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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Ask Deep Blue

Dear Deep Blue,

I'm 47 years old and just had my first baby after years of trying. My husband and I are thrilled. The problem is, everybody we know keeps telling us we're too old and that it's not fair to the child. Are we just being selfish, or should they butt out of our business?

—Perplexed In Plano

Dear Plano,

0000000111 0001010111 01010001011 0101010101010101010010101010001010101111 010100000000001000001010100000011 01010010010101010100

Dear Deep Blue,

My son died this May after a long and tragic bout with alcoholism. David was just 23. My family and I are overcome with grief. Could you please reprint that beautiful prayer you ran several years ago for parents who have lost a child?

—Heartbroken In Harwich

Dear Heartbroken,

01 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101 0101

Dear Deep Blue,

The daughter of a close family friend is getting married, and we just received the invitation. But as my husband and I were opening it, we noticed it was addressed only to him. Should I ask them about it? I'm sure it was a mistake. But what if it wasn't? Help!

—Snubbed In Snowdon

Dear Snubbed,

11111101 010000000001111111111001 0100111111100001 01001 001 0000001 0101 0101 00111011111111111111111

Dear Deep Blue,

I recently caught my husband taking money from my purse. We have a shared account, so it's not like he's actually stealing, but it just makes me feel like I can't trust him. Should I say something?

—Unsure In Utica

Dear Utica,

000000011100010101110101000 1011010101010101010101001010101000101010 111101010000000000100000101

Deep Blue is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask Deep Blue, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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