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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I don't know about?

—Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it / Face down while I punch your ticket / Ride my king cobra 'round the world / Wanna do ya girl / Want ya pettin' my big black cat / Blackberry jam don't shake like that / If your booty's extra-large, I'll bring the funk / Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

—Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop 'em and shake it, girl, ya won't break it / Leave enough for me to take it / Mix likes to get down and make it / When the girl is large and naked / Talkin' 'bout a booty with meat on the bones / Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones / Wanna hit your pleasure zone / Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,

If you ask me, your response to "Torn In Tuscaloosa" was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesn't want to get off the couch and start working for a living, he's nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

—Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Who's afraid of my big bad weenie / Rub it and see if it's got a genie / Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini / Just like Houdini / M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin' / Wanna see yo' butt cheeks flappin' / Mix want the honeys with the big back doors / So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

Sir Mix-A-Lot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.