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Vol 34 Issue 10

Changing Weather Inspires Area Conversationalist

AUGUSTA, ME–The transition from summer to fall inspired local conversationalist Phillip Cadieux Monday. "Boy, it sure is starting to cool off out there," the 41-year-old Cadieux told fellow elevator passenger Jennifer Broderick, who was held rapt by the master monologuist's musings on the seasonal change. "I tell you, before you know it, it'll be time to dust off the old parka and break out the snow shovel."

Harper's Index: Percentage Of Harper's Readers Who Only Read Index: 98

NEW YORK–According to the Harper's Index in the October issue of Harper's, the percentage of the magazine's readers who only read the long-running index feature is 98. "Percentage of Harper's readers who stopped reading the magazine years ago and now only look at this page, if anything at all, before tossing it on their bathroom floor to seem smart to guests: 98," the index read.

Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her, Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

BEAUMONT, TX–Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an ass on her, it was reported Tuesday. "That is one tight, juicy little ass that waitress has got on her," Riggs said. "Yes sir, that is one sweet little can, you know I got that right." Riggs added that you would not believe the things he would do if he ever got that ass all to himself.

Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient

ASHEVILLE, NC–Mary Griebe, a 68-year-old uninsured woman suffering from severe chest pain, was turned away by St. Jude Mercy Hospital Tuesday. "Unfortunately, Mercy Hospital is unable to treat patients whose ability to pay is unclear," said hospital director Dr. Wesley Simmons. "The chest-pain sufferer who arrived at our emergency room was given directions to several other nearby hospitals that might be more willing to help her, including Good Samaritan General, Hope & Compassion County, and Basic Human Decency General."

Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

WASHINGTON, DC–The U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that all highway mile markers will be replaced with raccoon carcasses. "Unlike the current mile markers, which are expensive and need frequent maintenance, dead raccoons are cheap to manufacture and can already be found at quarter-mile intervals on virtually every highway in America," Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater said. "All we need to do is spread the raccoons out evenly, and we'll be set."

I Am No Longer Allowed In The Pet Store

I used to love to go to the pet store, but then last week Mr. Schumacher told me I can't come in no more. They have such nice animals there, and I'm sad because now I can't touch them.

Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Innovation

Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

I am the mother of a 15-year-old boy, and I'm at my wits' end. "Jeffrey" smokes, skips school and sasses back to me constantly. I think he may even be taking drugs! I don't think I'm a bad parent, but I'm at a loss. How can I set him straight?

—Troubled In Trenton

Dear Troubled,

Loni's got a lot of tremendously exciting projects happening right now. We're talking to UPN about a sitcom, but the USA Network will probably come through with a better deal. And she's huge on the Internet. It's amazing–she seems to get more popular every year. She just auditioned to do a voice in a major new animated film, and she'll get it, no question. She also just finished shooting a film for Lifetime in Toronto. Just wait until you see her in it. She looks absolutely gorgeous, better than ever. If you think I'm shitting you, the proof is in the pudding, pal. It's up there on the screen.

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

I've done something terrible, and I don't know who to turn to. Last week, I slept with another woman. I love my wife more than anything in the world, and I know it would absolutely destroy her if she found out. It will not happen again, that much is certain. The problem is, the guilt is tearing me apart. Do I tell her, or do I live with the mental anguish? Is there any way out?

—Guilty In Galena

Dear Galena,

If you want to talk TV, forget about it–Loni's the queen of TV. Gambler V: Playing For Keeps was one of the 10 highest-rated TV movies of '94. We're talking a 6.7 share. That's all Loni. Star power is what it's all about, and she's got it. Celebrity benefits, movies of the week, infomercials, exercise videos–you name it, Loni's getting the offers. Big offers. If you're not in that ballpark, I don't even know why I'm talking to you.

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

My 90-year-old father lives alone, and he can barely take care of himself. But every time I bring up the idea of a nursing home, he gets mad. I'm afraid that one of these days, he'll hurt himself, or worse. What can I do to get him to consider an assisted-living home? I care for my him very deeply and want him to be safe. Please help.

—Concerned In Canoga Park

Dear Canoga Park,

Loni Anderson may not be the queen of prime time anymore, but let me tell you something: Nobody does more in-selling on direct-to-video. Her numbers are bigger than ever. She's queen of that market. Listen, the bottom line is, people love Loni Anderson. She's beautiful. She's sexy. And she can do comedy. That's a rare combination. And she's interested in branching out. There's talk of a CD-ROM, and she's been contacted by several major cosmetics companies about possible endorsement deals. If I were you, I'd sign her now, while you can still afford her.

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

There's so much violence in this country these days, it's almost to the point where I'm afraid to go outside. Is there anything I can do in my own community to help make it a safer place and give the young people an alternative to drugs and gang violence?

—Worried In Washington

Dear Worried,

A lot of casting agents will say, "Get me Farrah." But let me tell you something, Farrah just doesn't put up the numbers. The Apostle? It did maybe $5 million domestic, tops. Ann Jillian? Forget it. She hasn't been the same since the you-know-what. Now Loni, there's a star. She's in the new Saturday Night Live movie. Have you seen it yet? It's doing incredible numbers. But look, if you don't want to play ball, that's fine. You want to give me the run-around? No problem. I'll call Sol Katz at TNT, and we'll put together a deal right now. It's your loss.

Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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