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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
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Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I don't know about?

—Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it / Face down while I punch your ticket / Ride my king cobra 'round the world / Wanna do ya girl / Want ya pettin' my big black cat / Blackberry jam don't shake like that / If your booty's extra-large, I'll bring the funk / Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

—Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop 'em and shake it, girl, ya won't break it / Leave enough for me to take it / Mix likes to get down and make it / When the girl is large and naked / Talkin' 'bout a booty with meat on the bones / Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones / Wanna hit your pleasure zone / Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

If you ask me, your response to "Torn In Tuscaloosa" was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesn't want to get off the couch and start working for a living, he's nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

—Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Who's afraid of my big bad weenie / Rub it and see if it's got a genie / Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini / Just like Houdini / M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin' / Wanna see yo' butt cheeks flappin' / Mix want the honeys with the big back doors / So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

Sir Mix-A-Lot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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