table wouldn't stop making faces and shooting spitballs at them. "At long last, the time has come for us to gather our books and sit over at that other table by the window where, hopefully, those guys will stop bugging us," said sophomore anarchist Lindsay Franklin, 15. "I hate those stupid idiots. They think they're so cool."

Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky

TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive, illegal talk-show-guest mill Monday on the outskirts of Tompkinsville. "When I first laid eyes on the place, I couldn't believe what I was seeing," said Monroe County sheriff Bill McCallum, the first to spot the long-sought mill. "There had to be enough scrawny, toothless men in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin T-shirts and fat, foul-mouthed women in sweatsuits for a thousand Jerry Springer episodes. There was a whole section of the mill that, from the looks of things, pumped out nothing but rattails."

Prescription-Drug Prices

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S. than overseas. What do you think about the high cost of medication in America?
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Ask A Woman Trying On Pants

Dear Cheryl,

Please settle a disagreement between me and my wife. It is my understanding that tipping is a reward for good service. My wife says it is an embarrassment not to leave at least 15 percent for a waiter or waitress, even if the service is horrible. I don't want to be stingy, but why should I pay for something I don't get?

—Cheapskate In Chesapeake

Dear Chesapeake,

You sure these don't make me look fat? What about in the back? Don't these make me look like a total cow from the back? I just think they look really tight, especially when I walk. I don't know what the deal is. I wear a 5/6, and these are a 5/6, but they just feel like they're kind of riding up in the back. Are they riding up? I don't know, maybe this brand runs small or something. No, I don't want to try a larger size. I'm a 5/6.

Dear Cheryl,

I live in a condominium, and I work hard to keep my lawn looking neat and trimmed, as per instructions in my complex's handbook. But my neighbor (we'll call him "Peter") is a total slob! His rusty grill is behind our building, and there are knee-high weeds growing in his front yard! Should I say something? It's driving me crazy!

—Tidy In Toledo

Dear Tidy,

Oh, my God, these are so cute. I have to have them. These would look so amazing with that brown rollneck sweater I just got and my black Steve Maddens. That would be such a perfect outfit for Cara's party Saturday. How much are these? I don't even care. Look at the little stitched flowers along the pockets and on the bottom. Is that just the cutest thing ever? What? You don't like these? Too summery? I don't know, I thought maybe with the brown rollneck or, like, my new black cardigan with a cropped-top blouse under it and that one gray silk scarf, it would look good for this time of year. You're right. Forget it. Put them back and get me that pair of tan cord flares. I hate rayon, anyway.

Dear Cheryl,

A few days ago, I met this really cute guy at our neighborhood coffee shop, and he asked me out to dinner. But here's the hitch: I never thought to tell him that my divorce still hasn't gone totally through yet. The marriage is done, but do you think I should call him before the date and mention it, just in case he wants to back out?

—Splitting In Springfield

Dear Splitting,

How do these look? I usually don't like flat-fronts, but that's because I always try on flat-front khakis. These are kind of dressier. And I don't own anything that's sateen. I really like them. Except those buttons in the front are a little weird. But I'd probably wear these with the shirt untucked, so they probably wouldn't even show. Amy had a pair like these, and I so totally wanted them. But if I get those suede army pants I tried on at the Gap, the two would kind of overlap. Plus, those were $168, and I'd feel totally guilty also getting these, too. Unless, instead, I got these and the flannel stretch boot-cuts at that first store we went to. Those were only $58. Plus, it was buy one, get any accessory 50 percent off. That's such a deal. So I should get these, right? I could always take them back when I'm out shopping this weekend. Okay, I'm definitely going to get them. If you think I should.

Cheryl Woods is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Woman Trying On Pants, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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