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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ask Deep Blue

Dear Deep Blue,

I'm 47 years old and just had my first baby after years of trying. My husband and I are thrilled. The problem is, everybody we know keeps telling us we're too old and that it's not fair to the child. Are we just being selfish, or should they butt out of our business?

—Perplexed In Plano

Dear Plano,

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Dear Deep Blue,

My son died this May after a long and tragic bout with alcoholism. David was just 23. My family and I are overcome with grief. Could you please reprint that beautiful prayer you ran several years ago for parents who have lost a child?

—Heartbroken In Harwich

Dear Heartbroken,

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Dear Deep Blue,

The daughter of a close family friend is getting married, and we just received the invitation. But as my husband and I were opening it, we noticed it was addressed only to him. Should I ask them about it? I'm sure it was a mistake. But what if it wasn't? Help!

—Snubbed In Snowdon

Dear Snubbed,

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Dear Deep Blue,

I recently caught my husband taking money from my purse. We have a shared account, so it's not like he's actually stealing, but it just makes me feel like I can't trust him. Should I say something?

—Unsure In Utica

Dear Utica,

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Deep Blue is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask Deep Blue, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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