Ask A Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever Take That Away From Her

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Vol 35 Issue 11

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine. "I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning." The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork. "An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all." The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.

The Burger-King Grants Asylum

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful Burger-King. Once in-side, I prostrated myself before one of the senior diplomats, who donned a badge etched with the words "Dale—Crew Manager."

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!

Aren't There Any Crimes Punishable By Public Spanking?

Like most Americans, I was raised to believe two things: that I am a very, very bad boy, and that I must be properly punished for my transgressions. But in recent years, I've become deeply disillusioned with the American justice system. After an overview of federal sentencing guidelines and meticulous study of the Departments of Corrections of all 50 states, I have found that our nation's criminal courts routinely resort to fines, imprisonment and community service as restitution for wrongdoing—punishments I, for one, find less than satisfactory. Aren't there any crimes punishable by public spanking?
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Ask A Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever Take That Away From Her

Dear Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever,

My neighbors are always borrowing something—a few stamps here, a bottle of window cleaner there. I'm doling out things left and right. I don't want to be greedy, but, on the other hand, I'm not the corner grocery, either! What do you think?

—Can't Say No In Novi

Dear Novi,

You may own the rest of this town, Mr. Edward Stone, but you do not own me. I was born on Lancaster land, and I will die on Lancaster land, my head held high with pride all the days in between. This patch of soil may not seem like much to you, but my granddaddy came to Greene County to give his family a better life here in these hills, and I am not about to let his memory be tarnished by the greedy likes of you. I'm not putting the name my mama and my daddy, God rest their souls, gave me on any contract that's touched those cold hands of yours. You have tried to ruin me, Mr. Stone, but you have failed, so go on home now, and take your papers with you.

Dear Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever,

I've finally decided to get in gear and lose that spare tire, but the other guys at work are making it impossible. They know I'm on a diet, but they offer me fatty chips and donuts all day long. I'm only human! Should I try harder to resist, or should I tell them they need to quit tempting me?

—Hungry In Hartford

Dear Hartford,

When you see me walking down the street in this faded old dress and these worn-out shoes, you can just go ahead and laugh, Mrs. Macalester; I'd much rather have your scorn than your sympathy. You're too wrapped up in your high-society friends' luncheons and your husband's mansion to notice, but I have something you will never have: my pride. This world hasn't yet been strong enough to knock down Margaret C. Lancaster—at least not for long. From the time the sun rises in the morning to the moment it sets at night, I know I've made my own way in this world. And all you've done, Mrs. Macalester, is fight like hell—yes, you heard me say the word—to knock everyone else down, because that's the only way you can feel good about your own self. Now, step out of my way, Mrs. Macalester, and take your pity with you.

Dear Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever,

Every time I arrange a night out with my old college gal pal, she brings along her hubby. He's a great guy, but instead of catching up on girl talk, I feel like I'm intruding on a date! How do I tell my friend I want to see her, but I'm not up for the package deal?

—Third Wheel In Weirton

Dear Third Wheel,

Mr. Knox Phillips, you may think I've been waiting for some man to come along and take me away from my troubles, but I'm not. What will become of me, a woman all alone, fighting to make her way in this big old world? I rightly don't know. But I do know—and you should, too—that I intend to keep the promise I made to Mr. Walter Shackleford so many years ago. I don't care if I have to wait another seven years for him to come back or, for that matter, another seven after that. Take one last good look at my face, because if you ever venture to set foot inside my house again, the hard words I am speaking now will sound sweet as honey compared to the things I will say to you then, sir. I have no more time for such useless conferences, so please go now, Mr. Phillips, and take your flowers with you.

Maggie Lancaster is a syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask A Woman Who May Be Poor, But She Has Her Pride, And No One Will Ever Take That Away From Her, appears in 250 newspapers nationwide.

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