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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Ask A Woman Trying On Pants

Dear Cheryl,

Please settle a disagreement between me and my wife. It is my understanding that tipping is a reward for good service. My wife says it is an embarrassment not to leave at least 15 percent for a waiter or waitress, even if the service is horrible. I don't want to be stingy, but why should I pay for something I don't get?

—Cheapskate In Chesapeake

Dear Chesapeake,

You sure these don't make me look fat? What about in the back? Don't these make me look like a total cow from the back? I just think they look really tight, especially when I walk. I don't know what the deal is. I wear a 5/6, and these are a 5/6, but they just feel like they're kind of riding up in the back. Are they riding up? I don't know, maybe this brand runs small or something. No, I don't want to try a larger size. I'm a 5/6.

Dear Cheryl,

I live in a condominium, and I work hard to keep my lawn looking neat and trimmed, as per instructions in my complex's handbook. But my neighbor (we'll call him "Peter") is a total slob! His rusty grill is behind our building, and there are knee-high weeds growing in his front yard! Should I say something? It's driving me crazy!

—Tidy In Toledo

Dear Tidy,

Oh, my God, these are so cute. I have to have them. These would look so amazing with that brown rollneck sweater I just got and my black Steve Maddens. That would be such a perfect outfit for Cara's party Saturday. How much are these? I don't even care. Look at the little stitched flowers along the pockets and on the bottom. Is that just the cutest thing ever? What? You don't like these? Too summery? I don't know, I thought maybe with the brown rollneck or, like, my new black cardigan with a cropped-top blouse under it and that one gray silk scarf, it would look good for this time of year. You're right. Forget it. Put them back and get me that pair of tan cord flares. I hate rayon, anyway.

Dear Cheryl,

A few days ago, I met this really cute guy at our neighborhood coffee shop, and he asked me out to dinner. But here's the hitch: I never thought to tell him that my divorce still hasn't gone totally through yet. The marriage is done, but do you think I should call him before the date and mention it, just in case he wants to back out?

—Splitting In Springfield

Dear Splitting,

How do these look? I usually don't like flat-fronts, but that's because I always try on flat-front khakis. These are kind of dressier. And I don't own anything that's sateen. I really like them. Except those buttons in the front are a little weird. But I'd probably wear these with the shirt untucked, so they probably wouldn't even show. Amy had a pair like these, and I so totally wanted them. But if I get those suede army pants I tried on at the Gap, the two would kind of overlap. Plus, those were $168, and I'd feel totally guilty also getting these, too. Unless, instead, I got these and the flannel stretch boot-cuts at that first store we went to. Those were only $58. Plus, it was buy one, get any accessory 50 percent off. That's such a deal. So I should get these, right? I could always take them back when I'm out shopping this weekend. Okay, I'm definitely going to get them. If you think I should.

Cheryl Woods is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Woman Trying On Pants, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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