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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Ask Loni Anderson's Agent

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

I am the mother of a 15-year-old boy, and I'm at my wits' end. "Jeffrey" smokes, skips school and sasses back to me constantly. I think he may even be taking drugs! I don't think I'm a bad parent, but I'm at a loss. How can I set him straight?

—Troubled In Trenton

Dear Troubled,

Loni's got a lot of tremendously exciting projects happening right now. We're talking to UPN about a sitcom, but the USA Network will probably come through with a better deal. And she's huge on the Internet. It's amazing–she seems to get more popular every year. She just auditioned to do a voice in a major new animated film, and she'll get it, no question. She also just finished shooting a film for Lifetime in Toronto. Just wait until you see her in it. She looks absolutely gorgeous, better than ever. If you think I'm shitting you, the proof is in the pudding, pal. It's up there on the screen.

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

I've done something terrible, and I don't know who to turn to. Last week, I slept with another woman. I love my wife more than anything in the world, and I know it would absolutely destroy her if she found out. It will not happen again, that much is certain. The problem is, the guilt is tearing me apart. Do I tell her, or do I live with the mental anguish? Is there any way out?

—Guilty In Galena

Dear Galena,

If you want to talk TV, forget about it–Loni's the queen of TV. Gambler V: Playing For Keeps was one of the 10 highest-rated TV movies of '94. We're talking a 6.7 share. That's all Loni. Star power is what it's all about, and she's got it. Celebrity benefits, movies of the week, infomercials, exercise videos–you name it, Loni's getting the offers. Big offers. If you're not in that ballpark, I don't even know why I'm talking to you.

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

My 90-year-old father lives alone, and he can barely take care of himself. But every time I bring up the idea of a nursing home, he gets mad. I'm afraid that one of these days, he'll hurt himself, or worse. What can I do to get him to consider an assisted-living home? I care for my him very deeply and want him to be safe. Please help.

—Concerned In Canoga Park

Dear Canoga Park,

Loni Anderson may not be the queen of prime time anymore, but let me tell you something: Nobody does more in-selling on direct-to-video. Her numbers are bigger than ever. She's queen of that market. Listen, the bottom line is, people love Loni Anderson. She's beautiful. She's sexy. And she can do comedy. That's a rare combination. And she's interested in branching out. There's talk of a CD-ROM, and she's been contacted by several major cosmetics companies about possible endorsement deals. If I were you, I'd sign her now, while you can still afford her.

Dear Loni Anderson's Agent,

There's so much violence in this country these days, it's almost to the point where I'm afraid to go outside. Is there anything I can do in my own community to help make it a safer place and give the young people an alternative to drugs and gang violence?

—Worried In Washington

Dear Worried,

A lot of casting agents will say, "Get me Farrah." But let me tell you something, Farrah just doesn't put up the numbers. The Apostle? It did maybe $5 million domestic, tops. Ann Jillian? Forget it. She hasn't been the same since the you-know-what. Now Loni, there's a star. She's in the new Saturday Night Live movie. Have you seen it yet? It's doing incredible numbers. But look, if you don't want to play ball, that's fine. You want to give me the run-around? No problem. I'll call Sol Katz at TNT, and we'll put together a deal right now. It's your loss.

Barry Wachtler is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Loni Anderson's Agent, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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