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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Ask Deep Blue

Dear Deep Blue,

I'm 47 years old and just had my first baby after years of trying. My husband and I are thrilled. The problem is, everybody we know keeps telling us we're too old and that it's not fair to the child. Are we just being selfish, or should they butt out of our business?

—Perplexed In Plano

Dear Plano,

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Dear Deep Blue,

My son died this May after a long and tragic bout with alcoholism. David was just 23. My family and I are overcome with grief. Could you please reprint that beautiful prayer you ran several years ago for parents who have lost a child?

—Heartbroken In Harwich

Dear Heartbroken,

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Dear Deep Blue,

The daughter of a close family friend is getting married, and we just received the invitation. But as my husband and I were opening it, we noticed it was addressed only to him. Should I ask them about it? I'm sure it was a mistake. But what if it wasn't? Help!

—Snubbed In Snowdon

Dear Snubbed,

11111101 010000000001111111111001 0100111111100001 01001 001 0000001 0101 0101 00111011111111111111111

Dear Deep Blue,

I recently caught my husband taking money from my purse. We have a shared account, so it's not like he's actually stealing, but it just makes me feel like I can't trust him. Should I say something?

—Unsure In Utica

Dear Utica,

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Deep Blue is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask Deep Blue, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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