adBlockCheck

Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child

Dear Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,

My next-door neighbor is driving me nuts with his noisy home-improvement projects! If he’s not hammering on the shared fence all weekend, he’s running his circular saw out in the driveway because it’s “too hot” in the garage. How do I ask him to keep his handy-manning to reasonable hours?

—Frazzled In Freeport

Dear Frazzled,

OH-kay, ladies and gentlemen, first on the block is this beautiful Champion 4,000-watt generator, good as new, no uncle I don’t want to do this, WHO’LL start the bidding at two hundred, gimme TWO, who’ll gimme two-fifty told me to take my swim trunks off TWO fifty anyone got three gimme three I feel weird THREE hundred dollar anybody gimme three-fifty three-fifty said it was something families do and it didn’t make me gay THREE-fifty I didn’t even know what gay was who’ll gimme four? Four anybody ’bout to go at three-fifty something’s wrong that I can’t describe and SOLD to the gentleman in the green hat.

Dear Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,

I recently moved to Chicago and so far it’s been great, but winter is fast approaching and I’m worried that once the cold weather arrives, my love affair with the city might come to a quick, chilly end. Any tips for getting through a brutal Midwestern winter in one piece?

—Chillin’ In Chicago

Dear Chillin’,

Lot 64, a beautiful John Deere roto-tiller used for just one planting season, stored indoors, not a speck of rust. Who’ll gimme seven hundred dollars no older than seven I hadn’t even lived yet SEVEN for God’s sake, who’ll gimme eight, carrying the horror inside ATE at me like a cancer gimme nine, gimme NINTH birthday got everything I wanted so why do I feel so bad, TEN dollar bill from Grandma but I feel like I don’t deserve any presents just want the dirty feeling to go away, who gonna gimme a REASON, gimme an explanation why it happened or why I was even born WHY would God put us here to endure a parade of humiliation that we carry around forever I don’t need answers I just want the pain to be GONE for eleven hundred fifty dollars to the lit-tle lady up front.

Dear Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,

My brother-in-law has offered my husband and me a ground-level investment opportunity in a mail-order business, but he has no degree in business or management and declared bankruptcy 10 years ago. How do I tell hubby that this deal’s a nonstarter, and how do we let my brother-in-law down gently?

—Wary In Waukesha

Dear Wary,

Hey, here we go right ahead with a beautiful teakwood armoire, functional and decorative for the bedroom, the guest room, the spare room, the dreams about monsters every night, WHO’LL gimme me four hundred gimme four, FOUR hundred Mom said he was family and to just forget about it FIVE hundred who’s gonna take it to five-fifty any bids at five-fifty said that I’d just imagined it, that it was just a dream, a bad, bad dream FIVE-fifty gimme six weird look in her eyes and SOLD for five-fif-tay. Gonna move right quick to lot 83, Weatherby Vanguard bolt-action rifle in perfect working condition, goddammit forever Mom you knew all along and who else was supposed to defend me it would have been easy but you didn’t say a word my GOD maybe auction-calling’s how I compensate for when I didn’t speak up for myself but how COULD I, ladies and gentlemen, how COULD I?

Confidential To Put-Upon In Poughkeepsie:

And we’re going to end the bidding at REGRET and self-loathing, who’ll gimme PEACE? Who’ll gimme the emotional tools I need to be a self-actualized, sexually mature adult, ladies and gentlemen, do I hear ANYONE? Anyone out there willing to help me, to at least talk to me—you, sir, in the red shirt, will YOU help me and where are you GOING, sir? Last chance for someone to somehow ease the torment before I harm myself or others…going ONCE…going TWICE…

“Slim” Jim Watkins is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, “Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,” is featured in more than 250 papers nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close