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Vol 40 Issue 10

Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss

BOSTON—Every song on the radio reminds Red Sox fan Patrick O'Malley of the team's loss to the New York Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 American League Championship Series. "'One Call Away' on 94.5 reminded me of how [manager] Grady Little's call kept Pedro Martinez on the mound in the eighth," O'Malley said Monday. "So I flipped over to 97.9, but then Van Halen's 'Poundcake' reminded me of how Yankee batter Aaron Boone pounded Tim Wakefield's knuckleball over the fence." O'Malley then switched to AM radio, where a farm report reminded him of that corndog he threw on the ground when Boone crossed home plate in the game's 11th inning.

Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new Department of Health and Human Services study, 58 percent of all exercise performed in the U.S. is broadcast on television. "Of the 3.5 billion push-ups performed in 2003, 2.03 billion took place on exercise shows on the Lifetime Network and ESPN3 or fitness segments on Good Morning America," the study read. "The abundance of TV exercise would create the impression that America is a healthy society, if everyone didn't already know that we're a bunch of disgusting, near-immobile spectators." The DHHS study also indicated that 99.3 percent of the nation's Soloflex workouts are televised.

Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Woofers, the Eli family's high-spirited, 3-year-old Scottish terrier, is trying his absolute hardest at everything he does, family sources reported Monday. "Look at him," wife Jen Eli said as Woofers presented her with a tennis ball for the 22nd time that hour. "His tongue's out, his tail's wagging, he's bouncing all over the place trying to please us. There's only so much that a dog can accomplish, but Woofers is trying his best." Eli's utterance of the word "Woofers" spurred a frenzy of irrelevant leaping.

Republicans Retain Majority In Household

OMAHA, NE—In spite of a vocal Democratic following among the 16-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter demographics, Republicans managed to retain a slim majority in the Sanderson family, front-door exit polls revealed Monday. "Fortunately, strong Republican support among 48-year-old fathers and 46-year-old mothers won over the key swing vote among 6-year-olds named Timmy," speaker of the household Donald Sanderson said. "This, combined with the traditional Republican stronghold among visiting, over-60 grandparents, allowed Republicans to maintain control." The GOP has held the majority in the Sandersons' last 37 Sunday dinners.

I Can Make Things Right

Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I will walk in and make you feel like twice the woman you are without me. All I need is one more chance. If you would give me that chance, I know I could make things right.
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Ask Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

I just moved to Houston, and so far, I've had a hard time making friends. I tried hanging out in the coffee shops and going to the bars, but all the people I met seemed wrapped up in their own busy lives. I love the city, but I don't have anyone to enjoy it with. What's a lonely girl to do?

—Holed Up In Houston

Dear Holed Up,

Let there be shoes.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

I've had Lacy, my wirehaired fox terrier, for 11 years now. That means that she's 77 in dog years! I'm 63 myself and planning on retiring to Florida soon, but I worry that Lacy won't be able to handle the change. It's hard enough to leave my friends behind, much less my beloved pup. On the other hand, I don't want to be kept on a leash by Lacy. What should I do?

—Befuddled In Bedford

Dear Befuddled,

Self-confidence isn't made, it's worn.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

Last week, my wife Laura asked if I was interested in experimenting in the bedroom, and I said "sure." Now I think I made a mistake. I came home yesterday and found a box of risqué board games! How can I tell my sweetie that I'm not up for the games without hurting her feelings?

—In Over My Head In Indianapolis

Dear Over My Head,

After the storm comes the makeover.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

My son Jason applied for college this year, and the suspense is killing him. Jason is a great kid and a loving son, but to be honest, his grades could be better. There's a real chance that he might not get into any of his first-pick schools. Is there a way to lower his expectations while still showing him that I believe in him?

—Realistic In Redmond

Dear Realistic,

No one on their deathbed says they wish they'd spent more time in pleated pants.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend Ryan and I ended a nine-month relationship when we realized we weren't ready to get serious. The time apart was going well until I started to have dreams about him. I think my unconscious mind might be telling me to give it another shot. Are the dreams a wake-up call, or is getting back together a nightmare of an idea?

—Confused In Cambridge

Dear Confused,

Be genuine. Wear leather.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

My 28-year-old son Eli has been dating a wonderful girl for three years now, and the whole family is wondering when he's going to pop the question! I keep dropping hints and telling him stories about other happily married people his age. Today on the phone, I even told him the story of how his father proposed to me! I don't want to come right out and ask him, lest I seem pushy, but inquiring minds want to know!

—Pushing For Proposal In Pittsburgh

Dear Pushing,

Appearances may be deceiving. Work it.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

I dropped a broken radio off at the repair center, but when I went to pick it up, they claimed they didn't have it. I don't have any proof, but I think the counter girl stole it. I asked to see the manager, but he said he couldn't do anything about it. Here's my question: Do I have a right to be mad at the manager for something one of his employees did?

—Suitless In Sacramento

Dear Suitless,

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. After that, it's all shoes.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

My wife and I have been thinking about remodeling our bathroom, but the last time we renovated, it caused so many arguments that we almost split up! Looking back, we know the arguments were meaningless, but all the same, the whole experience was awful. Still, our bathroom could really use some work—maybe even one of those whirlpool bathtubs. Should we take the plunge and risk sending our marriage down the drain?

—Apprehensive In Appleton

Dear Apprehensive,

Every sweater happens for a reason.     —Kenneth Cole

Kenneth Cole is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Kenneth Cole, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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