adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child

Dear Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,

My next-door neighbor is driving me nuts with his noisy home-improvement projects! If he’s not hammering on the shared fence all weekend, he’s running his circular saw out in the driveway because it’s “too hot” in the garage. How do I ask him to keep his handy-manning to reasonable hours?

—Frazzled In Freeport

Dear Frazzled,

OH-kay, ladies and gentlemen, first on the block is this beautiful Champion 4,000-watt generator, good as new, no uncle I don’t want to do this, WHO’LL start the bidding at two hundred, gimme TWO, who’ll gimme two-fifty told me to take my swim trunks off TWO fifty anyone got three gimme three I feel weird THREE hundred dollar anybody gimme three-fifty three-fifty said it was something families do and it didn’t make me gay THREE-fifty I didn’t even know what gay was who’ll gimme four? Four anybody ’bout to go at three-fifty something’s wrong that I can’t describe and SOLD to the gentleman in the green hat.

Dear Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,

I recently moved to Chicago and so far it’s been great, but winter is fast approaching and I’m worried that once the cold weather arrives, my love affair with the city might come to a quick, chilly end. Any tips for getting through a brutal Midwestern winter in one piece?

—Chillin’ In Chicago

Dear Chillin’,

Lot 64, a beautiful John Deere roto-tiller used for just one planting season, stored indoors, not a speck of rust. Who’ll gimme seven hundred dollars no older than seven I hadn’t even lived yet SEVEN for God’s sake, who’ll gimme eight, carrying the horror inside ATE at me like a cancer gimme nine, gimme NINTH birthday got everything I wanted so why do I feel so bad, TEN dollar bill from Grandma but I feel like I don’t deserve any presents just want the dirty feeling to go away, who gonna gimme a REASON, gimme an explanation why it happened or why I was even born WHY would God put us here to endure a parade of humiliation that we carry around forever I don’t need answers I just want the pain to be GONE for eleven hundred fifty dollars to the lit-tle lady up front.

Dear Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,

My brother-in-law has offered my husband and me a ground-level investment opportunity in a mail-order business, but he has no degree in business or management and declared bankruptcy 10 years ago. How do I tell hubby that this deal’s a nonstarter, and how do we let my brother-in-law down gently?

—Wary In Waukesha

Dear Wary,

Hey, here we go right ahead with a beautiful teakwood armoire, functional and decorative for the bedroom, the guest room, the spare room, the dreams about monsters every night, WHO’LL gimme me four hundred gimme four, FOUR hundred Mom said he was family and to just forget about it FIVE hundred who’s gonna take it to five-fifty any bids at five-fifty said that I’d just imagined it, that it was just a dream, a bad, bad dream FIVE-fifty gimme six weird look in her eyes and SOLD for five-fif-tay. Gonna move right quick to lot 83, Weatherby Vanguard bolt-action rifle in perfect working condition, goddammit forever Mom you knew all along and who else was supposed to defend me it would have been easy but you didn’t say a word my GOD maybe auction-calling’s how I compensate for when I didn’t speak up for myself but how COULD I, ladies and gentlemen, how COULD I?

Confidential To Put-Upon In Poughkeepsie:

And we’re going to end the bidding at REGRET and self-loathing, who’ll gimme PEACE? Who’ll gimme the emotional tools I need to be a self-actualized, sexually mature adult, ladies and gentlemen, do I hear ANYONE? Anyone out there willing to help me, to at least talk to me—you, sir, in the red shirt, will YOU help me and where are you GOING, sir? Last chance for someone to somehow ease the torment before I harm myself or others…going ONCE…going TWICE…

“Slim” Jim Watkins is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, “Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child,” is featured in more than 250 papers nationwide.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close