adBlockCheck

Ask Kenneth Cole

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ask Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

I just moved to Houston, and so far, I've had a hard time making friends. I tried hanging out in the coffee shops and going to the bars, but all the people I met seemed wrapped up in their own busy lives. I love the city, but I don't have anyone to enjoy it with. What's a lonely girl to do?

—Holed Up In Houston

Dear Holed Up,

Let there be shoes.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

I've had Lacy, my wirehaired fox terrier, for 11 years now. That means that she's 77 in dog years! I'm 63 myself and planning on retiring to Florida soon, but I worry that Lacy won't be able to handle the change. It's hard enough to leave my friends behind, much less my beloved pup. On the other hand, I don't want to be kept on a leash by Lacy. What should I do?

—Befuddled In Bedford

Dear Befuddled,

Self-confidence isn't made, it's worn.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

Last week, my wife Laura asked if I was interested in experimenting in the bedroom, and I said "sure." Now I think I made a mistake. I came home yesterday and found a box of risqué board games! How can I tell my sweetie that I'm not up for the games without hurting her feelings?

—In Over My Head In Indianapolis

Dear Over My Head,

After the storm comes the makeover.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

My son Jason applied for college this year, and the suspense is killing him. Jason is a great kid and a loving son, but to be honest, his grades could be better. There's a real chance that he might not get into any of his first-pick schools. Is there a way to lower his expectations while still showing him that I believe in him?

—Realistic In Redmond

Dear Realistic,

No one on their deathbed says they wish they'd spent more time in pleated pants.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend Ryan and I ended a nine-month relationship when we realized we weren't ready to get serious. The time apart was going well until I started to have dreams about him. I think my unconscious mind might be telling me to give it another shot. Are the dreams a wake-up call, or is getting back together a nightmare of an idea?

—Confused In Cambridge

Dear Confused,

Be genuine. Wear leather.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

My 28-year-old son Eli has been dating a wonderful girl for three years now, and the whole family is wondering when he's going to pop the question! I keep dropping hints and telling him stories about other happily married people his age. Today on the phone, I even told him the story of how his father proposed to me! I don't want to come right out and ask him, lest I seem pushy, but inquiring minds want to know!

—Pushing For Proposal In Pittsburgh

Dear Pushing,

Appearances may be deceiving. Work it.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

I dropped a broken radio off at the repair center, but when I went to pick it up, they claimed they didn't have it. I don't have any proof, but I think the counter girl stole it. I asked to see the manager, but he said he couldn't do anything about it. Here's my question: Do I have a right to be mad at the manager for something one of his employees did?

—Suitless In Sacramento

Dear Suitless,

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. After that, it's all shoes.     —Kenneth Cole

Dear Kenneth Cole,

My wife and I have been thinking about remodeling our bathroom, but the last time we renovated, it caused so many arguments that we almost split up! Looking back, we know the arguments were meaningless, but all the same, the whole experience was awful. Still, our bathroom could really use some work—maybe even one of those whirlpool bathtubs. Should we take the plunge and risk sending our marriage down the drain?

—Apprehensive In Appleton

Dear Apprehensive,

Every sweater happens for a reason.     —Kenneth Cole

Kenneth Cole is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Kenneth Cole, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close