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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Ask An Upscale Gift Catalog

Dear Upscale Gift Catalog,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, and I think he could be The One. But there's one thing about him that drives me nuts: Whenever we eat out, he always insists on ordering for me. He says he's just being chivalrous, but I feel like it's his way of showing he's the one "wearing the pants" in the relationship. Am I overreacting, or is he showing signs of chauvinism that may rear its ugly head later?

—Capable In Cape May

Dear Capable,

It's three o'clock in the morning on a moonless night. Your wife is sound asleep. You suddenly have a million-dollar idea. The light is not an option. Your wife, the light sleeper, would surely be awakened. The pen and paper you keep on your nightstand seem a thousand miles away. Then you remember the Lexmore Lumiwriter. With a twist of the wrist, this remarkable pen emits a readable glow from its mushroom-like base, enabling one to write discreetly in complete darkness. Even in daylight, this sleek, ultra-modern tool is built for maximum function and beauty. Hand-crafted from a stunning mix of aluminum and mahogany and engraved with designs inspired by Aztec craftsmen, each pen is equipped with the patented Lexmore Ink-Flo distribution system and a lifetime guarantee. So you can go to sleep knowing that your idea is safely on the page and that your wife will wake up the next morning none the wiser.

Dear Upscale Gift Catalog,

My birthday is coming up, and every year, my mother-in-law insists on giving me some horrible outfit I would never, ever wear. Then, the next time my husband and I go out with her, she expects me to wear the thing. Is there an easy way to let her know I don't want to receive clothes from her anymore? Her heart is in the right place, but her fashion sense is all wrong.?

—Fashion Victim In Farmington

Dear Fashion Victim,

A solitary backpacker in Milan. A sudden downpour. You seek shelter from the rain in a charming little café. You order a cup of the local blend and sit on the aged leather furniture. You look for something to read while you wait out the storm. Then you notice the bookcase. Sturdy. Handsome. Classic. The honey-stained oak lovingly lacquered by hand and covered in embossed leather. The Italian craftsmen who passed down this design for generations reveled in the beauty of the simple, strong lines that catch the eye but don't stand out. From the Italian countryside to the den, this bookcase exudes the wisdom of a man well-read and well-traveled. Also available in natural or chocolate.

Dear Upscale Gift Catalog,

When I'm at work, I'm constantly being bugged by coworkers to fix every little mechanical problem that arises. I was hired to be a data technician, but I spend most of my time fixing paper jams and replacing toner cartridges. I hate to tell my fellow employees to buzz off, but I need to do the work I'm being paid to do. Help!?

—Used In Utica

Dear Used,

A Moroccan bazaar. The aroma of exotic spices fills your nose. The clangor of a thousand voices rattles your ears. You brush past vendors vainly trying to get your attention. You duck into a back alley to catch your breath. Away from the chaos of the street, you spy an entrance to a lonely shop. You walk in. Immediately, you are drawn to the bundle in the corner. Unfurling it, you realize it's a Kashan-style Persian rug. You run your hands across its surface, knowing each thread was painstakingly woven by master craftsmen. The simple, muted earthtones belie a complex design unique to the region. Each rug is hand-knotted from 100 percent wool using only vegetable dyes. Equally at home on marble or hardwood floors, this rug takes center stage in any room. This one-of-a-kind rug won't last. It cannot possibly. Persian Rug #PR50035.....................$5,740

Dakota, Spring 2001 is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask An Upscale Gift Catalog, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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