Ask An Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 09

Mockingbird Imitates Car Alarm Perfectly

HOUSTON–In an unsettling development for the natural world, a mockingbird was heard perfectly mimicking a car alarm Monday. "I heard this strange song coming from a mockingbird in a big spruce across the street from St. Luke's Hospital," bird watcher Bob Ausmus said. "After a minute or two, I realized it was one of those multi-sound car alarms–he did the staccato one, the slowly rising one, the buzzing one. He must have picked it up from one of the BMWs in the parking lot." Ornithologists predict that the alarm song will spread to millions of birds and be handed down for centuries to come.

Dubious Inclusions Damage Credibility Of Entire Record Collection

HAMMOND, IN–The credibility of 26-year-old Jeff Gaskill's record collection is badly damaged by the inclusion of several albums of dubious artistic merit, friend Rob Appel reported Monday. "He's got tons of awesome stuff, everything from [X-Ray Spex's] Germ Free Adolescents to [Al Green's] Call Me," Appel said of the 750-plus CD library. "But then, smack-dab in between The Pogues' Rum, Sodomy & The Lash and Portishead's Dummy is Poison's Greatest Hits." Continued Appel: "Before I could ask him what the hell it was doing there, I spot Hell Freezes Over by The Eagles. That record alone negates the coolness of Brian Eno's Here Come The Warm Jets and The Flying Burrito Brothers' The Gilded Palace Of Sin."

Insufferable Prick Distinctly Said No Cilantro

NEW YORK–Dan Carswell, a 31-year-old Fidelity Investments commodities trader and unbelievable asshole, distinctly told his Aquavit server Tuesday that he did not want cilantro on his avocado salad. "I have to be downtown for a meeting in 30 minutes," the fucking cockbiter told waitress Natalie Elson while handing back the salad. "Could we please get it right this time?" The colossal shit went on to exhibit his displeasure by leaving a four percent tip.

No Jennifer Lopez News Today

NEW YORK—Despite Hurculean efforts to find any scraps of J. Lo information, reporters conceded that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today.

Women's Prison Riot Feels Gratuitous

DECATUR, GA–Monday's full-scale riot at the Georgia Women's Correctional Facility is being derided by witnesses as "contrived" and "blatantly designed to pander to prurient interests." "It's obvious that this was just a thinly veiled excuse to have women claw at each other and tear each other's shirts off," Decatur resident Charles Fenig said of the inmate uprising, during which one guard was fatally stabbed and six others held hostage for more than three hours. "I expect more from our women's prisons than this sort of cheap, exploitative 'caged heat.'" Critics also panned prison warden Barb Hofstadt, calling her "a textbook sadistic, bull-dyke warden straight out of central casting."

Dick Cheney's Heart

Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart problems?

The Meat-Substitute Boom

With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items amount meat-shunning Americans?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Entertainment

Ask An Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection

Dear Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection,

My grandfather recently cleaned out his attic and gave a lot of things to his grandkids. For some reason, though, he favored my cousin Eric. For example, he gave him a lot of great old vinyl records–even though Eric doesn't have a record player and everyone in the family knows I'm a record collector. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth, or am I right to be upset by this apparent favoritism?

—Stiffed In Stamford

Dear Stiffed,

You hold in your hands what is labeled a "treasury," but it would be more accurate to call it a "treasure." Simply put, Bill Amend's Fox Trot does for the American family what Cathy Guisewite's Cathy does for the single woman. Amend takes the fears, hopes, dreams, and touching moments of family life and imbues them with unparalleled humanity. Like any great cartoonist, it's Amend's eye for the follies and foibles of everyday life that makes Fox Trot special. From Andy's unpopular attempts at vegetarian cooking to Roger's obsession with going bald, from Paige's love of ice cream to Jason's pathological desire to conquer every math problem thrown at him, Amend succeeds at making the Fox family real–and really funny.

Dear Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection,

I am a single, reasonably attractive woman who works in a small office. My problem is the man in the cubicle next to mine. He constantly flirts with me, and it has become uncomfortable. I don't believe in dating coworkers, and I don't think I'd be interested in him even if I did. Since we work in such close quarters, how do I tell him to buzz off without complicating our working relationship?

—Uncomfortable In Upper Darby

Dear Uncomfortable,

As the creator of Funky Winkerbean and, hence, someone in direct competition with Bill Amend, I find myself wondering why I'm penning this intro. But then I realize that, just like the Foxes, we in the cartoon biz are really one big happy-but-dysfunctional family. Amend is like a brother to me and, just like a typical sibling rivalry, I'm envious of his talent. His strip transcends the mundane and renders everyday life with insight one rarely finds in a daily strip. Who can't relate to the sibling triad that forms the Fox offspring? Don't we all have a shopping-obsessed sister like Paige or a wannabe-jock brother like Peter? For me, it's the iguana-loving sci-fi nerd Jason who resonates most. From Jason's constant attempts to torment Paige to his wild schemes with best pal Marcus, Amend seems to have torn pages directly out of my childhood journals ("Mom! Bill's been reading my diary!") and immortalized them in ink on bristol board. He's that good.

Dear Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection,

My 10-year-old son does nothing but hole up in his room and play on his computer all day. I'd like him to get out more, enjoying the fresh air and the company of other kids, instead of living in cyberspace. Whenever I suggest this to him, he just goes back to his hacking or whatever it is he's doing. Is there a way for me to reason with him, or will I have to put his iMac under lock and keyboard?

—Worried In Winnetka

Dear Worried,

Odie the dog. Heathcliff the cat. Kvack the duck. The comic-strip universe suffers from no shortage of memorable pets, but there's no critter quite like Quincy the iguana. Whether he's scarfing down mealworms, destroying Paige's sweaters, or enjoying one of Jason's tummy rubs, the irrepressible Quincy redefines the term "man's best friend." Maybe it's Quincy's unflagging loyalty to Jason. Or his coy, vacant expression. Or the way he licks Jason's arm when he's slumped over the table in despair. I can't really say for sure, but I do know that if Jason ever needed someone to iguana-sit Quincy, I'd happily do it for free. That is Bill Amend's gift. His characters, even the non-human ones, leap off the page and straight into your heart–with laughter. So welcome to the weird, warm, wonderful world of Bill Amend's Fox Trot: It's a place where you're sure to feel right at home.

Introduction, Fox Trot: The Works is an advice columnist whose syndicated column, Ask An Intro To A Fox Trot Cartoon Collection appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More