Ask Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953

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Vol 35 Issue 40

That Guy From That One Show To Make Guest Appearance On That Other Show

DECATUR, GA—According to a report from local Chik-Fil-A cashier Len Baxter, that dude on that one show about the guy who can see into the future is going to be on that other show with the two chicks who are undercover cops. "Supposedly, he's playing the blonde one's cousin or something," Baxter told co-workers Monday at the fast-food restaurant, "so he's not the same guy he plays on his show. It's not, like, a combination of the two shows." The highly anticipated episode airs this Friday, though Baxter conceded that he may watch the one about the reporter and the rollerblading dog instead.

Jesus-Loving Co-Worker Believes She's Not Alone At Lunch Table

POCATELLO, ID—Sitting by herself at a table in the Pocatello Tool Works lunchroom, devout Christian Brenda Smolensk announced Monday that she is "convinced beyond any doubt" that she is not alone. "Oh, there may not be anybody sitting to my right, my left or anywhere else at this table," Smolensk said, "but He is with me." Smolensk's co-workers said her overwhelming love of Christ is the reason for her lack of companionship. "We used to sit with her," co-worker Don Inkster said, "but she wouldn't shut up about Jesus and the Bible and stuff. Now we wait for her to sit down before deciding where to eat." Smolensk is also convinced she did not spend last Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter and Thanksgiving alone.

Quaker Oats Assembly-Line Worker Fired For 'Oops! All Berries' Incident

DE KALB, IL—Richard Karl, a 47-year-old assembly-line worker at Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch With Crunchberries plant in De Kalb, was fired Monday following an "Oops! All Berries" mishap." "This cereal is supposed to have a yellow-piece-to-Crunchberry ratio of 4:1," Quaker spokeswoman Melissa Dyer said. "But Mr. Karl failed to pull the lever that sends the yellow bits down the chute into the big funnel, so there aren't any in Monday's entire batch of cereal. It's all Crunchberries." Added Dyer: "What are we going to do with all these boxes of pure Crunchberries? You'd have to really love Crunchberries to want to eat these."

Cell-Phone User Promises Girlfriend, Entire Post Office He'll Try To Change

RALEIGH, NC—Speaking on his cell phone while waiting in line to buy stamps Monday, Brad McCall assured girlfriend Stephanie Green, as well as 14 customers and six postal workers at the Jefferson Street Post Office, that he will do everything in his power to change. "Things have just been so messed-up for me lately with all the stuff that's been going on. I know I haven't been myself," he explained to Green and the crowd of strangers. "But all that's gonna change soon." McCall also told fellow post-office patrons that if getting a place together is what it takes to make her feel like he is committed, he is "totally willing."

Ideas That Made Me Millions

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned throughout the Republic for my formidable business acumen. And though my fame and fortune spring mainly from my able helms-manship of The Onion news-paper, I have had many successful marketing ventures over the years. I certainly didn't get to be the East Coast's fore-most miser by depending on your literacy, you know!
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Ask Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

After my divorce six months ago, I was looking forward to "playing the field" once again. However, after hitting the bars and going out on a few dates, I find myself as tongue-tied around men as I was when I was a teenager. What accounts for my surprising shyness? And what can I do to overcome it?

—Single In Syracuse

Dear Single,

When people think of America's Dairyland, they invariably think of our sister to the north, Wisconsin. But do you realize that if Nebraska's aggregate annual milk production continues to rise at its current rate, by 1960 the Cornhusker State will surpass the Badger State as the country's largest producer of dairy products? It's true! And as this year's Miss Omaha Dairy Products, I'm proud and honored to be representing this exciting, fast-growing industry right here in the great state of Nebraska.

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

A few weeks ago, my husband introduced some sex toys into the bedroom. At first, I tried to be open-minded about it, but lately, he's taken to them so much, he can't seem to enjoy our moments of intimacy without them! How can I get him to ease up on the utensils and make me his favorite toy?

—Frustrated In Framingham

Dear Frustrated,

Since the war, there have been many exciting technical innovations that have made the average dairy farmer's job a lot easier. The automated milking machine enables farmers to milk cows quickly and efficiently, freeing them from the tedious labor of hand-milking, not to mention eliminating the waste that results from uneven milking and spilled buckets. Improvements in the quality of feed and veterinary care have also resulted in healthier cows with higher milk yields. If this seems impressive to you, consider these amazing future developments predicted by scientists at our leading land-grant colleges: atomic-powered milk-processing plants, butter that never needs refrigeration, a lab-bred "super-cow" that can produce as much milk as two dozen Holsteins, and airplane fuel made from synthesized yoghurt cultures! These are just some of the incredible things we can look forward to in the years to come!

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

My unmarried son is 34 years old and runs a lucrative business buying and selling science-fiction collectibles over the Internet. But despite his career success, he still lives at home. Call me mean or old-fashioned, but I just don't think it's proper for a man his age to live with his parents, and I think it would be best for him to move out. Should I give him the old heave-ho, or should I learn to be more supportive of my son?

—Torn In Torrance

Dear Torrance,

Everyone knows milk is healthful and rich in essential vitamines and minerals. But we often take for granted just how lucky we are to be able to have milk at our dining table. The African colonies and Oriental nations value cows only for their meat and hides, India considers the cow sacred and does not exploit it, and the peoples of Red China and the countries behind the Iron Curtain frequently go without milk in their diets. Milk makes the body and mind healthy, so it's no coincidence that the richer, freer and more democratic nations of the world have made milk a basic dietary staple. So the next time someone tries to sell you on the virtues of oleomargarine and non-dairy coffee creamer, you may want to inquire about his system of government.

Dear Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953,

Are people with SUVs more inclined to drive irresponsibly? It sure seems that way to me. Many a time I have been relentlessly tailgated by one of these metal monsters. Just yesterday, I was cut off by an SUV while slowing to pull into a parking lot. I firmly believe that if these people were driving a plain old sedan like me, they'd be less likely to pull this aggressive nonsense. Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953, would you, in your own inimitable fashion, please tell all those reckless SUV drivers to cool it? They sure don't seem to listen to my horn!

—Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

On Sunday, Sept. 6, I'll be appearing at the Pan-Nebraska Cattle Exposition & Youth Fair at the Halversen Stock Pavilion in downtown Omaha. I'll be presiding over the ribbon-cutting of the new and enlarged outdoor stock pen behind the pavilion. I'll also be giving a special demonstration on how to keep cream-based sauces from curdling during cooking, so, ladies, you'll definitely want to come on down! Free samples of ice cream will be served, and everyone's favorite, Lucybelle The Guernsey Cow, famed mascot of the Eastern Nebraska Dairymen's Cooperative, will be there, as well. See you there!

Mary Ellen Porter is a nationally syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Miss Omaha Dairy Products 1953, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

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