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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I don't know about?

—Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it / Face down while I punch your ticket / Ride my king cobra 'round the world / Wanna do ya girl / Want ya pettin' my big black cat / Blackberry jam don't shake like that / If your booty's extra-large, I'll bring the funk / Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

—Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop 'em and shake it, girl, ya won't break it / Leave enough for me to take it / Mix likes to get down and make it / When the girl is large and naked / Talkin' 'bout a booty with meat on the bones / Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones / Wanna hit your pleasure zone / Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

If you ask me, your response to "Torn In Tuscaloosa" was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesn't want to get off the couch and start working for a living, he's nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

—Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Who's afraid of my big bad weenie / Rub it and see if it's got a genie / Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini / Just like Houdini / M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin' / Wanna see yo' butt cheeks flappin' / Mix want the honeys with the big back doors / So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

Sir Mix-A-Lot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

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